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11. RELATIONSHIP CRISIS, DECEMBER 1975

The second serious crisis in our relationship came just three years after the first one, which had been in December 1972. It seems December was a dangerous month for some reason.

In a long letter I wrote George, dated December 10th, 1975, I put down my feelings, expressed regrets and made promises for the future. George and I never really spoke about such matters to each other - we were both writers and could only express such thoughts and feelings in the written form. Consequently, friends and relatives, especially of George who wrote a lot of long letters, had the benefit of insights we never had of each other. Living together it seemed silly to write to each other, yet perhaps we should have done so more often, since this was the best way we could communicate about important matters.

My letter starts off: ‘It’s no good me saying: ‘‘I’m sorry’‘. If what you said is true, that sometimes you feel more lonely living with me than when you were living alone, then I have failed you.’

So what brought about this particular crisis? We had recently been to the London Palladium to see Dorothy Squires together, and apparently George had accused me of just going in order to patronize him. In the letter I deny this, but admit I did not really enjoy the concert. I explained I was disappointed with the material she sung, and that I preferred her older material. I wrote:

‘I don’t like "cabaret-style" songs like Shirley Bassey, Sinatra and other cabaret stars sing. I like simple, melodic tunes with profound words - it is the only emotional music I can relate to. ‘‘The Gipsy’‘, ‘‘Walking Behind You’‘ and ‘‘My Mother’s Day’‘ are three Dorothy Squires songs very similar to the Country vein which I would really enjoy hearing and seeing her perform.’

So it seems we had a bit of a row about the concert because I was not keen on the songs Dorothy sung, and George had accused me of only going to patronize him, saying that we had little in common. I mention another theater visit to see an impressionist called Charles Pierce, which I say I did enjoy very much, ‘despite the fact that I didn’t know all the characters he was portraying.’ It seems this was in response to a complaint from George that we never, or rarely, went out together nowadays.

Looking back over George’s diary for the preceding months, it does seem as if we had not been out together as much as we used to. There was also the second Amsterdam weekend, which I refused to go on, leaving George to go off on a holiday without me for the first time since we met.

I had been heavily involved with the Communist Party when I first met George, and over the years I had wavered between this and religion. Around 1972 I had left the

Communist Party and was attending a little Pentecostal church, and thinking of being baptized as a born-again Christian. They rejected me for being gay, and by 1975 I had re-joined the Communist Party and become very heavily involved again. I was the treasurer for the Battersea branch, and attending regular committee meetings. This must have meant George was left on his own many evenings.

The fact that he had once weaned me away from the Communist Party, and now I had drifted back into it, must have also depressed him and made him feel we had little in common. I was planning a second trip to East Germany in 1976, which in the event proved to be a turning-point. It must have seemed to George at the end of 1975 that we were both locked into our own little worlds, with very little we could share. From what I write in my letter, George seems to have said something very similar to me at the time:

‘I know you feel we live in two completely different worlds - that we cannot communicate or share anything that really matters.’

I write that I appreciated this reality depressed him when he thought about it, and that he also felt our two worlds were incompatible. I continue:

‘Because it depresses you, you don’t want to talk about these things, and because we don’t talk we seem to drift further apart.’

I try to take a positive attitude in the letter, starting by looking at what we have and building on it.

‘With real effort on my part I know we can build up a world we can both share, and of course it will involve effort from you too, but I believe I am more to blame in that I don’t try hard enough to take an interest in the things I should - the things we do have in common.’

I then say I do not wish to patronize him, as this would make our life together false - ‘a charade in which each acts a role to please the other. We must not fall into this trap.’

I then admit I had done just that recently, but do not specify what the incident was.

In a process of analysis I try to point out the positive points, and that there were many couples far worse off than ourselves.

‘You don’t make me come to classical concerts like Ray’s boyfriend does, we never come to blows, we share a dislike of football and sport in general (a negative thing we have in common, but how much worse the situation would be if I watched every bit of sport on TV as some people do although their partners can’t stand it.)’

I then discuss recent evenings out we had, including Dorothy Squires, and mention other female singers we both liked: Tammy Wynette, Linda Gail Lewis (Jerry Lee’s

sister), Brenda Lee, Edith Piaf. I admit I do not like Marlene Dietrich, whom we also saw together in concert. ‘She may have been able to sing once, but now I think she just recites’ I wrote.

I also admit that I cannot appreciate classical music, apart from snippets here and there ‘such as Tchaikovsky’s No.1 piano concerto and some arias from various operas.’ I say I really would like to see ‘The Merry Widow’ as there were several arias I like in it.

I continue by listing some of the films we had recently seen which we both liked: ‘The Way We Were’, ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’ and ‘Ash Wednesday’ being the ones I mention by name. I also point out the type of TV programs we both enjoyed - ‘plays, films, comedy shows and serials’.

I point out that we both liked Marc Fleming and his type of humor, but admit the novelty of the Porchester Hall Drag Balls had worn off for me, and that they all seemed too much the same. But I point out that I enjoyed the parties we had, and ‘not just my records. I enjoy a good dance anywhere, provided there is a good variety of music (we both share a like for the old music-hall type numbers).’

I say we must work on this common ground, and that our life together should revolve around our home. I admit I had not taken an active interest, and say ‘I want to make a real effort in this, so that we can both be proud of our home.’ I believe George had accused me of just letting it deteriorate, and I say I will try to improve it. I even make a promise to ‘do a little thing or buy a little thing every week to improve our home’. I do not know how long that promise was kept, but I write that I had already made a start by putting a picture George liked up on the wall, and that next I would buy some hinges and fix the kitchen cabinet.

We did build up some lovely homes, three of them in our 21 years together, though it was always George who took the imitative in buying things for the home. However, I did get quite good at ‘fixing’ little things, though neither of us were much good at DIY. Self-assembly furniture such as a wardrobe, video cabinet and shelves never were quite right - the doors didn’t shut properly and slide-out shelves refused to budge. Although George would actually really choose the ornaments (since I had no taste, as he often told me), we would go together quite often to make sure we both liked what he suggested. My present home is one of the greatest legacies he left me, and I am still proud of it. Other people have remarked on what great taste George had. This is the reason I never want to move, or drastically alter anything in the flat. (Though I do need help in decorating/DIY as I am still totally useless at these things.)

In the letter I point out we were both interested in writing, although we used different styles, and I suggested we should be sympathetic and help each other, taking ‘an interest in each other’s work’ and encouraging each other. I suggest making Sundays our ‘writing day’, and perhaps even embark on ‘joint projects.’ I do not remember if we ever actually did this every Sunday, I think not, but certainly we did embark on a joint project later when we both wrote a series of scripts together for a TV sit-com. Sadly, it was never accepted. Neither was one George wrote on his own, though his basic idea was stolen and used with an inferior script.

I was at the time running a 1950's Rock’n’Roll and a Country music disco as a hobby, but I could not get the right dates and so it was not going very well. I suggested we do a gay disco together, as a joint venture. We did in fact do several discos together, though again it was hard to get the right bookings. We did a disco for a Porchester Hall Drag ball in February 1977. (George was annoyed when a cameraman from ‘Titbits’ photographed myself dancing with Freda, and Rose with Lena, whilst poor George was stuck on stage paying records, so never got included in the magazine. The rest of us had our color photos across the center pages, which George years later cut out and included in his collage.)

I wrote that we should make a point of going out together once a week to films or shows we both wanted to see, and if there was none we both liked, not to go that week ‘rather than patronize’ each other. I also admitted we should go together to see our friends more, instead of my often leaving George to go alone. I admitted I had no real friends of my own, because I was shy. George had accused me of not talking to people who visited us. I admitted I found some of them boring, though I enjoyed the company of others. I think I did make an effort after that, though George still often visited our friends on his own, right up to his death. This was sometimes because I was at work and he was unemployed, but I do wish now I had gone with him more often to visit friends together when it was a day I wasn’t working.

I pointed out in my letter we always had a lot of differences, yet we got together because we loved each other and had some things in common. I told him how much I had enjoyed our years together and that I ‘don’t want to face life alone again’. I told him I loved him and cared about him, and continue: ‘you are the most important thing in my life, as I realize when I contemplate life without you.’

I said I would not make rash promises I could not keep, as I had often done before. I admitted neither of us could change from the people we were, but that I was constantly searching for the truth. I mentioned my interest in the paranormal and Spiritualism, and the basic questions of life and death. I seemed to be undergoing a conflict at the time between Communism and a growing Spiritual awareness, because I write of my past and present mistakes and say that my actions do not arise from selfish or materialist motives.

‘I only want the world to improve,’ I wrote, ‘for man’s inhumanity to man to stop, for wars and killing to cease and for everybody to be happy, free and brothers.’

I admitted idealists with good intentions have sometimes done more harm than good, and that I was not sure whether we should give up trying to change man’s nature. I said I was learning all the time, but that organized religion did not hold the answers for me. I prophetically wrote that maybe I would find the answers some day. (I believe I did eventually find the right path, with George’s help, through Spiritualism and the idea of karma and reincarnation, with every soul making continuous progress by learning from life experiences over the centuries). I asked George to believe in my sincerity in seeking a better world, even if I was mistaken (presumably in choosing Communism as the vehicle).

The last paragraph of the letter emphasizes the importance of our life together, which I promised to ‘devote my utmost attention to in future. Let’s not lose what we have - let’s build on it and create something together we can both share. I hope my actions from now on will prove the sincerity of my intentions and of these words to you.’