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Glyn Hughes' SQUASHED WRITERS ALL THE BOOKS YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO HAVE READ In their own words... but magically Squashed into half-hour short stories... |
The
Squashed version of
The History
of Tom Jones, a Foundling
by
Henry Fielding
1749
I. Mr. Allworthy
Makes a Discovery
In that part of the country which is commonly called
Somersetshire there lately lived a gentleman whose name was
Allworthy, and who might well be called the favourite of both
nature and fortune. From the former of these he derived an
agreeable person, a sound constitution, a solid understanding,
and a benevolent heart; by the latter he was decreed to the
inheritance of one of the largest estates in the country.
Mr. Allworthy lived, for the most part, retired in the country,
with one sister, for whom he had a very tender affection. This
lady, Miss Bridget Allworthy, now somewhat past the age of
thirty, was of that species of women whom you commend rather for
good qualities than beauty.
Mr. Allworthy had been absent a full quarter of a year in London
on some very particular business, and having returned to his
house very late in the evening, retired, much fatigued, to his
chamber. Here, after he had spent some minutes on his knees-a
custom which he never broke through on any account-he was
preparing to step into bed, when, upon opening the clothes, to
his great surprise, he beheld an infant wrapped up in some coarse
linen, in a sweet and profound sleep, between his sheets. He
stood for some time lost in astonishment at this sight; but soon
began to be touched with sentiments of compassion for the little
wretch before him. He then rang his bell, and ordered an elderly
woman-servant to rise immediately and come to him.
The consternation of Mrs. Deborah Wilkins at the finding of the
little infant was rather greater than her master's had been; nor
could she refrain from crying out, with great horror, "My
good sir, what's to be done?"
Mr. Allworthy answered she must take care of the child that
evening, and in the morning he would give orders to provide it a
nurse.
"Yes, sir," says she, "and I hope your worship
will send out your warrant to take up the hussy its mother.
Indeed, such wicked sluts cannot be too severely punished for
laying their sins at honest men's doors; and though your worship
knows your own innocence, yet the world is censorious, and if
your worship should provide for the child it may make the people
after to believe. If I might be so bold as to give my advice, I
would have it put in a basket, and sent out and laid at the
churchwarden's door. It is a good night, only a little rainy and
windy, and if it was well wrapped up and put in a warm basket, it
is two to one but it lives till it is found in the morning. But
if it should not, we have discharged our duty in taking care of
it; and it is, perhaps, better for such creatures to die in a
state of innocence than to grow up and imitate their
mothers."
But Mr. Allworthy had now got one of his fingers into the
infant's hand, which, by its gentle pressure, seeming to implore
his assistance, certainly outpleaded the eloquence of Mrs.
Deborah. Mr. Allworthy gave positive orders for the child to be
taken away and provided with pap and other things against it
waked. He likewise ordered that proper clothes should be procured
for it early in the morning, and that it should be brought to
himself as soon as he was stirring.
Such was the respect Mrs. Wilkins bore her master, under whom she
enjoyed a most excellent place, that her scruples gave way to his
peremptory commands, and, declaring the child was a sweet little
infant, she walked off with it to her own chamber.
Allworthy betook himself to those pleasing slumbers which a heart
that hungers after goodness is apt to enjoy when thoroughly
satisfied.
In the morning Mr. Allworthy told his sister he had a present for
her, and, when Mrs. Wilkins produced the little infant, told her
the whole story of its appearance.
Miss Bridget took the good-natured side of the question,
intimated some compassion for the helpless little creature, and
commended her brother's charity in what he had done. The good
lady subsequently gave orders for providing all necessaries for
the child, and her orders were indeed so liberal that had it been
a child of her own she could not have exceeded them.
II. The Foundling Achieves Manhood
Miss Bridget having been asked in marriage by one Captain Blifil,
a half-pay officer, and the nuptials duly celebrated, Mrs. Blifil
was in course of time delivered of a fine boy.
Though the birth of an heir to his beloved sister was a
circumstance of great joy to Mr. Allworthy, yet it did not
alienate his affections from the little foundling to whom he had
been godfather, and had given his own name of Thomas; the surname
of Jones being added because it was believed that was the
mother's name.
He told his sister, if she pleased, the newborn infant should be
bred up together with little Tommy, to which she consented, for
she had truly a great complaisance for her brother.
The captain, however, could not so easily bring himself to bear
what he condemned as a fault in Mr. Allworthy; for his
meditations being chiefly employed on Mr. Allworthy's fortune,
and on his hopes of succession, he looked on all the instances of
his brother-in-law's generosity as diminutions of his own wealth.
But one day, while the captain was exulting in the happiness
which would accrue to him by Mr. Allworthy's death, he himself
died of apoplexy.
So the two boys grew up together under the care of Mr. Allworthy
and Mrs. Blifil, and by the time he was fourteen Tom Jones-who,
according to universal opinion, was certainly born to be
hanged-had been already convicted of three robberies-viz. ,
of robbing an orchard, of stealing a duck out of a farmer's yard,
and of picking Master Blifil's pocket of a ball.
The vices of this young man were, moreover, heightened by the
disadvantageous light in which they appeared when opposed to the
virtues of Master Blifil, his companion. He was, indeed, a lad of
remarkable disposition-sober, discreet, and pious beyond his age;
and many expressed their wonder that Mr. Allworthy should suffer
such a lad as Tom Jones to be educated with his nephew lest the
morals of the latter should be corrupted by his example.
To say the truth, the whole duck, and great part of the apples,
were converted to the use of Tom's friend, the gamekeeper, and
his family; though, as Jones alone was discovered, the poor lad
bore not only the whole smart, but the whole blame.
Mr. Allworthy had committed the instruction of the two boys to a
learned divine, the Reverend Mr. Thwackum, who resided in the
house; but though Mr. Allworthy had given him frequent orders to
make no difference between the lads, yet was Thwackum altogether
as kind and gentle to Master Blifil as he was harsh, nay, even
barbarous, to the other. In truth, Blifil had greatly gained his
master's affections; partly by the profound respect he always
showed his person, but much more by the decent reverence with
which he received his doctrine, for he had got by heart, and
frequently repeated, his phrases, and maintained all his master's
religious principles, with a zeal which was surprising in one so
young.
Tom Jones, on the other hand, was not only deficient in outward
tokens of respect, often forgetting to pull off his cap at his
master's approach, but was altogether unmindful both of his
master's precepts and example.
At the, age of twenty, however, Tom, for his love of hunting, had
become a great favourite with Mr. Allworthy's neighbour, Squire
Western; and Sophia, Mr. Western's only child, lost her heart
irretrievably to him before she suspected it was in danger. On
his side, Tom was truly sensible of the great worth of Sophia. He
liked her person extremely, no less admired her accomplishments,
and tenderly loved her goodness. In reality, as he had never once
entertained any thoughts of possessing her, nor had ever given
the least voluntary indulgence to his inclinations, he had a much
stronger passion for her than he himself was acquainted with.
An accident occurred on the hunting-field in saving Sophia from
her too mettlesome horse kept Jones a prisoner for some time in
Mr. Western's house, and during those weeks he not only found
that he loved Sophia with an unbounded passion, but he plainly
saw the tender sentiments she had for him; yet could not this
assurance lessen his despair of obtaining the consent of her
father, nor the horrors which attended his pursuit of her by any
base or treacherous method.
Hence, at the approach of the young lady, he grew pale; and, if
this was sudden, started. If his eyes accidentally met hers, the
blood rushed into his cheeks, and his countenance became all over
scarlet. If he touched her, his hand, nay, his whole frame,
trembled.
All these symptoms escaped the notice of the squire, but not so
of Sophia. She soon perceived these agitations of mind in Jones,
and was at no loss to discover the cause; for, indeed, she
recognised it in her own breast. In a word, she was in love with
him to distraction. It was not long before Jones was able to
attend her to the harpsichord, where she would kindly condescend
for hours together to charm him with the most delicious music.
The news that Mr. Allworthy was dangerously ill (for a servant
had brought word that he was dying) broke off Tom's stay at Mr.
Western's, and drove all the thoughts of love out of his head. He
hurried instantly into the chariot which was sent for him, and
ordered the coachman to drive with all imaginable haste; nor did
the idea of Sophia once occur to him on the way.
III. Tom Jones Falls into Disgrace
On the night when the physician announced that Mr. Allworthy was
out of danger Jones was thrown into such immoderate excess of
rapture by the news that he might be truly said to be drunk with
joy-an intoxication which greatly forwards the effects of wine;
and as he was very free, too, with the bottle, on this occasion
he became very soon literally drunk.
Jones had naturally violent animal spirits, and Thwackum,
resenting his speeches, only the doctor's interposition prevented
wrath kindling. After which, Jones gave loose to mirth, sang two
or three amorous songs, and fell into every frantic disorder
which unbridled joy is apt to inspire; but so far was he from any
disposition to quarrel that he was ten times better-humoured, if
possible, than when he was sober.
Blifil, whose mother had died during her brother's illness, was
highly offended at a behaviour which was so inconsistent with the
sober and prudent reserve of his own temper. The recent death of
his mother, he declared, made such conduct very indecent.
"It would become them better," he said, "to
express the exultations of their hearts at Mr. Allworthy's
recovery in thanksgiving, than in drunkenness and riot."
Wine had not so totally overpowered Jones as to prevent him
recollecting Blifil's loss the moment it was mentioned. He at
once offered to shake Mr. Blifil by the hand, and begged his
pardon, saying his excessive joy for Mr. Allworthy's recovery had
driven every other thought out of his mind.
Blifil scornfully rejected his hand, and with an insulting
illusion to the misfortune of Jones's birth provoked the latter
to blows. The scuffle which ensued might have produced mischief
had it not been for the interference of Thwackum and the
physician.
Blifil, however, only waited for an opportunity to be revenged on
Jones, and the occasion was soon forthcoming when Mr. Allworthy
was fully recovered from his illness.
Mr. Western had found out that his daughter was in love with Tom
Jones, and at once decided that she should marry Blifil, to whom
Sophia professed great abhorrence.
As for Blifil, the success of Jones was much more grievous to him
than the loss of Sophia, whose estate, indeed, was dearer to him
than her person.
Mr. Western swore that his daughter shouldn't have a ha'penny,
nor the twentieth part of a brass farthing, if she married Jones;
and Blifil, with many sighs, professed to his uncle that he could
not bear the thought of Sophia being ruined by her preference for
Jones.
"This lady, I am sure, will be undone in every sense; for,
besides the loss of most part of her own fortune, she will be
married to a beggar. Nay, that is a trifle; for I know him to be
one of the worst men in the world."
"How?" said Mr. All worthy. "I command you to tell
me what you mean."
"You know, sir," said Blifil, "I never disobeyed
you. In the very day of your utmost danger, when myself and all
the family were in tears, he filled the house with riot and
debauchery. He drank, and sang, and roared; and when I gave him a
gentle hint of the indecency of his actions, he fell into a
violent passion, swore many oaths, called me rascal, and struck
me. I am sure I have forgiven him that long ago. I wish I could
so easily forget his ingratitude to the best of
benefactors."
Thwackum was now sent for, and corroborated every circumstance
which the other had deposed.
Poor Jones was too full of grief at the thought that Western had
discovered the whole affair between him and Sophia to make any
adequate defence. He could not deny the charge of drunkenness,
and out of modesty sunk everything that related particularly to
himself.
Mr. Allworthy answered that he was now resolved to banish him
from his sight for ever. "Your audacious attempt to steal
away a young lady calls upon me to justify my own character in
punishing you. And there is no part of your character which I
resent more than your ill-treatment of that good young man
(meaning Blifil), who hath behaved with so much tenderness and
honour towards you."
A flood of tears now gushed from the eyes of Jones, and every
faculty of speech and motion seemed to have deserted him. It was
some time before he was able to obey Allworthy's peremptory
commands of departing, which he at length did, having first
kissed his hands with a passion difficult to be affected, and as
difficult to be described.
Mr. Allworthy, however, did not permit him to leave the house
penniless, but presented him with a note for £500. He then
commanded him to go immediately, and told Jones that his clothes,
and everything else, should be sent to him whithersoever he
should order them.
Jones had hardly set out, which he did with feelings of agony and
despair, before Sophia Western decided that only in flight could
she be saved from marriage with the detested Blifil.
Mr. Western, in spite of tremendous love for his daughter,
thought her inclinations of as little consequence as Blifil
himself conceived them to be; and Mr. Allworthy, who said
"he would on no account be accessory to forcing a young lady
into a marriage contrary to her own will," was satisfied by
his nephew's disingenuous statement that the young lady's
behaviour to him was full as forward as he wished it.
Sophia, having appointed her maid to meet her at a certain place
not far from the house, exactly at the ghostly and dreadful hour
of twelve, began to prepare for her own departure.
But first she was obliged to give a painful audience to her
father, and he treated her in so violent and outrageous a manner
that he frightened her into an affected compliance with his will,
which so highly pleased the good squire that he at once changed
his frowns into smiles, and his menaces into promises.
He vowed his whole soul was wrapped in hers, that her consent had
made him the happiest of mankind.
He then gave her a large bank-bill to dispose of in any trinkets
she pleased, and kissed and embraced her in the fondest manner.
Sophia reverenced her father piously and loved him passionately,
but the thoughts of her beloved Jones quickly destroyed all the
regretful promptings of filial love.
IV. Tom Jones's Restoration
After many adventures on the road Mr. Jones reached London; and
as he had often heard Mr. Allworthy mention the gentlewoman at
whose house in Bond Street he used to lodge when he was in town,
he sought the house, and was soon provided with a room there on
the second floor. Mrs. Miller, the person who let these lodgings,
was the widow of a clergyman, and Mr. Allworthy had settled an
annuity of £50 a year on her, "in consideration of always
having her first floor when he was in town."
Tom Jones's fortunes were now very soon at the lowest. Having
been forced into a quarrel in the streets with an acquaintance
named Fitzpatrick, and having wounded him with his sword, a
number of fellows rushed in and carried Jones off to the civil
magistrate, who, being informed that the wound appeared to be
mortal, straightway committed the prisoner to the Gatehouse.
Sophia Western was also in London at the house of her aunt; and
soon afterwards Mr. Western, Mr. Allworthy, and Blifil all
reached the city.
It was just at this time that Mr. Allworthy, consenting to his
nephew once more offering himself to Sophia, came with Blifil to
his accustomed lodgings in Bond Street. Mrs. Miller, to whom
Jones had showed many kindnesses, at once put in a good word for
the unfortunate young man; and, on Blifil exulting over the
manslaughter Jones was alleged to have committed, declared that
the wounded man, whoever he was, was in fault. This, indeed, was
shortly afterwards corroborated by Fitzpatrick himself, who
acknowledged his mistake.
But it was not till Mr. Allworthy discovered that Blifil had been
arranging with a lawyer to get the men who had arrested Jones to
bear false witness, and learnt further that Tom Jones was his
sister Bridget's child, and that on her death-bed Mrs. Blifil's
message to her brother confessing the fact had been suppressed by
her son, that his old feelings of affection for Tom Jones
returned. Before setting out to visit Jones in the prison Mr.
Allworthy called on Sophia to inform her that he regretted Blifil
had ever been encouraged to give her annoyance, and that Mr.
Jones was his nephew and his heir.
Men over-violent in their dispositions are, for the most part, as
changeable in them. No sooner was Western informed of Mr.
Allworthy's intention to make Jones his heir than he joined
heartily with the uncle in every commendation of the nephew, and
became as eager for his daughter's marriage with Jones as he had
before been to couple her to Blifil.
Fitzpatrick being recovered of his wound, and admitting the
aggression, Jones was released from custody and returned to his
lodgings to meet Mr. Allworthy.
It is impossible to conceive a more tender or moving scene than
this meeting between the uncle and nephew. Allworthy received
Jones into his arms. "O my child!" he cried, "how
have I been to blame! How have I injured you! What amends can I
ever make you for those unkind suspicions which I have
entertained, and for all the sufferings they have occasioned
you?"
"Am I not now made amends?" cried Jones. "Would
not my sufferings, had they been ten times greater, have been now
richly repaid?"
Here the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Western,
who could no longer be kept away even by the authority of
Allworthy himself. Western immediately went up to Jones, crying
out, "My old friend Tom, I am glad to see thee, with all my
heart. All past must be forgotten. Come along with me; I'll carry
thee to thy mistress this moment."
Here Allworthy interposed; and the squire was obliged to consent
to delay introducing Jones to Sophia till the afternoon.
Blifil, now thoroughly exposed in his treachery, was at first
sullen and silent, balancing in his mind whether he should yet
deny all; but finding at last the evidence too strong against
him, betook himself to confession, and was now as remarkably mean
as he had been before remarkably wicked. Mr. Allworthy
subsequently settled £200 a year upon him, to which Jones hath
privately added a third. Upon this income Blifil lives in one of
the northern counties. He is also lately turned Methodist, in
hopes of marrying a very rich widow of that sect. Sophia would
not at first permit any promise of an immediate engagement with
Jones because of certain stories of his inconstancy, but Mr.
Western refused to hear of any delay.
"To-morrow or next day?" says Western, bursting into
the room where Sophia and Jones were alone.
"Indeed, sir," says she, "I have no such
intention."
"But I can tell thee," replied he, "why hast not;
only because thou dost love to be disobedient, and to plague and
vex thy father. When I forbid her, then it was all nothing but
sighing and whining, and languishing and writing; now I am for
thee-(this to Jones)-she is against thee. All the spirit of
contrary, that's all. She is above being guided and governed by
her father, that is the whole truth on't. It is only to disoblige
and contradict me."
"What would my papa have me do?" cries Sophia.
"What would I ha' thee do?" says he, "why gee un
thy hand this moment."
"Well, sir," said Sophia, "I will obey you. There
is my hand, Mr. Jones."
"Well, and will you consent to ha' un to-morrow
morning?" says Western.
"I will be obedient to you, sir," cries she.
"Why, then, to-morrow morning be the day," cries he.
"Why, then, to-morrow morning shall be the day, papa, since
you will have it so," said Sophia. Jones then fell upon his
knees and kissed her hand in an agony of joy, while Western began
to caper and dance about the room, presently crying out,
"Where the devil is Allworthy?" He then sallied out in
quest of him, and very opportunely left the lovers to enjoy a few
tender minutes alone.
But he soon returned with Allworthy, saying, "If you won't
believe me, you may ask her yourself. Hast not gin thy consent,
Sophy, to be married to-morrow?"
"Such are your commands, sir," cries Sophia, "and
I dare not be guilty of disobedience."
"I hope there is not the least constraint," cries
Allworthy.
"Why, there," cried Western, "you may bid her
unsay all again if you will. Dost repent heartily of thy promise,
dost not, Sophy?"
"Indeed, papa," cried she. "I do not repent, nor
do I believe I ever shall, of any promise in favour of Mr.
Jones."
"Then, nephew," cries Allworthy, "I felicitate you
most heartily, for I think you are the happiest of men."
Mr. Allworthy, Mr. Western, and Mrs. Miller were the only persons
present at the wedding, and within two days of that event Mr.
Jones and Sophia attended Mr. Western and Mr. Allworthy into the
country.
There is not a neighbour or a servant, who doth not most
gratefully bless the day when Mr. Jones was married to Sophia.