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Glyn Hughes' SQUASHED WRITERS ALL THE BOOKS YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO HAVE READ In their own words... but magically Squashed into half-hour short stories... |
The
Squashed version of
A Tour in
Lapland
by
Carl Linnaeus
1811
I: A
WANDERING SCIENTIST
Having been appointed by the Royal Academy of Sciences to travel
through Lapland for the purpose of investigating the three
kingdoms of nature in that country, I prepared my wearing apparel
and other necessaries for the journey.
I carried a small leather bag, half an ell in length, but
somewhat less in breadth, furnished on one side with hooks and
eyes, so that it could be opened and shut at pleasure. This bag
contained one shirt, two pairs of false sleeves, two half shirts,
an inkstand, pen case, microscope and spying glass, a gauze cap
to protect me occasionally from the gnats, a comb, my journal and
a parcel of paper stitched together for drying plants, both in
folio; my manuscript ornithology, Flora Uplandica, and Characters
generici. I wore a hanger at my side, and carried a small
fowling-piece, as well as a stick, graduated for the purpose of
measuring.
I set out alone from the city of Upsal on Friday, May 22, 1732,
at eleven o'clock, being at that time within half a day of
twenty-five years of age.
At this season nature wore her most cheerful and delightful
aspect, and Flora celebrated her nuptials with Phoebus. The
winter corn was half a foot in height and the barley had just
shot out its blade. The birch, the elm and the aspen tree began
to put forth their leaves. A number of mares with their colts
were grazing everywhere near the road.
I remarked the great length of the colts' legs, which, according
to the common opinion, are as long at their birth as they will
ever be. I noticed young kids, under whose chin, at the beginning
of the throat, was a pair of tubercles, like those seen in pigs,
about an inch long, and clothed with a few scattered hairs. Of
their use I am ignorant.
The forest abounded with the yellow anemone (Anemone
ranunculoides), which many people consider as differing from
that genus. One would suppose they had never seen an anemone at
all. Here, also, grew hepatica and wood sorrel.
Their blossoms were all closed. Who has endowed plants with
intelligence to shut themselves up at the approach of rain? Even
when the weather changes in a moment from sunshine to rain they
immediately close.
Near the great river Linsnan I found blood-red stones. On rubbing
them I found the red colour external and distinct from the stone;
in fact, it was a red byssus.
At Enänger the people seemed somewhat larger in stature than in
other places, especially the men. I inquired whether the children
are kept longer at the breast than is usual with us, and was
answered in the affirmative. They are allowed that nourishment
more than twice as long as in other places. I have a notion that
Adam and Eve were giants, and that mankind from one generation to
another, owing to poverty and other causes, has diminished in
size. Hence, perhaps, the diminutive stature of the Laplanders.
The old tradition that the inhabitants of Helsingland never have
the ague is untrue, since I heard of many cases.
Between the post-house of Iggsund and Hudwiksvall a
violet-coloured clay is found in abundance, forming a regular
stratum. I observed it likewise in a hill, the strata of which
consisted of two or three fingers' breadths of common vegetable
mould, then from four to six inches of barren sand, next about a
span of the violet clay, and, lastly, barren sand.
The clay contained small and delicately smooth white bivalve
shells, quite entire, as well as some larger brown ones, of which
great quantities are to be found near the waterside. I am,
therefore, convinced that all these valleys and marshes have
formerly been under water and that the highest hills only then
rose above it.
At this spot. grows the Anemone hepatica with a purple
flower; a variety so very rare in other places that I should
almost be of the opinion of the gardeners, who believe the
colours of particular earths may be communicated to flowers.
On May 21 I found at Natra some fields cultivated in an
extraordinary manner. After the field has lain fallow three or
four years, it is sown with one part rye and two parts barley,
mixed together. The barley ripens, and is reaped. The rye,
meantime, goes into leaf, but shoots up no stem, since it is
smothered by the barley. After the barley has been reaped,
however, the rye grows and ripens the following year, producing
an abundant crop.
II: LAPLAND CUSTOMS
The Laplanders of Lycksele prepare a kind of curd or cheese from
the milk of the reindeer and the leaves of sorrel. They boil
these leaves in a copper vessel, adding one-third part water,
stirring it continually with a ladle that it may not burn, and
adding fresh leaves from time to time till the whole acquires the
consistence of a syrup. This takes six or seven hours, after
which it is set by to cool, and is then mixed with the milk and
preserved for use from autumn till the ensuing summer in wooden
vessels, or in the first stomach of the reindeer. It is stored
either in the caves of the mountains or in holes dug in the
ground, lest it should be attacked by the mountain mice.
IN Angermanland the people eat sour milk prepared in the
following manner. After the milk is turned, and the curd taken
out, the whey is put into a vessel, where it remains till it
becomes sour. Immediately after the making of cheese, fresh whey
is poured lukewarm on the former sour whey. This is repeated
several times, care being always taken that the fresh whey be
lukewarm. This prepared milk is esteemed a great dainty by the
country people. Sometimes it is eaten along with fresh milk.
Intermittent fevers would not be so rare here as they are if they
could be produced by acid diet, for then this food must
infallibly occasion them.
In Westbothland one of the peasants had shot a young beaver,
which fell under my examination. It was a foot and a half long,
exclusive of the tail, which was a palm in length and two inches
and a half in breadth. The hairs on the back were longer than the
rest; the external ones brownish black, the inner pale brown; the
belly clothed with short, dark-brown fur; body depressed; ears
obtuse, clothed with fine short hairs and destitute of any
accessory lobe; snout blunt, with round nostrils; upper lip
cloven as far as the nostrils; lower vary short; the whiskers
black, long and stout; eyebrow of three bristles like the
whiskers over each eye; neck, none. The fur of the belly was
distinguished from that of the sides by a line on each side, in
which the skin was visible. Feet clothed with very short hairs,
quite different from those of the body. A fleshy integument
invested the whole body.
There were two cutting teeth in each jaw, of which the upper pair
were the shortest, and notched at the summit like steps; the
lower and larger pair were sloped off obliquely-grinders very far
remote from the fore teeth, which is characteristic of the
animal, four on each side; hind feet webbed, but fore feet with
separate claws; tail flat, oblong, obtuse, with a reticulated
naked surface.
At Lycksele was a woman supposed to have a brood of frogs in her
stomach, owing to drinking water containing frogs' spawn. She
thought she could feel three of them, and that she and those
beside her could hear them croak. Her uneasiness was alleviated
by drinking brandy. Salt had no effect in killing the frogs, and
even nux vomica, which had cured another case of the same
kind, was useless. I advised her to try tar, but she had already
tried it in vain.
The Lycksele Laplanders are subject, when compelled to drink the
warm sea water, to allem, or colic, for which they use
soot, snuff, salt and other remedies. They also suffer from
asthma, epilepsy, pleurisy and rheumatism. Fever and small-pox
are rare. They cure coughs by sulphur laid on burning fungus.
On June 3, being lost amid marshes, I sent a man to obtain a
guide. About two in the afternoon he returned, accompanied by an
extraordinary creature. I can scarce believe that any practical
description of a fury could come up to the idea which this
Lapland fair one excited. It might well be imagined she was
really of Stygian origin. Her stature was very diminutive; her
face of the darkest brown, from the effects of smoke; her eyes
dark and sparkling; her eyebrows black. Her patchy-coloured hair
hung loose about her head, and she wore a flat red cap.
Though a fury in appearance, she addressed me with pity and
reserve. I inquired how far it was to Sorsele. "That we do
not know," replied she; "but in the present state of
the roads it is at least seven days' journey, as my husband has
told me." I was exhausted and famishing. How I longed to
meet once more people who feed on spoon-meat! I inquired of the
woman if she could give me food. She replied that she could give
me only fish, but finding the fish full of maggots, I could not
touch it. On arriving at her hut, however, I perceived three
cheeses, and succeeded in buying the smallest. Then I returned
through the marshes the way I came.
I remarked that all the women hereabouts feed their infants by
means of a horn; nor do they take the trouble of boiling the
milk, so that no wonder the children have worms. I could not help
being astonished that these peasants did not suckle their
children.
Near the road I saw the under-jaw of a horse, having six fore
teeth, much worn and blunted; two canine teeth; and at a distance
from the latter twelve grinders, six on each side. If I knew how
many teeth, and of what peculiar form, as well as how many udders
and where situated, each animal has, I should perhaps be able to
contrive a most natural methodical arrangement of quadrupeds.
(This observation seems to record the first idea of the Linnaean
system of the order of the mammalia.)
Ill: IGNORANCE INCORRIGIBLE
On June 18 the people brought me a peasant's child, supposed to
have cataract; I concluded that it was not cataract; but noticing
that the eyeballs rolled upwards when the child was spoken to, I
asked the mother whether, when she was with child, she had seen
anybody turn their eyes in that manner. She replied that she had
attended her mother, or mother-in-law, who was supposed to be
dying, whose eyes rolled in a similar fashion. This was the cause
of the infant's misfortune.
At Lulea I was informed of a disease of cattle so pestilential
that though the animals were flayed even before they were cold,
whenever their blood had come in contact with the human body it
had caused gangrenous spots and sores. Some persons had both
their hands swelled, and one his face, in consequence of the
blood coming upon it. Many people had lost their lives by the
disease, insomuch that nobody would now venture to flay any more
of the cattle, but contrived to bury them whole.
On June 30 I arrived at Jockmock, where the curate and
schoolmaster tormented me with their consummate and most
incorrigible ignorance. I could not but wonder that so much pride
and ambition, such scandalous want of information, with such
incorrigible stupidity, could exist in persons of their
profession, who are commonly expected to be men of knowledge. No
man will deny the propriety of such people as these being placed
as far as possible from civilized society.
The learned curate began his conversation by remarking how the
clouds as they strike the mountains carry away stones, trees and
cattle. I ventured to suggest that such accidents were rather to
be attributed to the force of the wind, since the clouds could
not of themselves carry away anything. He laughed at me, saying
surely I had never seen any clouds. It seemed to me that he could
never have been anywhere but in the clouds.
I explained that when the weather is foggy I walk in clouds, and
that when the cloud is condensed it rains. At all such reasoning,
being above his comprehension, he only laughed with a sardonic
smile. Still less was he satisfied with my explanation how watery
bubbles may be lifted into the air. He insisted that the clouds
were solid bodies, reinforced his assertion with a text in
Scripture, and laughed at my ignorance.
He next condescended to inform me that a phlegm is always to be
found on the mountains where the clouds have touched them. I told
him that the phlegm was a vegetable called nostoc, and he
thereupon concluded that too much learning had turned my brain
and, fully persuaded of his own complete knowledge of nature, was
pleased to be very facetious at my expense. Finally he graciously
advised me to pay some regard to the opinions of people skilled
in these abstruse matters, and not to expose myself on my return
by publishing such preposterous opinions.
Meantime the pedagogue lamented that people should bestow so much
attention upon temporal vanities and consequently, alas, neglect
their spiritual good; and he remarked that many a man had been
ruined by too great application to study.
Both these wise men concurred in one thing: they could not
conceal their wonder that the Royal Academy should have appointed
a mere student for the purposes for which I was sent when there
were men like themselves in the country.
The common method of the Laplanders for joining broken
earthenware is to tie the fragments together with a thread and
boil the whole in fresh milk, which acts as a cement.
The Laplanders are particularly swiftfooted because: they wear no
heels to their half-boots; they are accustomed to run from their
infancy, and habitually exercise their muscles; their muscles are
not stiffened by labour; they eat animal food, and do not
overeat; they are of small stature. They are healthy because they
breathe pure air and drink pure water, eat their food cold and
thoroughly cooked, never overload their stomachs, and have a
tranquil mind.
IV: A LAPLAND MARRIAGE
All-the Laplanders are blear-eyed, owing to the sharp wind, the
glare on the snow, fogs and smoke. Yet I never met any people who
lead such easy, happy lives as the Laplanders. In summer they
have two meals of milk a day, and when they have milked their
reindeer or made cheese, they resign themselves to indolent
tranquillity, not knowing what to do next.
When a Laplander wishes to marry he goes with all his nearest
relatives to the hut of the young woman. He himself remains
outside; but the others, laden with provisions and presents,
enter and begin negotiations. When they are all seated the young
man's father presents some brandy to the young woman's father,
and being asked the reason of the gift, replies: "I am come
hither with a good intention, and I pray God it may
prosper." He then declares his errand, and if his suit is
favourably received, the friends of the lover place the presents-
usually utensils and silver coins- on a reindeer skin before the
father and the mother of the prospective bride, and the father,
or the mother, of the lover apportions the money to the young
woman and her parents. If the presents are considered
satisfactory, the daughter is sent for.
When the bride enters the hut her father asks her whether she is
satisfied with what he has done. To which she replies that she
submits herself to the disposal of her father. The mother then
lays in the bride's lap the sum apportioned for her. If it proves
less than she expected, she shows her dissatisfaction by various
gestures and signs of refusal.
When such pecuniary matters are finally arranged the father and
mother of the bridegroom present him and his bride with a cup of
brandy, of which they partake together, and then all the company
shake hands. Afterwards they take off their hats, and one of the
company makes an oration, praying for God's blessing upon the
couple.
Then the provisions, which generally consist of several cheeses
and a piece of meat dried and salted, are brought forward, and
the company sit down to feast.
The bride and bridegroom are placed together and are given the
best of the provisions.
The dinner being over, the whole company shake hands, return
thanks for the entertainment and retire to bed. Next morning they
all feed on the remainder of the feast. The marriage ceremony is
performed after the company has departed.
About one o'clock on the afternoon of October 10, I returned safe
to Upsal.