Lets get on with more jokes:

Twelve Year Old Scotch
St. Peter's Day Off
The Parrot and The Burglar
Cannibals
Recipe For a Rum Cake
Baked Beans
Cinderella

TWELVE YEAR OLD SCOTCH

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.

The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year- old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "what do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS," to which the old drunk replies, "That right, now guess how old I am."

ST. PETER'S DAY OFF

One day Jesus approached St Peter and told him to take the day off because he had been working very hard without any rest. St Peter resisted because there was some heavy construction going on and things would be confusing. Jesus insisted that he could handle things so St Peter left. Shortly thereafter, two guys came before Jesus wanting to enter Heaven. Jesus told them that things were in chaos right at the moment because of construction but that he would let them go back to earth as anything they wished and then call them back when things settled down. The first guy told Jesus he wanted to go back as an eagle and soar over the earth and view all its wonders from up in the sky. Jesus made the arrangements and sent him on his way. The second guy told Jesus that he wanted to go back as a stud. Jesus again made the arrangements and sent that person on his way.

About a week later, St Peter approached Jesus and told him that the head count for the week had come up two souls short and that he traced the situation to when he took the day off. Jesus said, "Oh, yes. There were two souls that came up that day but I sent them back to earth as anything they wanted to be. The first guy is an eagle and I can get him back easy enough. The second guy is a stud." "A stud?" said St Peter. "How can we get him back?" "That's easy," Jesus said. "He's on a snow tire in between Cheyenne, Wyoming and Denver, Colorado."

THE PARROT AND THE BURGLAR

A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He's sure that there's nobody home but he sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept.

He hears a voice say, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"

He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle!

A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"

He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?"

The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"

"Hah! So what?! You're just a parrot!" says the burglar.

"I may be just a parrot", replies the parrot. "But Jesus is a Doberman!"

CANNIBALS

A plane crashed on an island inhabited by cannibals. In the plane were 3 men: a German, a Jew , and a New Yorker. Well, the cannibals found the men and took them to their camp. Upon reaching these sacred grounds, the cannibals told the men that they were going to kill them and eat them. However, they could each choose their own way of dying and the cannibals promised not to waste any of their body parts - they would eat the meat, use the bones for tools and use the skin to make canoes. So, the German shoots himself. The Jew hangs himself. And the New Yorker asks for a fork. "Why do you need a fork?" the cannibals asked. "Just get me a fork!" So, the cannibals brought the man a fork and he proceeded to stab himself over and over yelling, "Screw your damn canoes!"

RECIPE FOR A RUM CAKE

1 or 2 quarts of Rum
1 c. butter
1 tsp sugar
2 lg eggs
1 c dried fruit
1 tsp soda
lemon juice
brown sugar
nuts
baking powder

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add on seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhhile, make sure thata the rum is still of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open the second quarat if necessary. Add 1 arge leggs, 2 cups fired druit and beat til high. If druit get stuck in beater, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, check for tonscicticity.

Next, shift 3 cusps of peppar or salt (it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice.

Fold in chipped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thrgar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mel. Grease the oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour into coven and bake.

Check the rum again and go to bed!

BAKED BEANS

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved then. but he always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to them. Then, one day, he met a girl and fell in love with her. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she is a sweet and gentle girl and will never go for this kind of carrying on. So, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans. The were married thereafter.

Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country, he called her and told her that he would be late getting home because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any effects before reaching home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, he had eaten three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, he put-putted and after arriving, felt reasonably sure that he had putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed: Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight.

She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow that he would not touch the blindfold until she returned. Then she went to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him.

Things had just about returned to normal, when he felt the urge come on again, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true prize winner. While keeping his ear on the phone, he went on like this for 10 minutes, until he knew the phone farewell indicated the end of his freedom. He placed the napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling contently to himself was the perfect picture on innocence. When his wife returned she asked if he had peeked and he said no. At that point, she removed the blindfold and revealed his surprise.

Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a birthday party for him.

CINDERELLA

We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news:

The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions. Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, "You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm."

The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm.

"Well, what's the second condition?" Cinderella asked.

The fairy godmother replies, "You must be back home and 2:00 AM. Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2AM, then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin and reminds her that at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home at 2AM...

At 2AM, Cinderella doesn't show up...3AM, no Cinderella...4AM, no Cinderella...finally, at 5AM, Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face.

The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, "Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!"

Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies, "I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other...."