Lets get on with more jokes:

The Penguin
Little Tommy's Dead Frog
Johnny In Class
Just Won The Lottery
Trick Or Treat
Billys New Girlfriend

THE PENGUIN

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AAA, resulting in his car being quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.

The penguin, being a good-natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks for a while. After an hour he managed to get in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and hurried back to the garage still covered in ice cream.

The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."

Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream..."

LITTLE TOMMY'S DEAD FROG

One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (Thud thud thud etc.) He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this."

Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a £50 note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right" comes the reply as the £50 vanishes.

Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries. "No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another £50 appears. "Ahh, last door on the left..." he is told.

Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (with frog) when she calls him back.

"I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"

"Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the babysitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

JOHNNY IN CLASS

Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher told the class that they were going to do a thinking activity.

"I'm going to reach into this bag and describe an object to you and then you let me know what you think it is. Okay class, here we go."

She reaches into the bag and says, "I am holding something that is round, hard, and red."

Sally raises her hand and says, "It's an apple."

"Very good," the teacher says. "I like the way you're thinking. Now I am holding something round, hard, and yellow."

Georgie raises his hand and says, "It's a lemon."

"Very good," the teacher says. " I like the way you're thinking."

At this point Johnny jumps up and yells, "Okay teacher. I have my hand in my pocket and I'm holding something round, hard, and with a head on it!"

"You're disgusting!" the teacher says. "Go to the office!"

Whereupon Johnny pulls out a quarter and says, "You're wrong, but I like the way you're thinking!"

JUST WON THE LOTTERY

This woman comes home ecstatic one day and tells her husband, "Honey pack your bags! I just won the LOTTERY!"

Her husband is elated and asks, "What should I pack? Clothes for the beach? Clothes for skiing?

The woman says, "I don't care just get the hell out!"

TRICK OR TREAT

There were these two children of colour trying to decide what to get dressed as to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Finally the oldest one, Robert, turned to his sister Francine and said, "I know, we'll go as Hansel and Gretel."

Well, they dressed up as Hansel and Gretel on Halloween night and off they went to ring doorbells all over the neighborhood. They came to a house on the end of their block and Robert rang the doorbell.

"Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled in unison.

The old man at the door peered down at them and said. "And who are you?"

"Why, we're Hansel and Gretel," Robert said.

The man shook his head. "You can't be Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel were white." And then he slammed the door on their faces.

Well Robert and Francine went back to their house and Robert thought furiously. "I know," he said. "You can go as Little Bo Peep and I'll go as Little Boy Blue."

So they changed quickly into their new costumes and headed back out the door. A few minutes later, they found themselves at the same house as earlier.

"Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled again as the door opened.

Once again the man stared down at them and said, "Who might you be." "Why we're Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue," Robert said. The man shook his head and said. "You can't be Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue. They were white." And he slammed the door on their faces.

Robert and Francine walked back to the house, their candy bags empty. But Robert got an idea and quickly slipped out of his costume. Then he helped Francine out of hers.

When the knock came at the door, the old man grabbed his basket of candy and opened the door. Much to his surprise, there were two naked black children standing on his porch.

"Well, what do we have here," he asked.

"Two M&Ms," Robert said. "One with nuts and one without."

BILLYS NEW GIRLFRIEND

This lad (19), we shall call him Billy, he moves to a new town, and meets a girl. They get on well, and things get quite steamy after only a couple of meetings. The girl invites him around to her parents house for an evening meal, followed by a 'walk in the park'.

Being a sensible chap, Billy goes to the pharmacists to purchase some condoms. He gets chatting to the pharmacist, and explains that he is new to town.

"You have already met a girl then?" says the pharmacist. "Oh yes," says Billy, "And she is so horny, I guess I should have a 12 pack, not a 3 pack!". The pharmacist gives him a big grin, sells him the condoms and says "Hey mate, do come back and tell me how it all went!". "No problem, I will drop in soon for some more 'supplies' anyway!" replied Billy.

That evening, Billy arrives at his girlfriends house, dressed up nicely to make a good impression. The Mother of the family lets him in, they exchange pleasantries, and she leads him straight through to where the meal is being served.

"Would you like to say grace?" asks the Farther. "Certainly," says Billy, and then he launches into the longest pre-meal prayer ever given. He gave praise to God, thanked God for his health, and the health of the family that he was the guest of. He went on to praise the Lord for the joys of all the world, the life around them, the weather, and just about every thing. When the father cleared his throat for the eleventh time, Billy guessed that it was time to stop. As he said "Amen", everyone also said "Amen" with much relief.

After the meal, Billy's girlfriend walks him to the door, and says "Billy, I didn't know that you were so religious, how long have you been praying?" "Well," said Billy, "I started to pray once I discovered that your Dad was the local pharmacist."