Lets get on with more jokes:

The Monks of the Amazon
The Hook
The Postman's Last Day
The Victoria Train

THE MONKS OF THE AMAZON

Paul wanted to get away from it all, so he set off to explore the world. After having a fine time in Europe, and a couple of months in Spain, he ended up in the Amazon. He wandered around for a few weeks, and then decided to really explore it. He walked for miles and miles, eating fruit and any animals he could catch, and getting happily lost. He did have a slight run-in with a crocodile, but he managed to escape, and carried on. He found a stunningly beautiful area and set up home there for a while, building a nice home out of wood, and learning skills that he never deemed he would. After living in his home for 3 months, he was beginning to feel lonely, so he headed off again.

This time he made progress, following the river along, and moving quickly to find some companionship. He ate well, catching fish, but the fish were no good at conversation, so he soon got desperately bored.

After a couple of weeks, he saw a large building. He went an knocked on the door, and a monk opened it.

"Hello" said the monk (Monks are know for being friendly, and saying 'hello')

"Hello," said Paul, "I'm Paul"

"Do come in Paul, our Monastery is your Monastery, any thing you want, just ask, but we are about to have dinner, won't you join us?"

"I'd love to" said Paul.

Dinner was a feast the likes of which Paul had never seen. The wine was beautiful, and Paul hadn't had any alcohol for many months, and he ate like a pig. After dinner, with all the alcohol flowing through his blood stream, Paul needed some sleep. The monk showed him to his room, and Paul slept like a baby.

The next morning, Paul awoke feeling like a new man. He couldn't find one, so he settled for a monk(!) The Monk said "If you want anything at all, please just ask".

"OK, I will have a think about that" said Paul

"Really," said the monk, "It would be a pleasure for us to supply you with anything that your heart desires".

Paul spent the next few days enjoying the food and wine, and going with the Monks to pray, and then, having had plenty of time to think about it, he had a quiet word with the Monk.

"Can you really supply me with anything I desire?" asked Paul.

"Anything at all, you name it, and we will get it for you."

"OK, if you are sure," Said Paul, "I would love a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, 7 candles, a sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat"

"Let me get this right," said the Monk, "You want a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, 7 candles, a sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat?"

"Please," said Paul, "And a white sheep, not a black one, if that is OK?" "A white sheep? OK, No problem, but it might take a little time"

The next 8 days went by with good food, good wine, good prayers, and no sheep, etc.

On the ninth day, the Monk went up to Paul, and said "Well, it was hard work, but we have got you a hair-dryer, a Macintosh, 7 candles, a white sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat, they are all in your room."

"That is GREAT" said Paul, "I will go and check them all now."

An hour later, he found the monk, and said "I am sorry to trouble you, but the hairdryer doesn't have a 'cold-air' option, is it possible to change it?"

"Of course it is" said the monk, who wandered off muttering something about 'not being a bloody Argos store'.

The next day, Paul found a new hair-dryer outside his door, with a cold option. He was ecstatic. The Monks didn't see much of Paul for the next few weeks, but they heard some very odd noises from his room.

After a month or so, Paul announced to the Monk that he really ought to think about heading home.

"OK, well thank you for visiting us." Said the Monk.

"I shall miss you all, you have been so kind to me, treating me like a long lost son, feeding me, supplying everything that I desire, how can I ever repay you?" Paul asked the Monk.

"Well, there is one thing" said the Monk, "I would love to know why you wanted a hair-dryer (hot and cold air), a Macintosh, 7 candles, a white sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat?"

"Oh, the hair-dryer (hot and cold air), a Macintosh, 7 candles, a white sheep, some butter, a pair of wellies, and a goat? well, can you keep a secret?"

"Yes I can." said the monk

And he did.

THE HOOK

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked increduously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

THE POSTMAN'S LAST DAY

It was George the Postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing hooks, and the folks at the fourth and fifth houses had clubbed together to present him a fishing rod.

At the sixth house he was met by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind (amongst other things) with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast - eggs, bacon, sausages, fried bread, tomato, waffles and freshly-squeezed orange juice - the works. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar" "Breakfast was my idea."

THE VICTORIA TRAIN

A man travelling on a train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.

"This train doesn't stop at Victoria, its the express".

"Your joking!, I NEED to get off at Victoria".

"Sorry sir, this train will not stop at Victoria".

"There must be something you can do".

"Well there is one thing".

"What, anything, I need to get off".

"Well, I'll get the driver to slow down and I'll dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform".

"My god! will that work".

"Its worth a try".

The train approaches the platform at 50 mph. The ticket collector hangs the man in mid air out the door, the man starts running! The man is running in mid air.

"Run faster! Run faster!"

The ticket collector lowers the man down. The mans feet touch the platform! Smoke flies of his shoes and his heel comes off. The man is running for his life! The ticket collector lets go The man is running at 30mph!! He's made it, he begins to slow down. He's still running at 20mph along side the train as the other passengers watch in amazement. As the last carriage goes by a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts him back onto the train. As he's being pulled into the carriage he hears a voice say.....

"Your lucky I was here to help, this train doesn't even stop at Victoria!!!!"