Lets get on with more jokes:

One Liners
Jimmy Wants To Be A Builder
Subject Of Spelling

ONE LINERS

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts!

Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was too chicken.

What do you call a person with lepersy in a bath tub? Stew.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day?

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"

How do you describe the average cannibal? A guy with a wife and ate children.

What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of Room

What does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm.

Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!

Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station.

A pork pie walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we dont serve food in here.

What do you get when you put a canary in a blender? Shredded tweet

What's clear and smells like carrots? A Rabbit fart.

What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon.

Where does a one armed man shop? At a second hand store!

What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off!

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.

What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.

Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms!

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!

Why can't skeletons play music in church? They have no organs!

What's the ultimate doom for a leper? An epileptic fit.

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.

What bird can lift the most weight? The Crane.

Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top? He was loitering within tent.

Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Beause he saw his phone bill.

Why were all the ink spots crying? Thier father was in the pen.

What did the dog say to the tree? bark.

JIMMY WANTS TO BE A BUILDER

Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old.

He was bugging Mother so she said, "Jimmy, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you'll learn something."

Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked him what he learned.

Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each side and put the Mother fucker back up."

Jimmy's Mother said, "you wait til your Dad comes home." When Jimmy's dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street. Jimmy told his dad the whole story. Dad said, "Jimmy, you go outside and get the switch."

Jimmy replied, "Fuck you, that's the Electrician's job."

SUBJECT OF SPELLING

In a train carraige one day were two small boys and a middle aged woman reading a book. The two small boys were having a deep heated discussion on the subject of spelling.

"Its spelt ' W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B '"

"No its not. It's spelt ' W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'"

The lady leans over and says "Excuse me, but I think you'll find its spelt 'W-O-M-B'"

First little boy replies " Nah, I bet you've never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart underwater !"