Light Bulbs

Part One

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what lis-elib was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.....

Q: What did the light bulb say to the fuse ?

A: That's a blow !

Q: How many Christines does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but she will do it in 16 parts and make it last as long as possible.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, and sixteen to sing how good the old one was!

Q: Why does it take 5 women with PMT, to change a light bulb?

A: BECAUSE IT DOES, RIGHT

Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.

A: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.

A: One, but just try to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Two but it will take all week, and when they're done the light bulb will do your homework, speak French, and shine any color you want it to.

A: Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of the 'Bluffer's Guide to Changing Light bulbs.'

A: Two, but they never change it - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!

A: None: Cancerians would worry themselves to death with the problem.

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're out.

A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Virgos don't have time to change their own light bulbs.

They're too busy changing them for everyone else.

A: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

A: Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb...

Q: How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?

A: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?

A: Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or...

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Why do you want to know ? Are you a cop ?

A: None - they'd rather sit in the dark.

A: That information is strictly secret and only shared with the inner members of the heirarchical Order.

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay ?

A: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?

A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn a piece.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. Capricorns can't afford new light bulbs - unless they're a legitimate business expense.

A: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...

A: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.

A: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you ? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Huh? The light's out?

A: What light bulb?

A: None: They concern themselves with inner light.

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.

A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?

A: Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs.

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?

A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.

A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in.

A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.

A: None: "We'll fix it in software."

Q: How long will it take?

A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.

Q: What if you have two dead bulbs?

A: They replace your fuse box.

Q: How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the problems, we just find them.

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.

A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path.

Q: How many unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.

Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Read the man page!

Q: How many UNIX system vendors does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. All of the light bulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the socket. (However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)

Q: How many software vendors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None: You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the privilege, and re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee.

A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.

A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.

A: "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when we upgrade to light bulb version 6.1..."

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None: "We'll document it in the manual."

Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they forgot to declare it first

Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?

A: 24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries...