Lets get on with more of the business:

Computer Virus Alert
A Guide to Safe Fax
Signs You Have a Drink Problem

COMPUTER VIRUS ALERT

Please note! The following new computer viruses have been detected in or around the country. Please be alert for them when you scan your computers:

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS : Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS : Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS : Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS : This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS : Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS : Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.

ABORTION RIGHTS VIRUS : Deletes a file before it can be copied to the disk. Says that a file is not a file, and is therefore deletable.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS : Promises to save your disk, then once installed, does what all of the other viruses tell it to do and ignores its installer.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS : Forces all of the CPU's calculations to be done in secrecy. Another variation can turn 1000 bytes into 100,000 bytes through options trading. Any attempt to disagree with the results of the calculations are flagged as "out of date" and you get the "sad mac" face. Changes hairstyle frequently.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS : It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS : Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

AL GORE VIRUS : Undistinguishable from the directory tree.

TED TURNER VIRUS : Colourises your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS : Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS : Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS : Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS : Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

RANDALL TERRY VIRUS : Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS : Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS : The computer locks up, screen splits eratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS 2 : Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesnt allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS : You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS : Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS : Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

VINCE FOSTER VIRUS : Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. Kills anyone who tries to investigate.

NIKE VIRUS : Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS : Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS : Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS : Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS : Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS : Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS : Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS : Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS : Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

A GUIDE TO SAFE FAX

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?

A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty one.

How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?

A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you have learned the correct procedure.

Q. If i fax to myself, will I go blind?

A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on my street where you can go and pay to fax someone. Is this legal?

A. YES! Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a PROFESSIONAL when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q. I fax quite often...Should I use a cover?

A. Unless you are really sure of the one you're faxing, a cover should always be used.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly fax and fax prematurely?

A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed for a long time. Just start over. Most fax partners won't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a business and a personal fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?

A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover each time you fax, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

SIGNS YOU HAVE A DRINK PROBLEM

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

When you can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

The glass keeps missing your mouth!

Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.

I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

You've fallen and you can't get up.

When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the ice pack....

Bartender! Get me another Bar!

The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.