Lets get on with more of the business:

Temperature Scale
News Headlines
Sex Life Of An Electron
Polynomials

TEMPERATURE SCALE

60 :
Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)

50 :
Miami residents turn on the heat

40 :
You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming

35 :
Italian cars don't start

32 :
Water freezes

30 :
You plan your vacation to Australia
Minnesotans put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
British cars don't start
Your boogers freeze

25 :
Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming

20 :
You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 :
French cars don't start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 :
Too cold to ski
You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 :
You plan your vacation in Houston
American cars don't start

0 :
Alaskans put on T-shirts
Too cold to skate

-10 :
German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 : You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist

-20 :
Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start

-25 :
Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 :
You plan a two week hot bath
The Mighty Monongahela freezes
Swedish cars don't start

-40 :
Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 :
Congressional hot air freeze
Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 :
Hell freezes over
Polar bears move south

NEWS HEADLINES

The following are actual news headlines from newspapers around the globe...

2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter

Air Head Fired

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Autos killing 110 a day - let's resolve to do better

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Blind woman gets new kidney from daughter she hasn't seen in years

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

British left waffles on Falkland Islands

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Child's death ruins couple's holiday

Childs stool great for use in garden

Cold wave linked to temperatures

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Dealers will hear car talk at noon

Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Deer Kill 17,000

Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors

Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

Eye drops off shelf

Farmer Bill dies in house

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Iraqi head seeks arms

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Lung cancer in women mushrooms

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Man is fatally slain

Milk drinkers are turning to powder

Miners refuse to work after death

NJ judge to rule on nude beach

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over

Plane too close to ground, crash probe told

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Police found safe hidden under bed

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

Queen Mary having bottom scraped

Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66

Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

Squad helps dog bite victim

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Stolen painting found by tree

Stud tires out

Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents

Teacher strikes idle kids

Two Soviet ships collide, one dies

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

War dims hope for peace

SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON

Once upon a time there lived a young electron called MICRO FARAD. One night young MICRO FARAD was feeling pretty highly charged; so he decided to find a cute coil to help him discharge his potential. He went round to MILLIE AMP's flat, put her on his pick-up and took her for a ride on his MEGACYCLE. They rode across a WHEATSTONE BRIDGE and stopped at a magnetic field by a flowing current.

MICRO FARAD, attracted by MILLIE AMP's CHARACTERISTIC CURVES soon had her fully charged and excited, and her resistance dropped to its minimum value. He then took out his tension probe and inserted it into her socket, connecting them in parallel, and began short circuiting her shunt using MAXWELL's CORKSCREW rule. Fully excited MILLIE AMP began moaning, " MHO, MHO, give me MHO ". With MICRO's discharge tube operating at maximum current flow, MILLIE soon reached her peak level. The excessive current overheated her shunt and she lost all her electrons.

They fluxed all night, trying various connections until MICRO's magnet had a soft iron core and lost its field strength. At a square wave length from MICRO, MILLIE tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. Meanwhile with the battery fully discharged, MICRO was unable to excite his field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

POLYNOMIALS

Once upon a time (1/t), pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.

Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that it was insufficient, and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of direction, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf, and she plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more, she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As he numerically analyzed her, his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, and a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly approaching her with his power series expanding. She could see by his degenerate conic that he was up to no good.

"What a symmetric little polynomial you are," he said. "I can see that your angles have lots of secs."

"Oh sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."

"Calm yourself, my dear", said our suave operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary."

"I, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous."

"What order are you?" the brute demanded.

"Seventeen," replied Polly.

"I suppose you've never been operated on?"

"Of course not," Polly cried indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent."

"Come, come," said Curly. "Let's go off to a decimal place, and I'll take you to the limit!"

"Never!" gasped Polly.

"Abscissa!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the head with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius squared itself. Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally she went to l'Hospital and generated a small but pathological function which left little surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of the story is, "If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."