Lets get on with more of the business:

Why Did The Computer Chicken Cross The Road
Anagrams
Church Bulletins

WHY DID THE COMPUTER CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD

• The Windows NT chicken will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
  
• The OS/2 chicken: it crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
  
• The Windows 95 chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like....chicken.
  
• Microsoft Chicken(TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
  
• The OOP chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
  
• The Assembler chicken: First, it builds the road....
  
• The C chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
  
• The C++ chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer it to the other side.
  
• The Prolog chicken: How it crosses the road doesn't matter--but ask it why and it'll tell you.
  
• VB: USHIGHWAYS!TheRoad.cross(aChicken)
  
• The Delphi chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
  
• The Java chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side.(Of course, those are chicklets.)
  
• The Web chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keep on running.
  
• The Gopher chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken
  
• The Newton chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket.
  
• The Cray chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
  
• The Quantum Logic chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.
  
• The Esther Dyson chicken: You can cross the road with her for only $3,000--but you also have to listen to her talk about how she went to Harvard.
  
• The Lotus chicken: Don't you dare try to cross the road the same way we do!
  
• The Byte chicken: It's started talking about all the great roads it crossed ten and fifteen years ago.
  
• The MacChicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's now way to tell it to.
  

ANAGRAMS

"President Boris Yeltsin" = "Endless insobriety trip"

"The Conservative Party" = "Teacher in vast poverty"

"The Labour Party" = "Upbeat Harlotry"

"Scottish National Party" = "Oh nasty tartan politics"

"Michael Portillo" = "A cool limp Hitler"

"Michael Portillo, Defence Secretary" = "Fiercely decent, parochial molester"

"Michael Ray Dibdin Heseltine" = "He is the incredibly mad alien"

"Virginia Bottomley" = "I'm an evil Tory bigot" "Virginia Bottomley" = "I'm an evil Tory bigot"

"Virginia Bottomley, Health Secretary" = "I am the totally overbearing hysteric"

"Virginia Bottomley, Heritage Secretary" = "A legitimate, overbearing, hysteric Tory"

"Anthony Blair, Labour Leader" = "Dire banally-honourable rat"

"Tony Blair, MP" = "Tony Blair PM"

"Tony Blair" = "Tory in Lab." "Tony Blair" = "Tory in Lab."

"Margaret Hilda Thatcher" = "High-tech Armada rattler"

"Camilla Parker Bowles" = "I'm Palace balls-worker"

"Bruce Forsyth's Generation Game" = "Embarrassing ego of the Century."

"William Clinton" = "An ill clown: I'm it!"

"President William Clinton" = "Nice, limp, wild total sinner"

"Ronald Wilson Reagan" = "A long-insane Warlord"

"Mister Newton Gingrich" = "Nice right-wing monster"

"The OJ Simpson Trial" = "Jail this moron pest"

"Acorn Computers" = "Crap to consumer."

"Apple Macintosh" = "Laptop machines."

"Microsoft Windows" = "I'd wow conformists."

"Pentium Processor" = "Computerises porn."

"The best things in life are free." = "Nail-biting refreshes the feet."

"President Boris Yeltsin" = "Rent-boy stirs idle penis."

"Linford Christie" = "Find her clitoris"

"The Artist Formerly Known as Prince" = "Foreskin-chewer rants importantly"

CHURCH BULLETINS

These actually appeared in various church bulletins:

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mr. Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the little mothers club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the alter.

The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

Tonights sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help.