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Why Beer Is Better Than Cucumbers
Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Beer
How To Spot Aliens At Work

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WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN CUCUMBERS

You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.

Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides.

Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow moldy if you leave them in the fridge for a month.

Beer is always in season.

Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles on the person you're looking at, if you drink enough of it.

Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.

THE CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN BEER

Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.

Cucumbers have fewer calories.

Your spouse won't complain about you sitting around all day watching TV and eating cucumbers.

You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.

Your spouse won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.

You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.

You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.

Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).

You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.

A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.

You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.

You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.

HOW TO SPOT ALIENS AT WORK

This article has been attributed to a number of different sources, mostly tabloid magazines, but apparently the real author is concealing his identity. Probably for fear of alien retaliation.

Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They listed 10 signs to watch for:

Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully understand the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.

Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might eat French fries with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of pills, the experts say.

Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.

Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton, a theoretical biologist and futurist.

Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are constantly gathering information," said Steiger.

Misuses everday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.

Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid, Easton said. "For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July," noted Steiger.

Secretive about personal lifestyle and home. "An alien won't discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends," said Steiger.

Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to speaking as we do, so it may practice speaking," Steiger noted.

Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.

The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.