Potpourri

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The Sad Bastard Test

THE SAD BASTARD TEST

Each question requires a "yes" or a "no" answer. Do not quibble about interpretation. Make up your own mind as to what the questions mean. You don't get a free point by writing your name at the top of the page. Count up your "yes" answers; this sum is used to calculate your final score.

Appearance:

Do you own an anorak?

... with five or more pockets?

... Does one of them contain an A-Z?

Do you wear glasses?

Are they mended with Sellotape(TM), fishing line, or epoxy?

Have you tried to grow a beard?

... and failed?

... because you are female?

Have you worn the same pair of trainers for more than two years?

Have you worn sandals with socks?

Are your jean turnups more than four inches high?

Do people look at you and laugh?

General Computing Questions:

Have you used a computer ?

Have you owned more than three home computers?

... Was one of them a ZX81? (Which you built yourself?)

Have you ever had a Casio calculator watch?

Have you ever got into an argument about whether C was better than Modula 2 or Pascal?

Do you collect old computing magazines for the nostalgic adverts (e.g., the Sinclair QL)?

Can you pronounce GIF, LATEX, JPEG, & SCSI?

... Do you care?

Have you ever deliberately crashed a computer? (If so, then burn in hell, scum!)

Do you have an email address, and prefer it to the phone?

Do you offer your email address to people before your name?

Have you ever joined electronic chatline called "HotSex" (or similar) and discovered that all the "women" chatting were really men pretending to be women?

... Were you one of them?

Do you hold conversations in jargon?

... with Acronyms/Abbreviations?

... in C/Pascal/Assembly language?

Computer Games:

Do you shout "NUKE 'EM!" in Lemmings?

Have you played more than three versions of Tetris?

Have you ever been Elite?

Are you waiting for the virtual reality game of "Leisure Suit Larry"?

Do you sometimes play computer games for more than three hours a day?

... more than six hours?

... whilst asleep/eating/in the bath?

Have you ever had more than thirty computer games at any one time?

... More than 100?

Do you get ever so upset if someone knocks you off the high score table?

Do you buy computer game hint magazines? (Cheat!)

Do you want to buy a Sega Megadrive? (Contact ICSF committee)

RPG Section:

Do you know what R.P.G. stands for?

Do you know what these are: PC, NPC, FRPG, GURPS, THAC0?

Do you own more than one RPG?

Do you own a d20?

Do you own more than 100 dice?

Do you own a d100?

Have you ever played an RPG by yourself because no one else turned up?

Have you ever LRPGed?

Have you ever used RPG as a sex substitute? (Does your character get more than you do?)

TV, Video, Films & Books:

Do you know all the words to Rocky Horror?

... the audience participation version?

Do you have a complete collection of Star Trek videos (not including ones taped off the telly)?

Are you now collecting Star Trek TNG?

When you were younger did you want to be a "Red Shirt"? (You know, those security guards in ST -- the ones who were the first to get shot.)

Did you want to be a Tracy brother and fly Thunderbird 2?

Do you watch Telly Addicts to improve your knowledge of television?

Do you get a friend to vet your sitcoms and only watch the ones he doesn't like?

Do you think that "It's a Knockout" should be repeated?

Have you read more than 5 Gor books? (Written by John Norman)

Have you read the Star Trek Technical Manual?

Do you often say "It's not as good as Tom Baker's Doctor Who"?

Have you read an entire Steve Jackson Fighting Fantasy book? (From cover to cover?)

Have you been on a TV quiz show (e.g., "Blockbusters," "University Challenge," "15 to 1")?

Have you read Paul Darrow's Blake's 7 novel?

Do you still have porn mags from your teens?

Did/do you have a crush on Carol Vorderman?

General Lifestyle?

Have you turned up to a party 2 hours before anyone else?

Have you held a party where no one turned up?

Have you wanted to hold a party but not had the courage?

Have you held a party where people didn't talk to you?

Have you worn a costume all day at a (sci fi) convention?

Have you spent an entire convention in the video room?

When joining a club, convention, or anything with membership do you ask for number six? Double oh seven? Forty-two? Sixty-nine? Six six six?

Have you ever photocopied parts of yourself? (Using enlarge?)

Have you ever written part of a Sad Bastard Test?

Would you describe yourself as a sad bastard?

... Has anyone else?

Do you use a tube map when you play Mornington Crescent?

Have you got a collection of stamps/stuffed dodos/porn mags?

Do you own a 1971 "Tell Me Why" annual?

Do you have more than 5 Blue Peter books?

Have you posted yourself mail to make yourself look popular?

Have you collected the whole alphabet in smarties tops?

Have you organized a con? Bonus for inviting yourself as G.O.H.

Did you ever buy a C5?

... Do you think the C5 was good?

Have you ever spotted trains? Planes? Buses? Collected ISBN numbers?

Have you ever left yourself a message on your own answerphone?

Are you a member of Octarine?

Sex, Drugs, and Rock'n'Roll

Have you ever done a purity test?

... and told everyone your score?

Have you done more than two? (And compared them?)

Have you written a purity test?

Do you have a complete collection of Marvel Swimsuit Editions?

Is innuendo as much of a sex life as you get?

Have you looked through chemistry text books for drug structures?

Can you draw the chemical structures for any drugs? (Not alcohol or caffeine)

Do you "only need one pint to get drunk"?

Have you gone to the pub immediately after donating blood?

Do you headbang to Bohemian Rhapsody?

Do you regularly quote '70s songs?

Do you sing along to ad jingles?

Have you the complete collection of Dire Straits albums?

... Do you listen to them?

Do you listen to your music collection in alphabetical order?

Have you more than three versions of the same song by the same artist?

Have you ever done something to deliberately lower your purity test score?

Have you hired a PI to track down a member of a pop group?

Do you have more than 1 Rolf Harris song?

Have you been on a "Club 18-30" holiday?

Do you catalogue your music collection using a spreadsheet?

Score Table

1-10 You are unreal! You are such a hoopy frood that you couldn't do a thing wrong.

11-20 Hey, don't worry about it, you are probably an ex-sci fi fan.

21-30 My score is in here. You are in the band between being too normal and too weird.

31-40 In a pub, if the barmaid has to decide between talking to you and talking to the accountant sipping something with an umbrella in it, the accountant wins.

41-50 This is Steve Brewster's range. He is the one with the anorak with five pockets, and an A-Z.

51-60 Urr, you beat Steve! Cor, wow!

61-70 People cross the street to avoid you.

71-80 Get with it. You have been practicing, haven't you?

81-90 Cheat! You go to ***CENSORED*** College, don't you?

91-111 Seek help now! You have SB Syndrome! This isn't contagious because no one will go near you.

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1-10	You are unreal! You are such a hoopy frood that you couldn't do a thing wrong.
11-20	Hey, don't worry about it, you are probably an ex-sci fi fan.
21-30	My score is in here. You are in the band between being too normal and too weird.
31-40	In a pub, if the barmaid has to decide between talking to you and talking to the accountant sipping something with an umbrella in it, the accountant wins.
41-50	This is Steve Brewster's range. He is the one with the anorak with five pockets, and an A-Z.
51-60	Urr, you beat Steve! Cor, wow!
61-70	People cross the street to avoid you.
71-80	Get with it. You have been practicing, haven't you?
81-90	Cheat! You go to *CENSORED* College, don't you?
91-111	Seek help now! You have SB Syndrome! This isn't contagious because no one will go near you.