Lets get on with more of the business: HOW TO WIN AN ARGUMENT I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer
clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they
don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these
rules: Drink Liquor. Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on
the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking
some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid
to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if
you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS
about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll
argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting
furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room. Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove
Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU
are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of
Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid."
Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the
revised tax base is $1,532.34 per annum, which is $794.24 before the mean
gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up,
too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for
the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say
this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your
soiled underwear in my bath house." Use meaningless but weightily-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-=E0-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "QED,"
"e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I
speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians
would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough
money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let
me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-=E0-vis Peruvians qua
Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they
do not have enough money per se, as it were. QED" Only a fool would challenge that statement. Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at
your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: You're begging the question. You're being defensive. Don't compare apples and oranges. What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians,
has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say : As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... Your opponents says : Lincoln died in 1865. You say : Your begging the question. OR You say : Liberians, like most Asians... Your opponents says : Liberia is in Africa. You say : You're being defensive. Compare your opponent to Adolph Hitler. This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right
and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That
sounds suspiciously like something Adolph Hitler might say" or "You
certainly do remind me of Adolph Hitler." So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull
any of this on people who generally carry weapons.