Lets get on with more of the business:

The Biggest Lies
How To Be Annoying
Famous Last Words

THE BIGGEST LIES

• The check is in the mail.
• I'll respect you in the morning.
• I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
• It's only a cold sore.
• You get this one, I'll pay next time.
• My wife doesn't understand me.
• Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
• Of course I love you.
• I am getting a divorce.
• Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
• I never inhaled.
• It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
• I never watch television except for PBS.
• ..but we can still be good friends.
• She means nothing to me.
• Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
• I gave at the office.
• Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
• I'll call you later.
• We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
• Read my lips: no new taxes
• I've never done anything like this before
• Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
• It's supposed to make that noise.
• I *love* your new {hat/haircut/dress/suit...}!
• ..then take a left. You can't miss it.
• Yes, I did.
• Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.

HOW TO BE ANNOYING

• Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
• Drum on every available surface.
• Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• Ask 0800 operators for dates.
• Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire copy warnings and Simon Bates "Whenever you rent or buy a video..." bits
• Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
• Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
• Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
• Set alarms for random times.
• Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
• Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
• Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
• Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
• Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
• Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
• Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
• Tape pieces of "The Grumbleweeds" over climactic parts of rental movies.
• Wear your trousers backwards.
• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
• Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
• Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode. (Please note: Dot Matrix printers only.)
• ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
• only type in lowercase.
• dont use any punctuation either
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Pay for your dinner with pennies.
• Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
• Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
• Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
• Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
• Light road flares on a birthday cake.
• Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
• Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
• Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
• Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
• At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
• When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
• Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
• Finish the 99 green bottles song.
• Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song.
• Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.
• Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
• Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
• Name your dog "Dog".
• Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
• Ask people what gender they are.
• Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
• Lick the filling out of all the jammy Dodgers, and place the biscuit parts back in the tray.
• Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
• Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "good one".
• Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Glade Air Freshener.
• Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
• Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
• Wear a LOT of cologne.
• Ask to "interface" with someone.
• Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
• Sing along at the opera.
• Mow your lawn with scissors.
• At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
• Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
• Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
• Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
• Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Hmmm Geoff Boycott?
• Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
• Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
• Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
• Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
• Never make eye contact.
• Never break eye contact.
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
• Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
• Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in an annoying John Motson or Jimmy Hill voice.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Make appointments for the 31st of September.
• Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
• Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

I think it said connect the brown wire to the negative terminal.

Just throw me that meat cleaver, would you?

Pick up those 32 empty lager cans, you lout!

No, darling! I'm sure they drive on the left over here in France.

Happy Ides of March, Brutus.

Actually, there's a knack to opening these supersonic aeroplane windows.

You sure this firework's dead?

I rather fancy this cheese with the green mould on it.

You will take a cheque, won't you cabbie?

Come outside and say that, Tyson.

Patchy fog? On this road! Don't make me la...

Fancy a quick snifter before we leave Saudi?

Of coursh I'm frit to dive.

Who's a nice sweet cooch-woochy little lion, then?

It says: Achtung! Minefield. That's German for 'Welcome to Munich' isn't it?

We'll be safe enough on this motorway if we just follow that travelling salesman's Sierra.

See a doctor? Just for a ruptured aorta and a couple of dozen black suppurating pustules?!

That's strange; you don't usually see many American planes over this part of Hiroshima, do you?

Whoops! Did I spill your scotch, McTavish?

These nuclear plants look lovely when they begin to glow like that, don't they?

Good Lord! It's not often a black cat causes you to break a mirror by crossing your path while you're walking under a ladder on Friday 13th, is it?

Humpty Dumpty may sound like the name of a plonker, but I know a safe wall when I see one.

The trick with a charging rhino is to stand perfectly still.

Two front berths on the Titanic please.

It's OK; the gay guy with the boils just lent me his hypodermic needle.

Give this juggernaut driver the 'V' sign while we're overtaking him, would you, darling?

Well, here we are on the world's largesd hydrogen airship: this call for a cigarette.

Coo-er! Wait until I tell the missus I crashed in to a car with a MAF-1 number plate!

Pass me a hanky; I'm going to wipe the foam off that dog's mouth.

So, this is Beirut.