Lets get on with more of the business:
You've Been On The Computer Too Long
Catspeak
Drinkers Problem Guide
Caffeine Addict's Quiz
YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TOO LONG
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the "else" clause.
You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /
When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number...
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.
When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
CATSPEAK
| Catspeak | English |
|---|---|
| Miaow | Feed me. |
| Meeow | Pet me. |
| Mrooww | I love you. |
| Miioo-oo-oo | I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up. |
| Mrow | I feel like making noise. |
| Rrrow-mawww | Please, the time has come to tidy the litter box |
| Rrrow-miawww | I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical. |
| Miaowmiaow | Play with me |
| Miaowmioaw | Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room? |
| Mioawmioaw | Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture |
| Raowwwww | I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy. |
| Mrowwwww | I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet. |
| Roww-maww-roww | I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen. |
| Gakk-ak-ak | My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting. |
| Mow | Snuggling is a good idea. |
| Moww | Shedding is pretty good too |
| Mowww! | I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly. |
| Miaow! Miaow! | I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate. |
| Mraakk! | Oh, small bird! Please come over here. |
| SsssRoww! | I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal. |
| Mmmrowmmm | It is certain that the best tasting fish is one you have caught yourself. |
| Mmmmmmm | If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied. |
| Mreoaw | Please ask room service to send up another can of tuna fish. |
| Mreeeow | Do you serve catnip with that? |
| Mroow | I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How am I doing? |
| Miaooww! Mriaow! | Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue. |
DRINKERS PROBLEM GUIDE
| Symptom | Probable Cause | Solution |
|---|---|---|
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front wet | Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face | Take a six-pack and practice in front of mirror until drinking technique is perfect |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer unusually pale | Glass empty | Find someone who'll buy you another beer |
| Feet cold and wet | Glass being held at incorrect angle | Hold glass such that open end points toward ceiling |
| Feet warm and wet | Loss of self control | Move to nearest dog. After a few minutes, complain loudly about its lack of training; demand beer in compensation |
| Bar hazy and out of focus | You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass | Find someone who'll buy you another beer |
| Bar swaying | Unusually high air turbulance, perhaps due to darts match | Insert broom handle down back of shirt |
| Bar moving | You are being carried out | Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly thatyou are being hijacked |
| You notice that the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles and has a flourescent strip across it | You have fallen over backwards | If no one is standing on your drinking arm and your beer is full, stay put. Otherwise, have someone help you up and lash yourself to the bar |
| Everything has become dim. Your nose & lips are bleeding | You have fallen over forwards | Same as for falling over backwards |
| You wake to find your bed hard, cold, and wet. You can't seem to find your bedroom walls or ceiling | You have spent the night in the gutter | Check to see if it is opening time. If it isn't, treat yourself to a lie in. |
| Everything has gone dark and quiet | The bar is closing | PANIC!!!! |
CAFFEINE ADDICT'S QUIZ
Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.
Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
Have you ever drunk cold coffee? Right out of the pot?
Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b)
...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate
blood-flow?
Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee helmet is a hat with coffee cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?
Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?
Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into your heart?
Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
a)
...in more than five?
b) ...in your bathroom?
Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
a) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
b) ...and it's
bad for the environment?
Do you grind your own coffee?
Do you grow your own coffee?
Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?
Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
Is sleep a hobby of yours?
a) ...that you don't like?
b)
...because it's too frustrating?