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Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife
The Worlds Coolest Guy

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The twenty fifth is the Super Bowl."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

"Got milk?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."

"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."

"Keys are on the fridge, honey. I'll see you at the hospital at half-time."

"Sure, the doctor said you're eating for two - but he didn't mean two orcas."

"Honey -- Come show the guys your Brando impression!"

"What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."

"Hey, when you're finished pukin' in there, get me a beer, willya?"

"Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?"

"That's not a bun in the oven -- it's the whole friggin' bakery!"

"You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive."

"Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support."

"Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!"

"No, I don't know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?"

THE WORLDS COOLEST GUY

He Must:

Laugh a lot

Read the newspaper

Care about something

Like the way I look in sweatpants

Sing along with the radio...LOUDLY

Know that I sing along with the radio...LOUDLY

Know how to dance

Never forget that there's a "friend" in "boyfriend"

Know that "hearing" and "listening" are two different things

Be secure enough not to envy my teddy bear

Smile with his eyes

Wear a watch

Have strong hands

Think that beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Have an opinion

Own at least one classical CD

Have close friends

Know how many people are in Congress

Think Pamela Anderson is "too thin"

Eat ice cream cones

Give good back rubs...

...and like to get them

Love his mother

Vote

Think that Mickey Mouse is a pretty cool guy

Love to hear me laugh

Make mistakes

Give great hugs

Take the road less traveled

Doodle

Be proud of my successes...

...and know that I am proud of his

DREAM!!

Wear sweaters

Know at least one poem by heart

Know how to pitch a tent

Know how to pitch a baseball

Be able to sew on a button

Remember the name of my teddy bear

Like to buy flowers...

...and to get them

Put up with me

Believe in magic

Believe in love

Know how to make chocolate chip cookies

Talk to himself

Think that love is forever

Read the editorial page

Know how to say "I'm sorry"

Know that no guy could ever be all of these things, but be willing to give it a try