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The Points System For Men

THE POINTS SYSTEM FOR MEN

Men, want to know where you stand in the rough and tumble, give and take world of relationships? Here's your scorecard from the Men's Journal of Health. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something expects, sorry, that's the way the game is played..............

Simple Duties

You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car.. +1

You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station..-1

You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb..+1

You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls..-1

You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.. +1

You leave them under the bed.. -5

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with ..+5 But return with beer..-5

You leave the toilet seat up.. -1

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1

When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next ..-2

You make the bed.. +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1

You check out a suspicious noise at night..0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5

You pummel it with a six iron..+10

It's her father..-10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party..0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2

Named Tiffany..-4

Tiffany is a dancer..-6

Tiffany has implants..-8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her..+1

When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump..-5

When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive you"..+1

When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's pretty, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"..-6

That woman is her sister..-90

You have one drink, and that's it..0

You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle..-2

You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted..-18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

You unclog a stopped-up toilet..+6

You clean up cat, dog or human vomit..+7

You get rid of a dead rodent..+8

You remove the collie from the thresher..+12

You take her mother to see Cats..+16

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together..+3

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car..+4

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a bar..-2

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it..+3

You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional..0

You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk..+3

Most of it chips and beer..-6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den..+15

Or refinishing the floors..+16

Or rewiring the basement..+17

Or adding a second floor..+18

Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket..-6

And you're tickled pink about it..-15

You visit her parents..+1

You visit her parents and actually make conversation..+3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television..-3

And the television is off..-6

You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear..-6

And you didn't even go to college..-10

And it's not your underwear..-15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner..0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..+1

Okay, it is a sports bar..-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted colors of your favorite team..-10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player..+3

You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing..+4

And you stink..+2

And you're not half bad..+5

You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause..-2

You give her a gift..0

You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance..-10

You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance..+1

You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate..+2

You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months..+30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day..-10

With her credit card..-30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big..-40

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely..-10

You forget your anniversary..-20

You forget to pick her up at the bus station..-25

Which is in Newark, New Jersey..-35

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast..-50

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal..-5

And the pal is happily married..-4

Or frighteningly single..-7

And he drives a Trans Am..-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..-15

You have a few beers..-9

And miss curfew by an hour..-12

You get home at 3 am..-20

You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars..-30

And not wearing any pants..-40

Is that a tattoo???..-200

Her Night Out

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying co-workers..+5

She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late..+10

You wait up..+15

She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed..+20

She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom..+25

Which you clean up..+35

A Night At Home

You watch TV together..0

You rent a movie..+1

You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..+3

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..+5

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep..-1

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool..-2

A Night Out

You take her to a movie..+2

You take her to a movie she likes..+4

You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)..+6

You take her to a movie you like..-2

It's called DeathCop 3..-7

Which features cyborgs having sex..-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs..-15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it's expected..0

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it..+5

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself..+10

And she contracts Lyme disease..-25

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15

You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it..+10

You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..-5

Grooming

You trim your nails..+5

You trim your nails in the living room..-10

You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..-15

You shave on the weekends..+2

You don't shave on the weekends..-4

You don't bathe on the weekends either..-8

But then, neither does she..+8

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical..-5

Something she can't use..-10

Such as a motorized model airplane..-20

And your kid needs braces..-30

In fact, all four of the kids need braces..-120

Driving

You lose the directions on a trip..-4

You lose the directions and end up getting lost..-10

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..-15

You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal..-25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt..-60

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?"..-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)

You hesitate in responding..-10

You reply, "Where?"..-25

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression..0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5

You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV..+10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-10