Kids On Proverbs
How To Identify Professors

KIDS ON PROVERBS

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:

Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Mathematics.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.

The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.

HOW TO IDENTIFY PROFESSORS

Chemistry Professor

Wears a white lab coat. This may actually be clean but does not have to be. Physical chemistry professors have a brand new coat that has never been in the lab; polymer chemistry professors have strange glop on their coat, and introduction chemistry professors have acid holes.

Physics Professor

Wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt. May sometimes forget to wear shirt altogether. If a professor is wearing blue jeans and suspenders, ten to one he is a physicist. Physics professors often have German accents, but this is not a distingushing characteristic. Be wary of psychologists with fake Viennese accents which can sound similar to the unwary.

Biology Professor

Sometimes wears a lab coat, though usually this is the sign of a biochemist. Marine biologists walk around in hip boots for no explainable reason, even in the middle of winter. They are apt to wear grey slacks and smell like fish, as opposed to most biologists, who smell strongly of formalin. Microbiology instructors go around in spotless white coats, refuse to drink beer on tap, and wipe all their silverware before using it. Never loan money to a bio prof, no matter how much he asks.

Psychology Professor

Psychologists are not real scientists, and can be easily identified by their screams of protest whenever anyone questions whether psychology is a science. Psychology people have beady little eyes and don't laugh at jokes about psychology. If you are not sure whether a person is a scientist or a comparative religion instructor, he is probably a psychologist.

Computer Science Professor

Most computer science professorss are from India or Pakistan. You can tell by the gestures and accents. This is not a bad thing, though many of the American computer science professors tend to pick up Indian accents which confounds more specific identification. Like mushrooms, computer science students only come out at night, and, if not Indian, tend to take on a pasty appearance. Computer science professors do not use computers and therefore can be easily identified by their comparative good health with respect to their students. Many computer science professors do not even know how to use computers, and are actually mathematicians or psychologists in disguise. Avoid these people.

Mathematics Professor

Mathematics professors are like physics professors except without any practical bent. A mathematics professor will have only books and pencils in his office, as opposed to the piles of broken equipment that physicists keep. Mathematicians scorn the use of computers and calculators and often have difficulty splitting bills in restaurants. The easy way to identify a mathematician is by the common use of the phrases "It can be shown that..." and "Is left as an exercise to the student..."