Hotel Rules And Regulations

HOTEL RULES AND REGULATIONS

We welcome you to the Hotel Cleveland, finest lodgings found in a one block area. Please steal our towels, we need the advertising. Oh, and don't eat the chocolate on the pillow, its been stuck there for months.

Checkout time is whenever we feel like kicking you out, so keep your bags packed and ready to go.

Tipping is not only expected, but demanded. If you attempt to enter the room without tipping the bellhop, you may find your bed short-sheeted and your bags on their way to Pittsburgh.

Did you know that cockroaches are actually beneficial creatures? We have determined that about three hundred roaches can clean a rug of debris more energy efficiently than a maid with a vacuum cleaner. Please be sure to turn on a light before walking around the room at night, as we wouldn't want to squish any of our helpful little friends.

You are expected to bring your own sheets and pillowcases. The items on the bed are for display only. If used, you will be charged a small two hundred percent fee, which will be add to your hotel bill. (Note: If you do use the display sheets and pillows, you are expected to wash them as well. Failure to do so will result in having a videotape of your activities in this room played in the lounge.)

George Washington slept here.

Do not attempt to adjust the thermostat. It is precisely tuned to match the outdoor temperature within a tolerance of half a degree. If you even touch the dial, the heat will either go up to one hundred degrees or down to thirty two degrees, depending on the season, of course.

The fuzzy balls under the bed are supposed to move!

The Management is not responsible. For anything. Period.

Please note that the small hole in the bathroom wall is designed to maximize ventilation. Do not cover this hole, as it will block our view.

We have designed the bathroom sink to help you sleep, with its soothing, metronome-like dripping sound. Enjoy.

Don't look under the couch.

Bringing pets into this room is strictly prohibited. Cats and dogs have been known to eat the mice that live here.

Don't eat the fuzzy grapes. We recommend that you do not stick your head out of the window, as you may be struck by falling guests.

The famous carpet layers, Al Frank and Isabelle Stein laid the carpet in your room. We are proud to be a showcase for Frank-N-Stein Carpets.

For a small fee, a tape of George Washington's activities in this room is available for your viewing pleasure in the lounge. Wait till you see what happens when he takes out those false teeth!

Don't spill wine on the carpet. Failure to abide by this rule will result in the immediate revocation of your passport and citizenship, and you will be required to paint yourself blue. Then Frank-N-Stein will get you.

The kitchen is for looks only. Do not attempt to actually cook anything as this will result in another fire.

Do not attempt to test whether the light in the refrigerator goes out when you close the door by climbing inside. We have left the last guest in there as a reminder. Complimentary beverages may be found in the crisper since space is limited.

We hope you enjoy your stay in our hotel. Now give us your money. All of it. Nobody moves and nobody gets hurt.

That's it now... OK, have a nice day.