Bathing Like A Woman
The Girlies Prayer
If Women Swapped Genitals With Men

BATHING LIKE A WOMAN

Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below thirty three degrees.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/ husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bathroom.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

Turn on the hot water only.

Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.

Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with sixty six added vitamins.

Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with sixty six added vitamins.

Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with sixty six added vitamins.

Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and, anyway, the hair helps keep you warm.

Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.

Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet, and you get a rush of scalding water.

Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Check entire head for gray hairs. Attack both with nails/tweezers if found.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/ husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom.

THE GIRLIES PRAYER

Our Marks which art with Spencer

Hallowed be thy foodhall

Thy Gucci watch

Thy Kookai bag

In Hermes as it is in Harrods

Give us this day our visa Gold and forgive us our overdrafts

As we forgive those who stop our Next card And lead us not into Dorothy Perkins

And deliver us from Topshop

For thine is the Naff Naff, the Cartier and the Versace

For Gaultier and Eternity

AMEX

IF WOMEN SWAPPED GENITALS WITH MEN

The things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

Get ahead faster in corporate America.

Get head.

Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

Touch or shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.

Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

Try to get that thing to vibrate as well.

Determine the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his unit that always adds two inches to the final measurement.

Get head.