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The Rules
Types Of Girlfriend

THE RULES

The Rules (*) .

For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.

The female always makes the rules.

These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No male can possibly know all the rules.

If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

The female is never wrong.

If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.

If the previous rule applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.

The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.

Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

The female always gets the last word!

(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are null and void under the PMS Exception Law

TYPES OF GIRLFRIEND

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages - Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages - May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages - Pays attention to you
Disadvantages - Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages - Predictable
Disadvantages - Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages - Often right
Disadvantages - Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair colour?"
Also known as The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages - Easily soothed
Disadvantages - Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages - More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages - Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages - Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages - You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also known as The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages - Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages - Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages - Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages - Will have nothing to do with you