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Space. The final front ear. These are the voyages of the Star Ship Apocalypse. Her ongoing mission, to seek out decent life, with a brain would be nice, cos I'm f**ked if there's any on this shi... uh.. I mean to seek out new life and new civilisation, to boldly go where no one has gone before.

Starring:

Eicca. Toppinen - captain of R.s.S Apocalypse
Perttu Kivilaakso, lieutenant - navigator and later promoted to chief engineer.
Paavo Lötjönen, lieutenant - communications and ops.
Ma'X - leader of the Liljians from the planet Yksi.
0^0 - Vulcan science officer and number 1.

Also starring J.A. Hetfield - Admiral of Rockstar Fleet.

Captains Log Stardate 2342.7

We are en route to Yksi, the home planet of a barbaric but advanced race called the Liljians. Unfortunately, their planet is situated in between a small black hole and Klingon space. We are anxious to get the Liljians into Rockstar Fleet because of these reasons. Luckily, they are advanced enough for us to forgo the Prime Directive - although, only just.

However, we now have three Klingon war-birds on our tail, wanting to blow us into atoms and the gravitational pull of the black hole isn't helping our situation.

To acerbate matters, Admiral Hetfield of Rockstar Fleet has requested that I take part in an urgent mission. My crew's ability to play cello is coming in handy, it seems, because a race of people only known as Fanz, are trying to overtake Rockstar Fleet and only respond to music known as 'A-bb-A'.

They have accused Rockstar Fleet of ignoring their contribution to mankind and are on the war-path. I have been called, despite my other problems, to soothe the savage beasts. Because of this mission, the only way I can help is to send transmissions of our music, via subspace, every 12 hours.

***

Captains Log Stardate 2576.9

My first officer, a Vulcan only known as 0^0, still maintains that there are Klingons on my starboard bow, but I keep telling him I wiped.

Lieutenant Lötjönen is keeping communications open with the Liljians of the planet Yksi but they seem hostile. I am to meet with their leader later today.

In the meantime, navigator, Lieutenant Kivilaakso, is trying to work out a way to get us out of the black hole we are flying into. He has been muttering about killing CE'lLo under his breath. I'm not sure why. We made peace with the CE'lLo a while back.... oh.... my mistake... he meant cellos.

I've ordered all on-board stringed instruments locked up out of his way. However, last time he got like this, we had to throw him in the brig. No cello was safe.

I've been working very hard this week. Rockstar Fleet tells me I should send another transmission of music as soon as possible, but how can I work on this solo when I've got my cello locked in maximum security and Klingons and black holes in my face? I say wipe out one with an enema and fill the other with a fist.

Captain's Log Additional.

How the vitussa do you say 0^0, anyway?

***

Captains Log Stardate 2439.9

We still haven't lost the Klingons, but the Liljian leader has come aboard. He's a mean looking mutha from outer-space and I'm suddenly in the wrong story line. I keep expecting him to be a huge man eating plant. He is called Ma'X and speaks a monosyllabic language that only Lötjönen seems to understand.

Although bad mannered and foul tempered, he and Lötjönen did come up with a good plan to get rid of the Klingons. Apparently my enema idea wasn't so far from the truth. Using the tractor beam on reverse, we pumped millions of gallons of soapy water into space. This immediately turned to balls of ice and for some reason their shields dropped at the onslaught.

We were able to fight them off with the futon torpedoes. I think the sight of several mattresses hurtling towards them at warp 9 might have had something to do with it. Kudos to Lötjönen for thinking of the idea, although everyone on board is now sleeping on the floor.

Kivilaakso is starting to look jumpy. His race get out of control if they aren't allowed to commit a violent act on innocent cellos at least once a week. To mollify him, we sacrificed a viola to his temper. It wasn't quite the same, but at least he's stopped biting his computer terminal.

Captain's Log Additional

Still not worked out how to pronounce 0^0. I've given up trying. The Vulcan will have to put up with being called 'hey you!'

***

Captains Log Stardate 2185.2

Kivilaakso maintains that the head of Rockstar Fleet must receive his transmission by the end of the day. Someone lost the key to the maximum security locker and now we have no cellos to play. Lötjönen found several kazoos, but I'm not sure a kazoo solo would soothe the Fanz of the savage A-bb-A.

I have a headache. I keep calling sick bay for a headache pill, but there's no answer. I must investigate.

Kivilaakso invited me to dinner tonight. I'm really not into recycled pizza, but it's either that or the state banquet being held down on Yksi. They only seem to eat smoked fish. Can things get any worse?

Captain's Log additional.

There's a reason why 0^0 wears those dark glasses all the time. During Kivilaakso's viola killing yesterday, he was hit by a flying bow and the glasses fell off. I didn't know Vulcans could do that with their eyes! The damage to the bridge is nearly repaired and I've told 0^0 that he must strap the bloody things to his head otherwise I'll be sticking him in the torpedo section to use as an offensive weapon! If I had my way, I'd have him wearing a full face mask, but he glared at me. You don't want 0^0 glaring at you - glasses or no.

I suspect that 0^0 is not what he seems. Don't Vulcans have pointed ears and no feelings? Must ask Admiral Hetfield - when he's stopped sending me rude subspace transmissions. I thought he was supposed to be better tempered these days?

***

Captains log Stardate 2257.3

I went to the banquet last night. I sat beside Ma'X and he kept touching my knee. Must be a custom among his people. I didn't want to push his hand away, because he might kill me and eat me.

They like killing and eating. They like guns too. They also like killing the Fanz of savage A-bb-A. I've invited him aboard to watch how we deal with Fanz in Rockstar Fleet.

Lötjönen accompanied me down to the planet and seemed to find something very amusing. Perhaps I am supposed to push Ma'X's hand away after all?

He didn't eat me. When I remarked on this to Lötjönen. He snickered and said 'not yet'. I really hate it when he sniggers.

Why do I have the feeling he knows something I don't know?

The food machine blew a fuse when Kivilaakso asked it to make pepperoni, cheese and tuna pizzas and made 400,000 of the f**kers.

I hope Ma'X likes pizza. I think I'll give him all the tuna ones.

I'm late for another transmission, but I've not had time to work on music and it's very difficult to get into my room when there are plates of pizza all over the floor. We can't dispose of them, however, because the food machines refuse to make anything else and this is all we have until our next supply stop.

I keep finding flowers outside my door. I must have a secret admirer.

We still can't find the key. There are no stringed instruments to be found outside the maximum security locker and Kivilaakso bit me today. I think he's starting to get a little jumpy again, due to the inadequate viola killing. Must be Pon-Celo-Farr time for him. Apparently this is some bizarre mating ritual of his people that he must do every week or die. His navigating skills are useless to me now. I might send him down into the engine rooms. At least he won't bite chunks out of my chair. I like my chair.

All the crew are practising with kazoos ready for the next transmission. Somehow, my beautiful music doesn't sound quite the same. I still have a headache.

***

Captains log... uh.. do I care anymore?

Kivilaakso spent the entire day complaining his skirt was far too short. I told him he should be wearing pants like all the other male members of the crew. However, he looks kind of sweet in the eye-liner. Not sure about the bouffant hairstyle and the big earrings though.

There seem to be fewer pizzas. I'm not tripping over them on the bridge today. Lötjönen and Ma'x keep groaning and holding their stomachs. I suspect they've been eating them.

Still no reply from Sick bay and I think I now have hayfever. My cabin smells like a florist.

Rockstar Fleet received the transmission of Kazoo music and it seemed to send the Fanz into even more of a frenzy. We've been dispatched to deal with them once and for all. This means Ma'X has to come with us as part of his observation.

Kivilaakso finally found the key to the maximum security locker. He went on a rampage and killed seven cellos and a trumpet before security could stop him.

Ma'X keeps smiling at me. This is definitely worrying. His teeth look sharp.

***

Captains log Stardate 3856.6

0^0 went missing last night. We finally extracted him from a holo-program involving Orion Slave women. I've reprimanded the Ferengi barman, Axl for selling him such a trashy program and I've confiscated it for safekeeping. I'll check it... uh... I mean... destroy it later...

I didn't think Vulcans did such things. I'm getting more concerned about 0^0 at every moment but I don't want to make him too suspicious.

Kivilaakso insists on using Morse code, beaten with cello bows on the control panel to send out messages. I keep telling him sound waves don't travel through space, but he snarled, 'who's the mo-fo-ing expert here, Barbie-face'. I think perhaps I should sell him to the Liljians as raw meat. Where has the discipline gone on this ship?

I still can't get a reply from sick bay and I desperately need medicine for my hayfever. I sneezed 53 times in a row today. The cleaning crew keep complaining about the mess on the view-screen and Lötjönen is not happy about sitting in front of me.

0^0 tells me that Vulcan pleasure needles on my chair will help. In an attempt to placate his threatening looks, I have agreed to try them out.
***

Captains log etc etc.

I decided that Lötjönen would be better off taking over in engineering. His annoyance with my sneezing manifested when he finally lost his temper, turned green and tried ripping Kivilaakso's facial hair from his chin, all the while screaming about hamsters.
He can take over from Spotty, who is getting old and fat and is retiring. They have a lot in common. Lötjönen too, mumbles a lot about not being able to take it any more. However, I think he's probably talking about hamsters rather than the engines.

We seem to have run out of pizza already but Lötjönen says he will fix the food machines. I'm not sure I trust him with them and have asked Ma'X to see what he can do. Am I mad, leaving this pair in charge of the ship's delicate systems? Oh well, beggars can't be choosers and I'm running out of options.

I still can't get this solo finished and Admiral Hetfield's messages have graduated from merely rude to obscene.

We are still in search of the Fanz. Apparently, their ship is easy to recognise. It's round and glittery. Fanz, according to Rockstar Fleet's expert, seem to wear mostly white and wear strange blue powder around their eyes. Should be easy to spot in a crowd, then.

I have put the crew on alert and issued standard emergency scare-cushions. Just a note of procedure in case of scary emergency.

1. take cushion from sofa
2. hide face in cushion (this usually works with Borg or Daleks)
3. hope everything goes away.

I wonder if the Vulcan pleasure needles have something to do with the pain in my ass. They certainly aren't helping with my hay-fever and the flowers are spilling out into the corridors.

I wish my secret admirer would stop giving me these things.

***

Captains log: Stardate... lots of meaningless numbers. Who invented this system anyway?

The Liljian leader wants to join Rock Fleet and train as a captain. I'm not happy about this. He keeps licking his lips when he looks at me. I'm pretty sure that the Liljian way of promotion is to eat the one whose place you want to take. He did fix the food machines but now all we can get out of them is raw fish. This is definitely not a good thing. I think I preferred the pizza.

I've asked Lötjönen to talk to Ma'X but all I can get out of him these days is 'mrmbmrmmbmrmm' and all I see of him is a pair of feet. The rest of him is underneath the shuttlecraft and he keeps asking for a monkey wrench. What is a monkey wrench?

Someone tell me why these things are called pleasure needles? I keep seeing 0^0 with the strangest look on his face. I get the feeling he is trying not to laugh.

On a personal note, my nose is now bright red and I'm still sneezing. I should inform Rockstar Fleet they should put pockets in the uniforms for standard issue handkerchiefs.

Today we caught up with the Fanz. Their ship was detected... well, actually, it wasn't detected - it lit up the whole quadrant. We headed towards it at warp 8 and opened hailing frequencies.

Remind me to stop Kivilaakso from opening hailing frequencies just as I sit down without thinking. The yell could be heard all over the galaxy. I think those pleasure needles are getting to me but I don't want to offend 0^0. He might take his glasses off and the repair crew haven't recovered from the last time that happened.

Where was I? This sneezing is making my brain hurt. Ah yes... Fanz.

We played some of our music at them but they fired a strange ray back at us. I can't quite work out why Kivilaakso and Ma'X are doing the can-can around the bridge. Must be the effect of the ray. I ordered us out of there so we can rethink our strategy.

Note to self; order Kivilaakso to wear trousers.

***

Captains log: stardate... 21 point something or other.

Lötjönen continues to work on the shuttlecraft, despite the fact that the ships engines are falling apart. When I asked for warp one today, I could have sworn I heard a clanking sound.

Going to the shuttle bay, I asked Lötjönen what he was doing and he replied that he was still looking for a monkey wrench.

I don't know what a monkey wrench is, so I offered him Kivilaakso, who just sometimes acts like a monkey. It was possibly the most sense I've had out of Lötjönen all month. He went green, started screaming about hamsters again and I had to have him taken to sick bay to be sedated. I understood the bit about hamsters though.

I don't think Lötjönen is chief engineer material.

Ma'X keeps leering at me and looking at my nose. Are sore, red noses a delicacy on Lilja? I think I have to find out very soon. He makes me nervous.

After Lötjönen calmed down, we made a plan of how to deal with the Fanz. I have to get on my tractor beam and tow them back to Rockstar Fleet. I went to the shuttle bay and started up the tractor, but there was a clanking sound from that too. Seems Lötjönen has been using the engine as spare parts for the shuttle craft.

And we've ran out of mattresses, so we can't even futon them out of space.

Today, Ma'X asked me about black holes. I gave him a lecture about quantum physics, but he kept giving me funny looks, then he pinched my ass. (which hurt more than the pleasure needles!)

I hate my job.

***

Captains log. Stardate 3427.4

Ma'X is still giving me funny looks. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but if he makes one more remark about my black hole, I'm going to hit him with my cello.

Rockstar Fleet is still asking for my work. I've hardly had time with all the chaos going on around here. I contemplated recording the various sounds that Ma'X's body made after eating all those smoked fish last night, and sending it to Admiral Hetfield as art. Somehow I don't think he will be impressed.

Sacrificed another cello to Kivilaakso's strange appetites. He's stopped gnawing on the furniture in the ready room. I am relieved. My desk looks very strange with teeth marks on it. If Admiral Hetfield asks what the marks are, I'll tell him we were invaded by sabre-toothed, chomping Fanz. He might even believe me.

I asked 0^0 to dispose of the flowers. He ate them. Why didn't I think of that? It's better than fish.

***
Captains log Stardate - who cares. Not me. Everything else is falling apart, why bother with stardates.

0^0 was found in my cabin today, rifling through my underwear drawers. When questioned, he said, stiffly, that he could not tell a lie and had run out of underwear. He asked if he could borrow some of mine. He looks quite fetching in the black satin lace.

I've noticed that the holodeck program I confiscated from 0^0 is missing, which is a shame, because I wanted to ... uh... destroy it today.

The hayfever is much better since 0^0 ate the flowers. This means I can stop using the pleasure needles on my chair.

Remarkably enough, the minute I did, the pain in my ass stopped too.

Ma'X has taken to knocking on my door in the middle of the night. I now lock it. I'm not sure I trust his intentions. We are now out of fish and I might look like dinner.

When I told Kivilaakso this, he collapsed into gales of laughter and rolled around the floor for several minutes.

I wish he'd wear underwear under his skirt. I lent him some of mine.

***

Captains log. Vittu tätä tähtivuorokausijuttua... I wanna go home! What's wrong with good, old fashioned December?

0^0 has gone missing again. I surmise he is back in holodeck 3 after Lötjönen informed me that he had stolen the holodeck program. How did he know I was keeping it in my underwear drawer?

Kivilaakso has taken my Vulcan pleasure needles for his own use. Shame. I've kind of grown used to them. I last saw him dragging three cellos and a viola back to his cabin, pleasure needles in hand.

I worry about that boy.

On another subject, we are now left with only 40,000 cartons of yaks milk.

Rockstar Fleet sent me another rude message. I sent one back. I hope Admiral Hetfield doesn't have his universal translator plugged in when he gets it. The Fanz have declared war on them. They need me and the space enema idea. The Fanz can minun puolestani painua vittuun!

Captains log supplemental. The crew is revolting. The Liljians are revolting too, but only because they don't bathe so often.

***

Captains log: Xmas day, 2341

Found out that 0^0 is not a Vulcan after all. I caught him in the holodeck dancing to the Evil Abba and wearing white satin. No wonder we couldn't defeat the Fanz. We had a spy in our midst all the time. Have placed the Evil 0^0 in the brig and have ordered that he listen to nothing but cellos for the next week. That'll teach him a lesson.

Someone left the key to the maximum security locker and now all the cellos have disappeared. Kivilaakso won't come out of his room and Lötjönen is trying to phaser his way through the door, but we keep hearing the sound of wood splintering. Even worse, he keeps humming Abba songs. I think 0^0 assimilated him.

Ma'X decided that I was going to be his mate today. I found out that female Liljians develop red noses when they are in heat. This is a case of mistaken identity.

I tried explaining about gender but Ma'X wouldn't listen. I'm sure he'll understand once my nose returns to its normal colour, but I am now locked in my cabin, being forced to wear a white dress and a veil.

Actually, I look good in it.

He let me keep the black satin underwear too. Am rethinking life on Lilja.

Lötjönen and Kivilaakso mutinied, freed 0^0 and ate all the cellos whilst singing 'Fernando'. For all I care they can have the ship. I quit. Admiral Hetfield can take his messages and stick them up his jefferies tube.

***

Captain 0^0's log. First entry. Stardate: 5927.2

I renamed the ship today. It is now the R.s.S. Dancing Queen.

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END