***

The guys had had a taxing few months. First, there was the problem with the Evil Max - or was it the Evil Eicca? (No one was quite sure) then the episode with the Incredible Paavo. They were looking forward to some nice quiet time in the recording studio.

Still, it was hard. Things hadn't been quite the same since the Paavo incident. He still refused to go into green rooms and kept asking Perttu to shave his chin hair off. Perttu was most perturbed to see Paavo eyeing him, whilst holding a razor, at one very scary point.

"It is not a hamster - it is not a hamster... not a hamster..." Paavo kept muttering, every time Perttu went near him.

At least Eicca had given up on the idea of arranging 'Dancing Queen' for four cellos - much to everyone's relief.

Everything was fine in the Apo world.

Almost everything...

Eicca was happy. It was his birthday and he was trying not to listen to Paavo and Perttu's plans to surprise him with a cake. He even tried to look surprised when Antero arrived unexpectedly - looking cool, as usual - in his dark glasses.

He tried not to hear the guys whispering, huddled in a corner. He tried not to watch as Paavo and Antero sent Perttu out of the room. He knew Perttu would come back with a large cake with 28 candles on it.

They had done it the year before - and the year before that. They were nothing if not predictable.

But what he couldn't have predicted was what happened next...

***
He watched, almost in slow motion as Perttu came through the door holding his cake high. He saw the pick up wire, trailing across the floor and thought about yelling a warning, but it was too late.

Perttu tripped over the wire, slipped. The cake went flying up into the air, making a graceful arc as it tumbled, end over end, up - then down.

Meanwhile, Perttu went flying into a cello stand - his own. His old, good cello started to fall. Paavo yelped, grabbed for the instrument and Perttu went careening into Paavo. Together, they slid across the floor - men and cello, straight into Antero, who reached out to save himself from falling.

Unfortunately, he grabbed for Eicca, who, unprepared, fell off his chair, bringing Antero with him, They landed on Perttu and Paavo (and Perttu's cello)

Then the laws of gravity finally caught up with the cake. It landed. Splat!

... on Eicca's head.

There was a long silence.

"Um... Happy Birthday, Eicca," Perttu said finally.

Another long silence, while Eicca wiped sponge, cream and pink icing from his face.

"Uh... hope you like the cake," Paavo muttered, trying to extricate himself from the remains of Perttu's cello. He had a G string wrapped around his neck. (what it was doing there, I don't know, but maybe we shouldn't ask Paavo about his underwear preferences?)

Eicca sighed.

"Don't... I mean DON'T EVER let Perttu carry a cake into a room EVER again," he said at last.

All four men got up and started cleaning cake off themselves.

Then Perttu noticed the damage he had caused. A great Perttu-like wail filled the studio.

"My celloooooo," he wept, going onto his knees and cradling the remains in his arms.

Everyone stood around, looking uncomfortable.

"Never mind," Antero said at last. "You can always get another from Eicca's cello farm.

***

"Put him down!" Eicca ordered, still trying to wipe sticky icing out of his eyes.

"He said I can get a new cello!" Perttu said, pouting furiously. He still held Antero up against the wall and poor Antero was starting to go blue in the face and looking very un-cool.

"So you can."

"So you grow cheap, nasty cellos. I don't want one. I want 'my' cello," Perttu snarled.

"He kills cellos all the time." Paavo wiped his glasses. "So why is he pissed now?"

Finally, Perttu let Antero drop. He hugged himself and looked very upset. His lip trembled. "Haven't you ever lost something precious?" he asked.

"Well... yeah.. but it's a piece of wood... even I can see that - sure it was an old piece of wood and cost a lot, but... really. You're acting as if you were in love with it," Paavo said in disgust.

Perttu went red, muttered something rude under his breath and flounced out of the room.

The remaining three looked at each other.

"I worry about that boy," Antero said at last, putting on his glasses and regaining his cool.

Eicca looked down at the cake infested floor, picked up the remains of Perttu's cello and examined it. "It's dead," he said, "well and truly dead. Rigor mortis has set in. It's only good for album covers now."

"Shall we hold a funeral?" Antero asked.

"Can I bring flowers?" Paavo asked.

"Shall I make another cake?"

Eicca stared at Antero. "Another cake? Did you make that last one?" he motioned around the room at the remains of the birthday cake.

Antero went red. "Um... yes."

"Well, well, well... Antero has hidden depths." Eicca grinned.

"Oh shut up," Antero muttered, and, like Perttu, flounced out of the room.

Eicca shook his head. "Just when you think you know a guy..." he started.

"He makes very nice cakes," Paavo argued.

"I'm sure... shame I didn't get to taste it." Eicca sighed, picked up his cello and played the first few bars of 'Money, Money, Money'. "So much for a happy birthday," he lamented.

Paavo's eyes widened. He clapped his hands over his ears. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ABBBBBBAAAAAAAAAA" came his scream.

Then he, too, flounced out of the room.

Eicca grinned to himself and shook his head. Abba loathing, cake making, cello love. He was so glad he wasn't as crazy as his band-mates.

--------

(meanwhile)

An Evil voice gave instructions to his new, only slightly less Evil, sidekick.

"Take this to Eicca. Make him drink it somehow. When he is under my spell, I will have domination! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Max sighed in admiration. He wished he could be that Evil.

***

Eicca blinked when he saw who his visitor was.

"Hei." Max said with a wide smile. "I thought I'd wish you a happy birthday and give you a gift." He handed over a single bottle of beer.

"Um... well.. that's um... nice." Eicca wasn't too sure what to make of this gift.

"You're welcome." Max waited. They looked at each other.

"What?" Eicca asked at last, unnerved.

"Aren't you going to drink it?" Max folded his arms and looked as if he was settling down for the night.

"What? Right here, on the doorstep?" Eicca frowned. Max got stranger by the minute.

"Why not." Max handed him a bottle opener.

Looking at it for a moment, Eicca had a vague thought that he should be worrying about Max's motives, but, helvetti, Max had brought him a beer. When had he ever turned down a beer?

He took the opener, popped the cap on the bottle and drank deeply, feeling slightly embarrassed about drinking, alone, standing by his open front door with his silent ex-band-mate. "Nice," he said after taking a long swallow. "Kiitos."

"You're welcome," Max said. He waved and walked off into the darkness.

Eicca watched him go, puzzled and confused by this strange visit, then he sighed, shook his head and went back into the house, still drinking the beer.

He was getting the deep suspicion that he was the only sane person in an insane, cello filled world.

***

Perttu arrived at the recording studio the next day, only to find Eicca with his cello, hugging it close and twirling around the room as if it were a dancing partner. Every now and then, he would plant a big, sloppy kiss on the scroll and dip the cello in a move straight out of any self-respecting tango.

Paavo was sitting behind the mixing desk, a wide grin on his face.

"What's with him?" Perttu asked.

"I'm not sure. He's been acting like his cello is the love of his life all morning. I can't snap him out of it - not that I've tried. It's just too much fun to watch."

Perttu frowned. "We can't have Eicca acting weird. We do that enough."

"We do?" Paavo's eyebrows raised.

"We do!" Perttu said firmly.

"You might."

"I don't."

"You just said you do."

"I said we... I give up." Throwing his hands in the air, Perttu intercepted Eicca in mid twirl, grabbed the cello and had an interesting but brief fight with his band-mate for possession.

"Leave her alone. She's mine!" Eicca yelled. "You can't take her away from me."

Perttu gave up, shrugged at Paavo, then, without warning smacked Eicca straight in the jaw.

The surprise made Eicca let go. He pouted for a moment, holding his jaw, as Perttu made off with the cello across to the other side of the room. Then he smiled. His eyes lit up.

"Perttu. I'm so happy to see you. Come to me, my love. Let me take you in my arms and, together, we can dance the music of love..."

Perttu's eyes widened drastically. His face went pale. "Um... Eicca..."

"I love you. You are my heart's desire." Eicca grabbed him and hugged him tightly. Under the taller man's all-enveloping cuddle, Perttu heard Paavo guffawing from across the room.

"Paavo.. stop laughing.. get him off me!" Perttu squeaked, managing to get away and ducking around the desk with Eicca in hot pursuit.

"What's wrong, kultaseni. Please... tell me you love me. I will die without your heart beating as one next to mine..." Eicca continued to chase after Perttu. The younger man ducked and dived around the room, trying not to hear Paavo, who was laughing so helplessly, he had fallen off his chair.

"Stop laughing!" Perttu glared at Paavo as he fended off a suddenly over-fond Eicca. "And don't you kiss me You touched your cello with those lips... EEEP!"

Paavo shook his head, got up, picked up his cello case and waved at the desperate Perttu. "You guys look like you're busy, so... I'll be back tonight..." he said.

"Don't you leave me here alone!!!!" Perttu screamed, still ducking Eicca who was now spouting Shakespeare at him. "I can't run from him forever."

"I'd just enjoy the exercise if I were you." Paavo grinned. He left the building.

Wait until Antero heard about this one.

***

Antero's glasses nearly fell off in alarm when Paavo, still chortling, told him what had happened.

"You don't think this is abnormal?" he asked.

"Who cares? It's funny. After everything that's happened to me recently, it's good to see someone else having problems."

"Yes, but WHY is he acting like this? You think that he suddenly found an unrequited love for Perttu?"

Paavo had to think about this. "Well... he did say once..."

Antero sighed and shook his head. "Don't answer that! We need to do something about it, quick."

Paavo pouted. Normally leaving the pouting to Perttu and Eicca, he was surprisingly good at it. "Can't we wait until tomorrow?"

"No, we can't. Anything might happen." Antero pushed Paavo out of the door and got into his car. "Drive!" he ordered.

They arrived at the studio in record time. Rushing in, Antero searched the place for either Eicca or Perttu. They were nowhere to be found.

He even searched cupboards, in case Perttu had hidden somewhere.

Nothing.

Paavo was now starting to look worried. "Where can they be?"

"Split up!" Antero charged outside, picking up a spare bow, just in case he had to beat someone off anyone else.

A few minutes later, outside, in the field behind the studio, he found Perttu, sitting on a tree stump, giggling wildly.

"I was worried," Antero said, breathlessly. "Where's Eicca? What did he do?"

Perttu's ears went red, but he pointed. "I found out that if you can distract him for a few seconds, his affections are transferred onto whatever it is that gets his attention."

Antero looked over where Perttu was pointing.

He groaned.

He clapped his hands over his glasses.

Eicca was on his knees, a bunch of roses in his hands and spouting more love poetry to...

A sheep.

The sheep was eating the roses.

Perttu shrugged, eyes twinkling. "What can I say. Eicca is feeling a little sheepish."

Antero groaned again. "What did you do to him?"

"Had some fun." Perttu laughed.

Just then, Eicca's words came to Antero's ears.

"... Oh, You Ewe, you," Eicca was declaiming. "Give me your heart, woolly and true... oh sheepy, oh sheepy, you are so fine. how I wish you were mine...your beautiful eyes so brightly glint, how nice you'd look naked - wrapped up in mint"

Perttu sniggered. "Just as well he doesn't write lyrics, vai mitä?"

"You have to stop him!" Antero cried. "How do you stop him? He can't fall in love with... a sheep!"

"It was her or me," Perttu said, shrugging again. "At least she's the right sex."

"But she's not the right species!" Antero was yelling so loud now, that he was red in the face and his glasses were threatening to fall off his nose.

Perttu rolled his eyes. "All right." He sighed. He got up and went over to Eicca who was looking upset and forlorn, staring at the sheep who was placidly eating his bouquet of roses.

"She hates me. She only wants me for my flowers," Eicca said.

"The course of true love never runs smooth," Perttu commiserated, patting his friend on the shoulder.

"Perttu.... Tell her. Perhaps you can get through to her."

Perttu fought giggles and shook his head. "She's obviously made up her mind...or perhaps she's playing hard to get."

"But I wrote her a beautiful poem. I never wrote poetry before. I just... want to be with her...."

Perttu was having a hard time keeping a straight face, but Antero had had enough.

"Get him inside," he yelled from the safety of the log.

Perttu winced, shut his eyes and pulled Eicca so he faced the younger man.

"Come inside, Eicca," he said.

"Whatever you want, rakkaani," Eicca agreed amiably. Perttu could almost see love-hearts in his eyes.

He winced again. Just wait. He'd get revenge on Antero - somehow!

***

A compromise was met during the band discussion. Perttu managed to keep Eicca from chasing him around the room. Instead, they sat on a couch and Eicca leaned his head adoringly on Perttu's shoulder, batting his eyelashes lovingly at him. Paavo kept bursting into sniggers, especially at Perttu's long suffering rolling of eyes.

At least Eicca didn't have roving hands. Perttu really didn't think he could deal with that. He certainly knew he couldn't deal with Paavo's laughter.

"So what do we do? How did this happen to him?" Antero took charge of the situation.

"No idea," Paavo said.

Perttu shook his head.

"Ask him," Antero said.

"Why me?"

"You think I want him making sheep's eyes at me?"

"He already did that - at the sheep."

"Sheep?" Paavo looked mystified.

"Never mind. Just ask him." Antero ordered coolly.

Perttu sighed. "Eicca... did anything strange happen last night?"

Eicca frowned, shook his head. "I was alone," he said. "Alone in my bed, thinking only of your sweet..."

"Um...." Perttu said hurriedly. "So... nothing weird happened? No flashing lights? No thunder, no..." he wracked his brains, "um... aliens?"

Eicca snapped his fingers. "Aliens! Max visited."

"Max?" Everyone chorused.

"Niin. He gave me a bottle of birthday beer."

"That was nice of him," Paavo said.

"Idiot! Why would Max turn up and give him a single bottle of beer?" Antero asked the room at large.

"Maybe he couldn't afford any more."

"Maybe he's just cheap."

"Maybe it was poisoned!" Antero shouted. "Helvetti. Sometimes I wonder if you two have any brains."

"Don't you talk to my darling, fluffy-bunny Perttukins that way!" Eicca yelled.

Everyone groaned as he glared at Antero... then a big soppy grin smeared itself over his face. "Why, Antero... what... beautiful glasses you have."

Antero immediately whipped them off, blinking in the sudden light.

"And what beautiful eyes. Why do you always keep them hidden?" Forgetting Perttu, Eicca went over to Antero, snatched his glasses from his hands and neatly snapped them in two.

Antero meeped.

"He broke my glasses," he quavered.

"We can get you a new pair," Paavo said soothingly.

"You.... you don't understand..." Antero whimpered. "Without them... I'M NOT COOL!"

He burst into tears.

***

Paavo looked alarmed. "We need to find Antero another pair of glasses. We've got a gig in two days. He can't go on stage not looking cool. After all, he is the Mighty 0^0."

"I've got some sticking tape here." Perttu snatched the glasses from Eicca and started winding tape around the broken bit.

"You fool! I can't go on stage with tape around my glasses! That is the most uncool thing a guy can do," Antero wept. "I can feel the uncoolness creeping up on me. Already, I can feel the urge to wear Hawaiian shorts and flannel shirts! Besides.... you don't understand... 'these' glasses are what make me cool. Without them... I'm nothing."

Perttu burst into song - Placebo.

Paavo clapped a hand over his band-mate's mouth, remembered the hamster, squeaked and ran across the room, scrubbing his hand on his jeans

"What is it with him singing?" he asked. "And, Perttu, get rid of that hamster!"

Perttu pouted then stuck his tongue out at Paavo. Just to torture him some more, he launched into 'Waterloo'.

Everyone had forgotten Eicca.

He stood up, his eyes shining like little blue lamps. There was a big grin on his face.

"Abba. I forgot about Abba," he muttered, walking from the room in a trance-like state. "Must play Abba. Must play 'Waterloo', must play 'Fernando'..."

Paavo collapsed to his knees. He pounded the floor. He screamed. He wailed.

"You finally really did it! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Antero and Perttu stared at him. Then they looked at each other.

"Fancy a pizza?" Perttu asked, taking advantage of Antero's new uncoolness.

"Sure." Antero wiped away his tears. "Pepperami?"

"Great - and afterwards, I'll show you how to play Gran Turismo and we can go out, get drunk and scream at the natives..."

Both men left the room, leaving Paavo wondering, like the author, when it would all end.

***

Paavo decided that it was time he did something about this. With a determined expression in his eyes, he stormed over to the Apo forum, collared the author and spoke to her severely.

"Why are you doing this to us?" he demanded.

The author stopped typing.

............

.........................

...................................

After five minutes silence, Paavo rolled his eyes. "You're going to have to type so we can get on with this stupid story."

"Oops. Sorry."

"You're putting us through hell. Perttu keeps singing..." he shuddered, "Eicca fell in love with a sheep. Antero has lost his cool..."

"That's 0^0 to you, buster!" The author scowled.

"Not without his glasses, he's not!" Paavo screamed jumping up and down like a demented jack-in-the-box, "And stop doing that to me! I don't jump up and down like that!

"You should. It's fun." The author could pout just as well as Perttu and Eicca.

"And what's this fixation with Abba?" Paavo yelled. "Why Abba?"

"Well, it's better than The Backstreet Boys..." the author scowled in a threatening matter.

Shuddering, Paavo calmed down. "I see your point." He rubbed his hands over his eyes. "All I want to know is if there's a happy ending?"

"I haven't decided yet."

"And who's behind all this? Give us a clue so we can get back to normality... please... I beg of you."

"Surely, you know I write it all," the author replied, contemplating writing Paavo down on his knees in front of her as a punishment.

"Well, yes - ultimately, but who is the evil dude in this story? How do we defeat him? And will I ever be able to look another hamster in the face ever again?"

The author shrugged. "You should be able to... but... if you want to blame anyone..." she pointed at the forum. "Blame them. They encouraged me." She grinned at various members of the forum. "and I've just had this great idea for a Star Trek spoof.... so you'll have to suffer a while longer."

Paavo's fists clenched. "You wait until we get to Amsterdam. You're soooo dead."

The author grinned smugly. "I don't think so. I've got Rifje's angels to protect me."

Paavo thrust his face right up to the author. Slowly, he snarled. "Don't. Bet. On. It."

Then he stormed off back into the story.

The author sighed, then grinned as she thought of something REALLY evil she could do to Paavo.

***

Antero was no longer cool.

He was drunk, for a start. And when Antero got drunk (without his glasses), he got depressed and when Antero got depressed (without his glasses) he whined a lot.

Perttu was just starting to figure that out. He wished he had not fed Antero pizza and beer. Some thing were just not meant to be. A drunk Antero (without his glasses) was one of them.

"Why did he have to snap them?" Antero moaned. "I wasn't hurting anyone. I just wanted to be cool. It was all I asked, ever. I spent two years in this band without being cool, and now I am and Eicca had to ruin it for me. Two years, it was. I only wanted to be cool. No one ever let me be cool before, until I found those glasses and now Eicca broke them and now I'm not cool again. It's a crying shame, that's what it is. I like being cool. You guys, you all have your thing - you look pretty and break cellos. Eicca is the boss man and has that great hair and Paavo... uh... Paavo smiles a lot and has muscles - and what do I have? - nothing. I'm not even a member of the band. I'm just a spare part - now I'm a spare, uncool, part...."

Perttu sighed and slid down his chair. He would 'have' to find out how to give Antero back his cool - if nothing else - to shut him up.

"Come on," he said, with sudden determination. "We're going to get your cool back and we're going to find out why Eicca is acting so strange." He curbed the urge to rip off his shirt and shout 'this is a job for Super-Perttu' whilst changing into red spandex and rippling his muscles.

Then he remembered that he couldn't drive and Antero was too drunk. How would they get back to Eicca's place?

A bright idea occurred to him. Super-heroes had cool means of transport, didn't they?

He went to get his bicycle.

***

His wardrobe didn't contain any red spandex, but he had better and cooler things. He admired himself in the mirror, wearing his leather pants, a black shirt, long leather coat and wrap-around sunglasses.

Neo wasn't this cool, he decided, twirling two bows in a ninja-like manner and slipping them into a leather belt at his waist. He was Super-Perttu. Antero would be transformed into 0^0-Man and together, they would.. um... get Antero's glasses repaired and find the evil, dastardly villain who had turned Eicca (who was always cool, whatever he did and whatever he wore) into love-struck sheep dip.

Super-Perttu grabbed 0^0-Man, forced him into more leather, after persuading him that leather was cool, even without dark glasses and, after several false starts, set off towards Eicca's place.

---------

Paavo, just arriving at Eicca's place, turned round when he heard a bell ringing. The sight that greeted his eyes was one he would remember for a long time.

Perttu... dressed from head to toe in leather, with wrap-around sunglasses, riding a bicycle (in a wobbly manner) with Antero, hanging on for dear life, also dressed in leather (no glasses) sitting on the saddle behind him.

"Um..." Paavo said at last as Perttu drew to a halt beside him, slid a little and managed to get off the bicycle with only a miniscule amount of coolness lost. "What are you doing, Perttu?"

"I'm Super-Perttu and this is my side-kick, 0^0-Man," Perttu announced proudly. "We're gonna kick some ass!"

"Oh yeah?" Paavo folded his arms and grinned. "Whose?"

"Uh... the dastardly bastard who lost Antero's cool."

"That'd be Eicca, then."

"Um..." Perttu looked lost. "Oh yeah. It was, wasn't it. Forgot..." he thought for a second, then drew himself up. "We've come to kick the ass of the dude who turned Eicca into a sheep lover," he announced in a deeper-than-usual, heroic voice.

"Sheep lover?" Paavo blinked. "You keep talking about sheep. What is it with the sheep?"

"Never mind," Perttu said hurriedly in his normal voice. "It was her or me.. and I'd rather it was her..." he headed towards Eicca's house, 0^0-Man in tow. "Let's get Eicca and go kick ass."

Paavo followed them. "You're drunk, aren't you?" he asked conversationally as they wandered into Eicca's house.

"No," Perttu said defensively. "I only had one beer."

Paavo stopped. "One beer. Where did you get this beer from?"

Perttu had to think about this. "I dunno," he said at last. "It was in my fridge. Me and Antero shared it."

"And after that, you decided that you'd become Super-Perttu?" Paavo nodded. "I think I see a pattern here. Eicca drinks a beer and he becomes a love-struck fool. You drink a beer and think you're a super hero..."

"He is," Antero said, nodding firmly. "And I'm his not-so-cool-but-getting-a-bit-cooler-because-of-the-leather sidekick 0^0-Man. He wafted some air into his coat. "Actually, I'm hot..." he said, wiping his forehead. "Do I have to wear this heavy coat?"

"Of course. Would Neo be so cool without his coat?" Super-Perttu asked.

Paavo rolled his eyes, but decided to play along. "So, have we decided who was behind this wicked deed?" he asked, eyes twinkling and playing it up for all he was worth.

"Of course. It was..."

DA-DA-DAAAAAA!

A roll of drums came from somewhere. Everyone stopped and looked around. Shaking his head, Perttu continued with his announcement. "It was..."

DA-DA-DAAAAA!

Another roll of drums.

Everyone looked around again. Perttu shrugged, and decided to use the dramatic cue for all it was worth. "it was... The Evil Max!"

DA-DA-DAAAAA!

Paavo led the way to Eicca's lounge, where Eicca was practising on a spare drum kit.

This was not a problem. The problem was that Eicca was wearing a white silk pair of trousers, matching white silk shirt, platform heels - and blue eye shadow.

Everyone started as he jumped away from the drum kit, executed a perfect twirl, did the splits and boogied up to Perttu, rolling his arms over each other before letting out an ear-splitting, Michael Jackson-like howl.

Perttu grinned, obviously not seeing anything wrong with this. "Now we are three," He announced in his 'hero' voice. "Super-Perttu, 0^0-Man and Disco-Eicca."

Paavo groaned and put his head in his hands.

Perttu whipped out his two bows, whirled them expertly and stuffed them back into his belt.

"Let's go kick Evil Max ass!" he growled.

"How?" Paavo asked as they all trooped back outside and Perttu picked up his bicycle. "We can't all fit on one push-bike!"

"It's this or the Lada."

Paavo paused. "We'll take the bike"

***************

If the reader had been standing by the side of the road in Helsinki on this bright June morning, they would have been about to see one of the stranger sights in their life - possibly... no.. definitely - stranger than the one Paavo had witnessed only an hour earlier.

First, they would have heard a small, bicycle bell ringing. Then they would have heard a loud sound... the sound of a very panicky cellist, hanging on, for dear life.

It went something like this...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Then, if the reader had been intrigued enough to stop and wait, they would have seen a very wobbly bicycle hove into view, driven by a slim, blond man who seemed to think he was Neo from the Matrix - complete with long, leather coat and sunglasses.

They would have seen another, more unnerved, Neo look-alike, sitting between the driver's arms, on the cross-bar of the bike.

"SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPP!"

The sound would have gotten louder as the bike approached. Only then, would the reader realise that the white satin heap in the front shopping basket, was in fact a tall, blond man wearing flares, platform boots and blue eye shadow. This one would have a big grin on his face and seem to enjoy the ride.

"PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUU!"

As the bike wobbled past the watcher, they then would have seen the fourth man, sitting on the rack on the back of the bike, hands over eyes, but brandishing, of all things, two cello bows in a threatening manner.

And, just before the bicycle faded from view and hearing, the reader would have heard one last comment from the driver.

"It's SUPER-Perttu!"

************

After about thirty minutes, Paavo turned round, not releasing his death-grip on the bike.

"Um... where are we actually going?" he asked.

The bike ground to a halt, spilling Apocalyptica members everywhere. Perttu was breathing hard, exhausted by trying to pedal three other full-grown and not exactly lightweight musicians around with him.

"I thought you knew," he said.

"Voi Vittu! How the hell should I know?" Paavo screamed.

Perttu shuffled and shrugged. "I thought..."

"Pretty bicycle..." Eicca crooned, kissing the basket in a fond manner.

Paavo, Perttu and 0^0 looked at Eicca and rolled their eyes.

"Quick... let's find out where to go, before he starts sniffing the saddle," Perttu said hurriedly.

Antero and Paavo pulled Eicca from the bike, gave him a spare bow to slobber over and an Abba song to sing, then discussed the situation in a calm, rational manner.

"I WANT MY COOL BACK!" Antero wept, falling to his knees and beating his breast tragically.

"Maybe that warehouse he was hiding in, in that first story..."

"Don't be stupid. He would have moved."

"But maybe..."

"You are the Dancing Queeeeeeeeeeen, young and sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet, only seventeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!"

"Don't argue!"

"But..."

"I WANT MY GLAAAAAASEEEEESSSS!"

"So how the hell do we find one man in a whole country?"

"It's Max. You can't miss Max! Max is taller than mountains. We'll find him!"

"Dancing Queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen, feel the beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat from the tambouriiiiiiiiine..."

"But what if he isn't in Finland? What then?"

"He has to be! Eicca only saw him yesterday!"

"WHERE DID MY COOOOOL GO!"

"Youuuuu can daaaance, youuuuu can jiiiii-iiiiive, having the time of your liiiiii-iiii-iiiife..."

Paavo looked at Perttu. Perttu glared at Paavo. Both turned to the boogying on down Eicca and wailing, un-cool Antero.

"SHUT UP!"

There was a long silence.

Paavo buried his head in his hands. "Okay," he said finally, in a calmer voice. "We'll try the warehouse. If nothing else, it'll shut 'them' up." He nodded at Antero and Eicca, who was still humming under his breath and wiggling his hips in a Travolta-like way.

Perttu grinned. "What are we waiting for! Super-Perttu to the rescue." He picked up the bicycle.

Paavo cleared his throat.

"Oh... and 0^0-Man, Disco Eicca and..." he looked Paavo up and down in a puzzled manner. "What's your super-hero name?" he asked.

Paavo got back on the bike. "Call me 'Wondering-If-I'm-Still-Sane-Man," he muttered.

"That's a stupid name. It's too long." Perttu scoffed as they rode off.

Paavo did the head burying thing in his hands, again. "It's better than The Incredible Paavo."

**********

Once more they were in the warehouse where they had tracked down the cello killer way back in the first story. Paavo felt a strong sense of deja-vu as he walked inside and saw the dusty remains of hundreds of dead cellos scattered around the floor. Beside him, Antero snivelled in a not very cool way, and Eicca made loving comments to the bow he had earlier fallen madly in love with.

"Hehehe. He kissed the frog... and it didn't turn into a prince." Perttu sniggered.

"Could do with a couple of rosin bombs now," Paavo said, glaring at Perttu and wishing they could stop the irrelevant cello puns and get this story over with..

"Should have brought the Lada," Perttu added. "What happened to all the gizmos?"

Paavo shrugged. "They got taken away from me. My life as a secret agent is over."

"Never mind, WIISSM," Perttu smiled and struck a heroic pose. "You're a super-hero now. Who needs those stupid secret agents?"

"Wiism?"

Perttu rolled his eyes. "Wondering-If-I'm-Still-Sane-Man."

"Forget that. Just call me Paavo." Paavo wandered around, kicking bits of cello. "Doesn't look like anyone's been here for a while. We may as well go back home."

"Someone else can pedal."

Everyone looked at Eicca. He grinned, did a pirouette and jabbed the air. "OOO- OWWW!" he squeaked.

Everyone winced.

"Yes, let's go home. I need to find a new pair of glasses," Antero quavered in an un-cool fashion. "It's spooky in here and there might be spiders."

"Not so fast!" came an Evil voice from behind them.

All four men turned - except for Eicca who was burbling more love poetry at the bow and gently caressing its hair.

They gasped.

It wasn't Max.

"It's Benny - from Abba!" Paavo said.

"Yes, it is I," said the tubby, bearded ex-popstar. "Surprise!"

"You foul fiend. Why are you doing this to my friends?" Paavo asked.

"Because for too long, Abba have been ignored by quality musicians. Too long have we put up with being gay icons and being covered by shitty bands like Erasure, Steps, Boyzone and Westlife and having stupid musicals based on us, like Mama-Mia."

"But, hang on - you wrote that..." Perttu said in confusion, then blushed. "Sorry. I didn't know I knew that."

"Yes! I wrote it... and it was awful! I couldn't take anymore. I wanted decent bands to cover Abba songs, to give us credibility again, but Metallica wouldn't do it, so we chose you - the next best thing." Benny cackled Evilly. "And, like fools, you fell into my trap! You fools! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Not so fast, Benny!" came another voice from the doorway.

Everyone turned (again)

"MAX!"

Max looked puzzled. "I'm getting a sense of deja-vu," he said.

"Me too," Paavo admitted.

"So, do you think you could say something other than 'MAX' next time? You know... just for a change?" Max continued.

"There's going to be a next time?" Perttu asked. Everyone joined him in rolling their eyes.

Meanwhile, Benny glared. "Hold on. I'm the Evil Benny around here. Why are you all talking to him? You're supposed to be quaking in fear and quivering at my awful Evilness!"

"Quick. Eicca... Benny's got your beloved," Paavo shouted at Eicca, snatching his bow from him and tossing it at Benny.

"How dare he... unhand that bow!" Eicca yelled. Then he blinked. "It's Benny... from Abba... my hero... I've waited to meet you all my life, so I can tell you how much you mean to me.." He advanced.

Benny, faced by an extremely tall Finn, wearing white satin and platform shoes (and blue eye shadow) started to back off. "You can't do this to me!" he whimpered, then started to run as Eicca gave chase, singing 'Gimme, Gimme, Gimme' at him.

"Bugger that," Perttu said suddenly. He took a running jump, launched himself into the air and planted his (leather) boots right into the centre of Benny's chest. He grabbed Eicca. Paavo grabbed Eicca. They held the struggling man off their adversary.

"Give us the cure for what you did to them, or we'll let him loose!" Paavo yelled.

Benny climbed to his feet.

Just then, Antero, who had been crouching on the floor whimpering about his lack of cool, stood up, pulled a large cake from inside his coat (complete with pink icing letters saying Happy Birthday (again) Eicca) and planted it right in Benny's face.

Benny collapsed to the floor weeping.

Paavo looked at Antero. "You had that cake with you all the time?" he asked.

Antero shrugged. "I made it to replace the one Perttu destroyed," he said calmly.

"But..." Paavo looked at Antero's (leather) coat, calculated the dimensions needed for such a cake to go unsquished and came up with the wrong answer.

Finally, he gave up trying to figure it all out. "Where's the cure?" he asked.

"I'll never tell!" Benny was still trying to get cake off his face and out of his beard. The beard unnerved Paavo more than he thought possible... it looked like a large hamster.

"Let Eicca go to his new beloved!" Perttu said to Paavo. Eicca was still spouting Abba lyrics at Benny and declaring undying love.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! All right, All right. I'll give you the cure." Benny started to panic. "One blond in white satin was enough to last a lifetime." He reached into his pocket and gave Paavo a test tube. He immediately uncorked it, poured some into Eicca's mouth, then gave the rest to Perttu. Perttu sipped at it, then passed it to Antero.

At last, Eicca stopped singing Abba lyrics. He blinked and looked down at himself.

"Why am I wearing this?" he asked.

Max came forward, taking out some handcuffs. Wrapping them around Benny's wrists, he nodded to the others. "I'll take him in," he said.

Everyone looked at him. "You mean..." Paavo gasped at last.

"Yes, I was a secret agent all the time," Max said with a sigh, looking bored.

Everyone rolled their eyes and glared up at the author.

Can't you come up with anything more original?" Paavo asked in disgust.

"Sorry," said the author. "But after 13 chapters...."

"Yeah, yeah..." Paavo yawned. "Okay. So, we're all cured now?" He looked suspiciously at Antero. "You're not gibbering anymore," he said.

"Nope," Antero said. "You really think I lost my cool?" he pulled out a pair of sunglasses from within his coat and put them on.

"Now he really is 0^0-Man!" Perttu said in admiration. "Super-Perttu and 0^0-Man... riding the super-cool-bike-mobile together. Groovy!!"

Everyone looked at Perttu. "That cure didn't work on Perttu," Eicca said at last.

Benny looked puzzled. "But I didn't 'do' anything to him!" he replied.

--------

(epilogue)

"So," Paavo said, standing with arms folded in front of the author. "After all that, you never did think of anything REALLY Evil to do to me."

The author just grinned.

Paavo started to get worried. "Did you?"

"Sure I did," the author said, still typing busily.

"So...." Paavo looked himself over suspiciously. He was wearing his normal clothes. He was normal Paavo colour... nothing too hamsterish was sprouting out of his chin and his feelings for any objects in the room were completely neutral. He even felt pretty cool. "So what was it? What did you do?"

The author grinned. "The Evilest thing I could think of," she said as she saved her story and shut down the program.

"Which was?"

"Easy. I kept you sane."

***

THE END