The Incredible Paavo

By Terrë

(this is a work of fiction. Paavo is not green (neither is he a secret agent) and, as far as I know hasn't been bitten by any radio-active hamsters although he keeps looking at Perttu's chin hair in a worried manner)
***

Eicca stared incredulously at Perttu as he walked on stage. Paavo and Antero followed his gaze. Paavo buried his head in his hands and Antero even took off his glasses to get a better look.

"What. Is. That?" Eicca said at last, his eyes arctic.

Perttu blushed. "Um..."

"No, really... what is it?"

Perttu shuffled in an embarrassed manner and mumbled something.

"I can't hear you." Eicca continued to give him icicle eyes.

"A guitar," Perttu answered at last.

Eicca rolled his eyes heavenwards. "Perttu, it might have escaped your notice, but we're a cello band. We! Play! Cellos!"

"Um.." Perttu shuffled some more. "I ran out..."

"You ran out." Eicca was giving him a flat, unfriendly stare. "You... RAN... out."

"I ran out of cellos when I broke that last one before the interval." Perttu was now so red, they could have used him for lighting and saved a fortune in technicians. "So, I thought... rather than coming on stage and singing..."

"EEEP!" A small squeak was heard from Paavo's direction.

"...I thought I'd play guitar instead," Perttu finished.

Eicca shook his head. "Why me?" he asked the world at large.

"You want me to sing?" Perttu asked, his face lighting up.

"NO!" everyone chorused.

"Play the guitar," Eicca said sternly. "But if you run out of cellos ever again... I'll...

I'll..." he faded off, unable to think of anything nasty enough.

So Perttu played guitar...

...with a bow...

***

"Actually, that was quite good." Paavo said as he and Perttu walked along the street to their nearby hotel. "I didn't know you could play with a bow, though."

"Neither did I," Perttu admitted. "Hei! Paavo.. watch out for the..."

As Perttu spoke, Paavo walked right into a ladder that was leaning against the side of the hotel. They heard a loud swearing from above, then a can of paint fell squarely onto Paavo's head. Perttu heard Paavo's howl from within the paint tin and began to snicker.

"Get this &^$$£ tin off me!!!!" Paavo struggled to get the tin off his head. Perttu, still snickering, helped him with the tin. As he pulled hard, there was a loud sucking sound and green paint flooded all over Paavo, staining everything he wore. He looked down at himself, wiping paint out of his eyes.

"It suits you." Perttu said at last, wiping away tears of laughter. "goes with your eyes."

"Very funny." Paavo growled and squelched towards the hotel.

Just then, a pile of small furry things came stampeding towards Paavo. Behind them were several men in white lab coats.

"Don't let them get away!" one yelled. "Escaped radio-active hamsters are on the loose."

Perttu hurriedly ran back to the ladder and climbed up it. Paavo, still in his squelchy, green clothes was slower. He was bowled over by the furry creatures. Perttu heard him yelp in pain, then, with a twitch of several noses and ears, the hamsters were gone, leaving Paavo with a bitten and bleeding finger.

"It really isn't my day," he moaned. "A tin of green paint falls on me then I get savaged by a radio-active hamster... STOP GIGGLING!"

But Perttu didn't stop laughing all the way to the hotel.

***

The paint wouldn't come off. It didn't matter how hard Paavo tried, the paint would not move. It had leaked into his trousers, his shoes, under his T-shirt - everywhere. Even his hair was green. He spent all morning in his bathroom, then, in desperation, went to find Eicca.

He found the others practising in Eicca's hotel room. As he came in, they all looked up and him.

Perttu giggled.

"Paavo... why are you green?" Eicca asked at last.

Paavo scowled. "It's not my fault... you see there was this ladder, then the hamsters came and..."

Eicca's eyebrows went up into his hairline. "Ladder? Hamsters? Paavo - are you taking drugs?"

"NO! I just want to get this paint off me." Paavo was beginning to get desperate. "Can you help?"

Eicca got up, walked round him, examining him closely. "Hmmm," he said. He walked round again. "Ahhhh," he said. He poked Paavo's green hair thoughtfully. "Hmph," he said.

"Stop making stupid noises and tell me what to do!" Paavo was near tears. "I can't go on stage like this."

"Have you bathed?"

"Of course."

"Sauna?"

Paavo shook his head.

"Try sauna." Eicca nodded. "That'll get it off."

(an hour later)

"It didn't get it off." Paavo was still pea green.

"Vittu."

Perttu was staring at Paavo as if he was an alien. "Um... Paavo... you're glowing," he said finally.

"That's it." Eicca stormed out of the room. Everyone looked at each other. They waited.

Then they waited some more.

And they waited again.

Paavo paced. Antero whistled. Perttu sung 'Waterloo' under his breath.

Then Eicca appeared, triumphantly carrying three floor scrubbing brushes, a bucket, two bottles of bleach and a bottle of turpentine.

Paavo swallowed nervously. "What are you going to do with those?"

Eicca grinned and brandished a brush. "Strip!" he ordered.

***

"Come down from there!"

"No!"

"Paavo - get off the window ledge right now."

"You're not scrubbing me down with those brushes!"

Eicca rolled his eyes, grabbed Antero's bow from him and prodded Paavo with it.

"Get down. You'll fall."

"Like you hitting me with that thing will help?"

"Give that bow back." Antero snatched it away from Eicca. "It cost a fortune! I'm not having it used to prod Paavo with."

"Yeah! Prod someone else!" Paavo said from outside the window.

Perttu suddenly started dancing around the room, head-banging and singing "Can you hear the drums, Fernandoooooooooo!"

Everyone - including Paavo, clapped their hands over their ears.

"Shut him up!" Paavo screamed from outside the window. "The last time he did that, I couldn't get 'Waterloo' out of my head for three nights. I kept singing it and singing it.. it drove me maaaad!"

A slow, evil grin came over Eicca's face. "If I shut him up, will you come inside?"

"I was soooooo afraid, Fernandooooooooooooo," Perttu wailed, obliviously.

"Quick... he's playing air cello!" Antero said in alarm, "someone stop him!"

"Only if Paavo comes inside." Eicca was statue-like in his obstinacy.

"I'm not ashamed to say the roar of guns and cannons almost made me cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Perttu screamed at the top of his lungs. "There was something in the air that niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. The stars were briiiiiiiiiight...."

"Okay... okay..." Paavo crumbled under the Abba onslaught. "I'm coming in. Shut him up." He gingerly edged his way along the window ledge and jumped back into the room.

As he got inside, Antero and Eicca jumped him, bore him to the ground and ripped his clothes off. Perttu - with a smug grin on his face - brandished the scrubbing brush and bleach. He slowly snapped on a pair of bright yellow, rubber gloves.

"Scrub him!" Eicca ordered, struggling to hold down a howling, fighting Paavo.

"Sure." Perttu giggled. "Which bit first?"

***

"If he wasn't still green, he'd be bright red," Antero said at last.

Eicca, standing there with his arms folded, nodded agreement. "But he's still green." He sighed.

"As a pea," Perttu added.

"Pea soup..."

"Pea soup with emerald colouring in it," Antero joined in.

Paavo growled.

Eicca shook his head. "We've established that he's green. Now what?"

"I can't go on stage like this," Paavo yelled greenly.

"The show must go on," Eicca admonished wagging a finger. "Did you see Perttu give up when he broke his jaw and his ribs and he could hardly walk?"

Paavo looked shamefaced. "No."

"You made me do it. It was 'your' fault," Perttu muttered sulkily.

"No it wasn't. Did you see Perttu give up that time he fainted like a girl on stage?"

"No..." Paavo shuffled.

Did you see Perttu give up that time he cut his fingers...."

"Um... no..." Paavo ducked his head.

"Did you see Perttu give up that time he fell off stage and twisted his ankle...?" Eicca stopped then turned to Perttu. "You're a real klutz. You know that?"

"But I'm a cute klutz," Perttu pouted. "The chicks love it."

Eicca rolled his eyes and turned back to Paavo. "What I'm saying is, that you don't have anything broken, cut or hurt... um... okay, so maybe Perttu was a little rough with the brush... but it doesn't show. You're only green. You can play."

"He's glowing, too," Perttu added.

"Maybe we could cover him in red paint," Antero said helpfully. "Red cancels out green."

Paavo glared - greenly. "I'm not being covered in red paint! I don't want to be covered in any paint! I've had enough of being green! I'm not being green, red, blue or, god forbid, purple! I want to be Paavo coloured again - pink."

Everyone stared at him.

"He's definitely glowing," Perttu said.

Eicca's eyes narrowed. "You're right," he said.

"His muscles are getting bigger," Perttu commented.

"So they are," Eicca agreed, eyes widening.

There was a ripping sound. Perttu winced. "New trousers too... and shirt...ruined..."

"Niin."

Antero, Eicca and Perttu backed off towards the door. There was a low, feral growling sound from Paavo's direction. Bits of ripped clothes scattered everywhere. A bucket was hurled out of the window.

"Perttu, maybe you have a clever suggestion at this point?" Eicca asked.

Perttu nodded wisely. "Yeah... RUN!"

***

"Stop.... stop..." Antero gasped at last. "I'm out of breath."

Perttu and Eicca stopped. Eicca grabbed his band-mates by the arms and dragged them down a small alleyway.

"Is he still after us?" he asked, worriedly peering out.

His answer was a roar and the screams of hapless people caught in Paavo's way.

"Vittu. What do we do?" Perttu asked.

"How did this happen?" Eicca demanded. "And how do we get him back to normal?"

Perttu explained about the ladder, the paint and the hamsters. Eicca looked thoughtful.

"He was bitten by a radio-active hamster? Maybe we should find the place where it escaped from and ask them."

"Good idea!" Antero said. "But we'd better do it fast..."

Too late. A huge great hulking monster, bright green, glowing and rippling with huge muscles appeared at the end of the alleyway.

"It's the Incredible Hunk!" Perttu yelped.

"Don't you mean Hulk?" Eicca asked as they all backed off.

"You say what you mean... I'll say what I mean," Perttu pouted.

The Incredible Paavo growled and advanced on them.

"Any more ideas?" Eicca asked.

"Run?" Perttu tried hopefully.

"We did that. Look where it got us."

"Um... I could sing... music's supposed to soothe the savage beast..."

Antero clapped his hand over Perttu's mouth. "Don't you dare... the saying is specific to music and your voice cannot be termed as such..."

"Mhmphmmfmfmpgmmhmhm," Perttu tried.

"It might make him more angry," Eicca said. "We wouldn't like it if he was angry."

"You mean this is calm?" Antero nodded at the growling, snarling beast advancing on them. He paused. "He looks kind of cool, though - give him some dark glasses and..."

Groaning, Eicca drew himself up to his full height. "I'm going to try reasoning with him," he said at last and walked resolutely forward. "Cover me."

Antero looked at Perttu. "What with?"

Perttu looked at Antero. "You could always throw your glasses at him."

***

Eicca swallowed hard as he approached snarling, green and glowing Paavo.

"Um... I know you're upset," he said conversationally, "and we're going to see what we can do to help. First, you need to calm down and stop killing things. It doesn't help matter."

The Incredible Paavo paused in mid roar, then slumped down to the floor. "How can I go on stage like this?" he asked.

"You can be useful in other ways," Eicca said, patting Paavo on the shoulder. "A permanent 'go' light on the road... maybe you'd be good up in the lighting rig. You glow nicely. Or maybe, when we eventually play Las Vegas, you'd be good as an advertisement - we could stick you up on a post... or, hey... a bodyguard. You would be good keeping all those screaming fans off us..."

"I don't want to be an advertisement or a bodyguard," Paavo wept. "I want to be

Paavo. I want to play cello. I don't like being green."

Antero and Perttu came forward, both looking nervous, but wiling to help.

"What is it that a great philosopher once said?" Perttu soothed. "It's not easy being green."

"That was Kermit the Frog!" Eicca snapped.

"Whatever. He was right."

As they talked, Paavo slowly began to return to his normal self. His muscles went down, his height lessened and his face began to look less animal-like. He was still green though. He sighed, looking very depressed. A tear sneaked down his (green) cheek.

"We've got a gig to play," Eicca said. "Let's get you some new clothes and play, before we try to figure out what to do. Our fans await."

"I know..." Perttu said as they walked back to the hotel. "Maybe if we kept all the lights green tonight, no one will notice."

"I don't want to be green all night," Antero complained. "I just don't look cool in green."

"Neither do I," Paavo said pointedly.

"One green, all green," Eicca said seriously. "Paavo is our brother. What he goes through - we go through."

Once back at the hotel, Paavo changed clothes, then sneaked out the back while the others went out the front. They all arrived without mishap at the concert venue and prepared to go on stage.

After some experimentation, where Paavo stood on stage and they flashed various coloured lights on him, the lighting technician was instructed to keep the lights either red or green and, feeling more hopeful, they prepared to go on stage.

***********

"I don't believe you did that," Eicca said.

Paavo shrugged.

"I don't believe he did that!" Eicca informed the room at large.

Paavo looked ashamed. "It was fun..." he said at last.

"Yeah, but..." Eicca winced. "Four cellos in one evening..."

"And a guitar," Perttu added.

"Don't forget the chairs," Antero said from the corner.

"Or the stage..." Paavo grinned, rattling his chains.

"The ceiling was looking pretty unstable, too," Perttu added. "He truly is a master destroyer. Not even I can do that to a lighting rig..."

"We've never let you try," Eicca scowled. "One destructive force in this band is enough... with two..." he groaned and buried his face in his hands. "We need to get Paavo back to normal right away. At least Perttu doesn't have superhuman strength."

Perttu thrust his lower lip out. "You never let us have any fun."

"When fun means destroying the whole venue, having the police, fire-engines AND the army called out, plus a country-wide disaster alert, then no. I won't let you have any fun." Eicca threw up his hands. "Why me!"

"And Paavo snapped my glasses," Antero was still sulking.

As they spoke, a man in army dress entered the cell, along with a man in a white coat. They eyed Paavo, who was chained up, from chin to shoes, then sat down.

"I'm General Lee," The General said. "This is professor Lichtenstein. It was his hamster that bit your friend."

"Do you think you could untie me?" Paavo asked hopefully. "I'm safe now."

"No!" The General looked scared. "We're not even sure those chains can hold you."

"Should have chained Perttu up too," Eicca grumbled. "With Paavo like this, he has a goal to work toward."

"You'll be happy to know that no one was hurt when the concert hall fell down," the General said. "However, one person broke their toe when the three buildings next to it collapsed."

He was met with stony silence.

"Anyway, he said hastily. "The prof here, thinks that he has a cure for your friend."

The man in the white coat stood up. "Yes. I do. First we have to cover your friend in red paint..."

"See, told you," Antero said smugly.

"Then we have to lock him in a room with an anti-hamster and hope he gets bitten again.

Paavo moaned. "No... not the hamster."

"Then, it seems that he has to be isolated for 12 hours whilst listening to Abba songs... you see.. the fact that it was the music he heard when he was mutating, has affected him."

"I wondered why singing 'Gimme, Gimme, Gimme' calmed him down at last." Perttu smiled.

"There's a problem, though... it has to be the same recording. Something to do with the brain waves..."

"But... he didn't hear a recording," Eicca said, his eyes widening. "Perttu was singing."

Everyone looked in horror at everyone else. Paavo started to scream.

But Perttu was oblivious. "Cool!" he said with a wide smile.

***

Paavo swallowed hard, looking worriedly at the cold, white square room he was to go into.

"Once you're in there, we'll let loose the hamster from the trap door inside and, at the same time, Perttu will start singing Abba songs through this microphone here," the

prof said. "Are you ready?"

Paavo winced, swallowed again and nodded. He walked inside and the professor shut and locked the door behind him.

"Release the anti-hamster," he called.

There was a loud, shrill squeaking from inside the room.

"That trap door is noisy," Antero commented, putting his hands over his ears.

"That isn't the trap door - it's the anti-hamster."

"Just what is an anti-hamster, anyway?" Eicca asked.

"You don't want to know."

Just then, the lights began to strobe on and off. The professor sighed. "The radio-active hamsters are loose again..." he yelled. "Wait here." And he ran off, leaving the Apo guys alone.

The strobing continued. Antero shoved his replacement glasses up his nose and looked cool. Eicca put his hands over his eyes, but Perttu...

Perttu stared vacuously into space, a vague grin on his face.

No one noticed.

At last, the strobing stopped and the professor reappeared. "Caught them." he explained. "Okay... now, Mr. Kivilaakso, please start singing."

Perttu blinked. "Singing what?"

Everyone looked at everyone else. "Abba songs," Antero said. "Remember... you have to sing Abba songs."

"Ewww! Why would I want to do that?" Perttu asked in disgust. "I HATE Abba. You know I hate Abba. I only listen to death metal. How dare you insult me by insinuating that I might even think about singing Abba!" With a toss of his golden head, he stormed out of the room, looking highly offended.

Eicca stamped his foot. "He's been re-hypnotised by the strobe lights." He glowered.

"He's back to liking only Death metal and opera."

The professor groaned. "We can't cure him without Abba songs sung in a 'really' bad manner."

Antero looked at Eicca.

Eicca bit his lip.

"It's for the good of mankind," Antero said kindly, patting Eicca's shoulder. "Think how grateful Paavo will be."

"Yeah, but..."

"He's your friend, isn't he? What happened to that 'Apocalyptica are brothers' speech you made earlier?

"Yeah... but... Abba..."

"You can't play without Paavo," Antero said desperately "And I don't know any Abba! I can't help!"

"I know..." Eicca sighed, shut his eyes and picked up the microphone. He licked his lips... thought hard, then started to sing.

"Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight..."

***

(later)

"It was horrible." Paavo shuddered. "The anti-hamster.... no... I can't talk about it. The hamster... the hamster...nooooo"

"Just what 'is' the anti-hamster?" Perttu asked.

"You don't want to know," Paavo retreated into a corner, gibbering quietly to himself.

"At least you're not green anymore," Antero soothed. "You're a nice normal Paavo colour."

"As long as he doesn't go into any freshly painted green rooms." Perttu added. He looked over at Eicca, who was sitting quietly on a couch, staring at his feet. "You're quiet." He went over and sat next to his band-mate. "Are you okay?"

Eicca looked up, his eyes haunted. "No..."

"What's wrong?"

Eicca moaned softly. "I can't get an arrangement for 'Dancing Queen' out of my head. It would be soooo cool on four cellos..."

Perttu blinked, thought about it then nodded. "Actually..."

"NO! You. Can't!" Antero screamed, jumping to his feet. He was so agitated, his glasses fell off. He looked from Eicca to Perttu then to Paavo. "Please don't tell me you're considering it?"

Eicca reached for his cello. Perttu reached for his. After a moment, Paavo got up from the corner and picked up his own.

Slowly, cautiously, they began to play...

Antero watched for a long moment, then sighed and went for his own instrument.

"If you can't beat them.... join them." He replaced his glasses, picked up his bow and joined in.

***

THE END