Chapter 11 - Terminal

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"OK, I just thought you might know." and he hobbled back to his bedroom. He was satisfied with my answer.

Sara and I were both worried about Paula. We tried to explain that Max's illness had returned. She either did not understand or did not want to know. I suspected the latter. Max's past illnesses had always been bad news for her. We approached counsellors for help but they could not tell us what she understood or how we could soften the blow.

I worried about myself and Sara. I read many books on bereavement and the general consensus seemed to be that it took up to four years before the death of a child ceased to be part of your daily routine. This was an extremely frightening and daunting prospect. We had carried the burden of childhood cancer for three and a half years which was pain enough. Another four years was beyond comprehension. From what I read it suggested that our journey had barely started. In all I read ten books on bereavement and then stopped. The stories were too horrific. There is only so much that one can absorb. One of the messages which was constantly repeated was that some parents never recover from the death of their child. This was not a message that I could grasp at this point in time.

I started to feel a calm. It was not the suspicious calm I had experienced while awaiting his diagnosis but the genuine relaxed calm of the sentenced.

I tried to imagine his hopes and dreams. I remember being in love at the age of seven. My friends were so important to me. At that age you have all sorts of dreams, aspirations, fears and insecurities. Your family and friends are your life. How does a seven year old contemplate the loss of all these? Can a seven year old really contemplate death? I don't know. Probably not in the way that an adult would do. I decided to broach the question.

"Maxie, I get worried that you never talk about how you feel. Mum and I want to help you as much as we can. We can't help you if we don't know what you are thinking. Are you afraid of dying?"

"No, not really, because I'll go to heaven. It's not the dying that worries me because I'll just die. It's you and Mummy. I don't want to be lonely without you. I just want to stay with you."

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