Chapter 13 - Flanders

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So what happens when you are threatened with the death of your child? In my case I reacted by concentrating solely on Max's survival. That was good for Max but did nothing for my marriage, especially since it was rocky before his illness.

After Max's death Sara and I found that we were strangers living in the same house. We decided to separate about six months after Max's death. When we discussed separating it was as if my previous life had never existed and had no meaning. We had been married for thirteen years and we had been through a lot together. My life had been cut from beneath me and I could not comprehend anything anymore.

When it comes down to it, there is one time more than any other that you desperately need the love of a spouse. It's when your back is up against the wall and all the odds are against you. This often works and couples go through hell and high water together and manage all that life throws at them. But not always. Sometimes neither of you are in a position to provide any support for the other. The grief is an all encompassing, all consuming fire. It smothers all before it and the marriage does not survive. You both stagger, burnt out and coughing, wondering what has happened and where it will all lead.

I crawled like a wounded animal trying to find somewhere to hide. Somewhere to lick my wounds and recover. Isolation. I did not have enough strength for anyone anymore. I had no love left for anyone, not even myself. All my energy was consumed in trying to recover from those wounds.

I needed space and time to sort myself out, to reconcile myself with all that had happened to Max and me and the family.

I had a disturbing dream about Sara. In the dream I was reflecting over a photo of a woman in blue. I could not understand why I had married Sara when I had been so in love with the woman in blue. I really loved this mystery woman so where had it all gone wrong? Why had I married Sara? I woke confused and then shocked when I realised that the picture I had been looking in my dream at was of Sara in her twenties.

Leaving the family home was a frightening prospect. So much security, though little stability, for so long. I continued to support Sara and Paula and moved about a mile away so I could still visit Paula.

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