Memories of Max - A Father's Story

Chapter 15 - Phoenix

The first solo jump was incredible. In the plane I was very calm and did not feel the adrenaline rush that I expected. It came in that slow motion moment as I threw myself into empty space. This is truly the process of letting go. You jump into the void with enormous faith.

I managed a few jumps before deciding to stop parachuting. The biggest problem with parachuting was the time which must be devoted to sitting round waiting for the right conditions to jump. I had also started lots of different projects and realised that I would not finish any with so little free time so the parachuting was shelved.

The most important aspect of the parachuting was the 'can-do' attitude. If I could find the courage to jump out of a plane on my own then there was little else that could be more daunting. I felt a tremendous sense of achievement in meeting this little milestone. It gave me the impetus to continue with the book and other projects.

There is also a process in bereavement called 'letting go'. It is the process of grieving, accepting, and then finally reconciling yourself with the death of a loved one.

I had always thought that 'letting go' was the final acceptance of a death and the realisation that the deceased would not be coming back. I did that immediately after Max's death. I had been prepared for a long time and there was no denial. I am an atheist and I did not believe that Max had gone to some other dimension or existence. When he died, I believed that he was gone forever. I thought that my ready acceptance would help. In a sense it did. Some people take years to even accept that their child has died.

Although I accepted that Max had died, I was afraid of losing my memories of him. This is the fear that you can no longer preserve your child in your mind's eye. This, however, is all part of the process of letting go, but you don't want to relinquish those recollections. You want to crystallise those times in amber as a museum of moments. It should not and eventually does not happen. You have to move on.

I was not prepared for the sheer void which Max's loss created in my life. In the true process of letting go you need to resolve the grief and in doing so you need also to let go of that void and release the intensity of those memories. This is not a conscious move, but is time and nature slowly stitching the wounds. It does not mean that you do not care, it means that slowly you start to adjust and look forward instead of back into the past. It also does not mean that you no longer remember. I do not believe that any parent forgets. It means that you can look back with fondness and care and not anguish and pain. It means that you are moving forward, beyond this terrible past and into something fresh and new. Letting go is a sieving process. It means leaving the worst of the past behind you and keeping the best as tender loving memories.

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