Page 1 - 10 Jokes

• "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

  Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"

• The blind school set off on their annual day outing to the beach. When dinner time arrived the teachers decide that it was time to eat. So the coach pulled into a service station. Everybody got off of the coach to stretch their legs and admire the scenery.
  While the teachers are taking the blind kid's orders, one of the teachers noticed that the group were becoming bored, so he took a ball out for them to have a game of football with.(They play with a ball with a bell in it.) The teachers start them off with a game of football on the grassy area, then they go to get the food for the group. While the teachers are at the supermarket the coach driver comes running in. The teachers ask "what's wrong?".

  He goes "I dunno what's happened but the students are kicking the of shit out of the Morris dancers!"

• A housewife came home from her bridge game to find her husband in bed with a young woman. The wife bellowed "What's going on here?!?" The husband said "Now, honey, don't get excited. This girl was hitch hiking, so I offered her a ride. She hadn't anything to eat all day so I brought her home to feed her. I noticed her clothes were torn so I gave her that old pair of jeans that you don't wear. Her blouse was in bad shape, so I gave her that shirt you haven't worn in five years. She was barefooted so I gave her those sandals that you never wear.

  And then she asked me, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

• A man went to prison for the first time. He was in a cell with another man, and just as the lights were turned out in the evening he heard somebody from another cell shout out "THIRTY-ONE!". All of a sudden everybody in the cell block burst out with laughter. Then another voice shouted "FIFTY-SIX!". Again everybody burst out with laughter. The man was puzzled as to what was going on, so he turned to his cell mate and asked: "Why is it, when somebody shouts out a number, everybody bursts out with laughter?"

  His cell mate replied: "Well, you see, down in the prison library we have a joke book that contains every joke ever told. And we've all been in here so long we've all memorized all the jokes. So now, when anybody wants to tell a joke, they just have to shout out the page number from the book."

  The man thought about this and decided that he would have a look at this book. So the next day he went down to the prison library and read a few pages. He wrote down the numbers on a bit of paper because they were so good he wanted to tell them to the others later.

  That night, after lights out he shouted out "SEVENTY-SIX". He waited for laughter but there wasn't any. He tried another one. "TWENTY". Again silence. He couldn't understand why nobody was laughing. He asked his cell mate "Why is nobody laughing?"

  His cell mate replied "It's the way you tell them..."

• On a cold winter night three homeless men huddled together for a little warmth. In the morning the man on the right said: "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt that somebody was pulling my penis." "That's strange" said the man on the left. "I had exactly the same dream." The man in the middle then said...

  "I had a dream that I went skiing..."

• A man was on holiday in Spain for the first time. One evening he went to a small restaurant just by the side off the bull ring and he ordered his food. Just after he did this he noticed a man sitting on a table on the other side of the restaurant who was eating a dish that consisted of two giant meatballs covered in a rich in a sauce.

  The man called the waiter over and asked him what this dish was. In response the waiter told him that these were the testicles of the bull from the bull fight. In fact every day the restaurant served these up, and it was considered a delicacy in these parts.

  Excited by this news, the man said he would like to try some. Unfortunately there were none left, but the waiter told him that if he returned tomorrow they would keep him some.

  The next day arrived and the man walked back into the restaurant, and asked for the testicles from the bullfight. Quite soon they arrived, but the man was shocked to see that he received two tiny meatballs. He called the waiter over.

  He told the waiter about the giant meat balls yesterday, and showed him the small meatballs that he had got today, and in reply the waiter said:

  "I'm sorry, sir. But sometimes the bull wins..."

• Five reasons computers must be female:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
  3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  4. The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
  5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

• A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

  The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder", said the bus driver guy, "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

  Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from where he is hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."

  The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"

  The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"

• A young couple was invited to a Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

  The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

  She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action". She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

  Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done.

  He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

  But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"

• A Wife got home late from work, and found her husband lying down on the bed.

  She looks at him and says: "Take off my shoes!" "Yes darling." He replies, and takes off her shoes.

  "Take off my dress!" says the wife. "Yes darling." He says, and removes her dress.

  "Take off my bra and knickers!" she then says. "Yes darling." He replies, and takes them off.

  Then the wife says: "And don't let me catch you wearing them again!"

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