• A Dutchman and an American meet over drinks. They start of with Small talk to break the ice. After a few drinks the always touchy subject of Beer Quality comes up: The American said, politely: "Your beer is not bad, it's just that ours is better." The Dutchman, who has had a few already: "I don't quite know how to put it politely.... Grolsch beer is the best there is and Budweiser is a bit like, well, yes, a bit like making love in a canoe!" The American asked: "Making love in a canoe?"

  And the Dutchman replied: "Yes it's fucking close to water!"

• This panda bear walks into a bar. He orders the special, the vegetarian plate. He takes his time eating, and the bartender is rather amused with the fact he has a bear in his bar. The Panda bear finishes eating then pulls out a gun and shot the man next to him. The bartender gasps as the panda just walks towards the door. "Hey!" the bartender yells, "Where the hell are you going?" The panda replies "I'm a panda." "So what? You can't just shoot someone and leave! We have laws you know?"

  "Look it up."

  "I beg your pardon?"

  "Look it up in the dictionary."

  The panda then walks out. The man is still astonished and grabs his dictionary. He looks up 'Panda Bear' and this is what he sees:

  Panda - panda n. - 1. large black and white marked Chinese bear. Endangered species. Eats shoots and leaves.

• An old man was sitting on a park bench weeping and crying. A second man passing by stopped and asked what was wrong. The man crying answered: "Three months ago I met a beautiful 26 year old woman. I'm 78 years old. We hit it off so well she moved into my apartment with me. Every evening and every morning we make love. Not only that, but she cleans my apartment, cooks my meals and never asks for a thing." The passerby asked, "That sounds great, why are you crying?"

  The old man answered, "I can't remember where I live."

• A tourist drove up to a rundown old country store in Tennessee. There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in coveralls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the tourist asked. The old man replied, "Nope". So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him 16 times in both arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him off under the house, and the tourist was flailing around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

  The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."

• Why is a woman like a Kentucky fried chicken meal?

  By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

• Three Irishmen are standing in front of a wide river and thinking of how they could get to the other side. Suddenly a leprechaun appears in front of them and says each of them has one wish. So the first one says, "I wish I was a hundred times as smart as I am now." Then he cuts a tree and rows over the river.
  The second looks at that and says, "I wish I was one thousand times as smart as I am now." Then suddenly he jumps to the next group of trees, cuts them all and builds a boat. Then he sails over the river.
  The third one says, "Fine. I want to be a million times as smart as I am now."

  So he looks up, sees the bridge, and walks to the other side.

• A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a trans-atlantic flight. The flight was running smoothly until suddenly the plane lost control and began to plummet.

  The passangers were screaming and the woman thought it must be her last few minutes alive. So she turned to the man, ripped off her blouse and said "make me feel like a woman one more time".

  So the man rips off his shirt and says "here, iron this".

• A Doctor had just finished shagging one of his patients, and was feeling guilty.

  "It isn't really right that I shag my own patients", he said to himself one say. Just then, a voice in his head said;" oh, don't worry about it. Most doctors shag their patients...". The doctor felt a bit better, until another voice in his head said;

  "Yeah, but they're probably not vets..."

• Three old blokes were sitting on a bench, moaning about their old age. The first bloke goes; "You know, I have to get up at 6 o'clock every morning to take a piss, and nothing comes out for about half an hour"

  The second bloke goes; "thats nothing - I have to get up at 7 o'clock every morning just to do a shit, but nothing happens for about an hour"

  The last bloke goes; "yeah, I know what you mean. At 6 o'clock I piss like a stallion and at 7 o'clock I shit like a pig". The other two blokes say; "What's your problem then?"

  The last bloke goes; "I don't get up 'till 8 o'clock"

• A blind man and his dog were waiting to cross the road, when the dog lifted up his leg, and pissed all over the blind man's trousers. The blind man reached into his pocket and pulled out a doggy biscuit and started waving it around.

  A passer-by passed by and said to the blind man; "Did you know that your dog just pissed all over your leg?". "Yeah, I'm trying to teach him not to do that", said the blind man. "Well, it's none of my buisness, but it's not really a good idea to reward such bad behaviour"

  The blind man said; "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his arse"

Back to Jokes Page