Page 3 - yet 10 more Jokes!
- Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook".
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
- A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.
While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book."
The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"
- During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,
"Yours is".
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"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"
- A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
- At a fancy dress party a group of three guests were talking about their costumes. "I've come as Mickey mouse", said one, from behind a convincing Mickey mouse costume. "I've come as Tarzan" said the second, sporting an equally convincing Tarzan costume. The third man was wearing nothing but a pear of underpants. "What have you come as?" asked Mickey mouse and Tarzan.
"I'm a premature ejaculation", replied the man.
"How do you work that one out?" asked Mickey and Tarzan."Well, i've come in my pants".
- A religious man was sailing in the sea when a freak wave hit his boat and he was tossed into the water. He prayed to the Lord for help. After a while, another boat came past, and someone shouted out "don't worry! help is here! catch this rope!". However the man called back "You need not help me friend, for the Lord will save me". So the boat went away, and he prayed some more. Then another boat came, offered help, but the man again refused it, claiming that the Lord would save him. Finally a helecopter arrived, and the pilot shouted "Hang on, i'll throw you the ladder". But the man refused the aid because he said the Lord would save him.
Eventually the man drowned and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he met St. Peter and asked "Peter, why didn't the Lord save me".
St. Peter replied "He sent two boats and a helecopter, what more help could you want?" - A man who worked at a Pickle factory came home to his wife one day and said: "Darling, I've got a confession to make. I've got an un-controlable urge to put my
penis in the pickle slicer". He and his wife decided that this was quite a worring urge so he'd better go to some councilling sessions. They seemed to work, and everything seemed ok.
Two weeks later, the wife got a telephone call from the factory saying that her husband had been fired for putting his penis into the pickle slicer. When he got home that day, looking very glum, She cried "Oh Darling! What happened about the pickle slicer?".He replied, "Oh don't worry - She got fired too".
- One night, a young executive was working late, trying to impress his new boss. He stepped out of the office for a minute to get some coffee and saw his boss standing at the paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this damn thing?" his boss bellowed. The young man ran over and took the paper our of his hand. "Oh yes sir," He said. "It's quite simple." He then fed the piece of paper into the shredder.
"Thanks son", the boss said. "A couple of copies will be fine".
- An old man stumbles into the confessional and says "Father, I'm an 81 year old man and last night I made love to two 19-year old twins!". "Well", Replied the priest, "Are you married?".
"No Father".
"Have you remarried then?"
"No Father".
"Are you catholic?"
"No Father - I don't believe in religion."
"Then why are you telling me this son?"The old man replied:"If you made love with two 19-year old twins, wouldn't you be telling everyone?".