• Whats the difference between a woman and a battery?

  A battery has a positive side.

• Did you hear about the Frenchman from Paris who fell in the river?

  He went insane.

• Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this? " the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

  "Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

• Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

  "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

• A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."

  "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

• There was once a man who hadn't lead the best of lives, and when he died he went to hell. At the gates, sat a devil. The devil looked at the man and saw he looked a little glum, so called him over.
  "You look down. Don't worry though - hell isn't that bad".
  "Really?" said the man.
  "Really. We do all sorts of things here in hell. Do you drink?"
  "Oh yeah", replied the man. "I love a good drink!"
  "That's great!" said the devil. "Because on Mondays is drinking day. We drink all day non-stop. Whisky, vodka, rum, beer, lager - you name it we drink it on monday!".
  Then the devil said, "Do you like to smoke?"
  "Love it" said the man, who was looking less glum already.
  "Because on Tuesday is smoking day. We smoke all day Tuesday; 24-hours of fags and cigars and smoke-rings. If you like smoking, you'll enjoy Tuesday."
  Then the devil said, "Do you like gambling?"
  "Oh yeah, I used to gamble all my life!"
  "Well you're in luck!" said the devil, "because on Wednesday is our gambling day. We gamble all day long - horses, dogs, roulette, poker - anything. You wanna gamble, Wednesday's the day to do it!".
  Then the devil asked "Do you take drugs?"
  "Well... I do some" said the man, looking cheerful at this point. "Well you'll like Thursday then - thats our drugs day. We take drugs all day long, non-stop. Cannabis, cocaine, heroine, pills, injections the lot. You name it we take it on Thursday."
  Then the devil said, "Are you gay?"
  The man's faced turned to disgust. "No" he said.
  "Oh dear" said the devil. "You won't like Fridays then..."

• What do you call a vicar on a motorcycle?
  Rev.

• Did you hear about the Lesbian Dinosaur?
  Sukalotapus

• Where does Saddam Heusein keep his CD's?
  In a rack

• Why is Monica Lewinski so fat?
  Because she eats too much at work
  

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