Page 5 - 5 Jokes!
- Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last
week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the
time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so
intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, "What, are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with an ugly 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real bastard when you're drunk".
- This one's a bit different. Its a real-life telephone conversation between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in
Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic
Review. You need to say it out loud to really appreciate it.
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to oder sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy,pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An Santos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "Santos. July Santos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine"
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "Your welcome" - In 60's America, a bus driver was driving a bus along a main road, with a load of white and black kids in the back.
He could see in the mirror that they were all fighting and swearing at each other and making a real row. After a few mintues the bus driver got really pissed off and pulled over on the hard shoulder.
"Right! Everyone out!". All the kids filed out onto the road. "Look for goodness sake I'm fed up of you all fighting all the time, can't you just get on? Can't you put your petty differences aside?". It looked like they had taken his message on board so he decided to let them back on.
"Ok can we have white kids at the front and black kids at the back please".
-
Two genies were talking after a hard day's work. The first genie turns to the second and says "Grant any wishes today?".
"Yeah actually, there was this bloke. He made some strange wishes".
"Tell me about them", said the first.
"Well his first wish was for booze, so I magiced up a couple of thousand bottles for him".
"Very nice" said the first genie. "What did he wish for his second wish?".
"He wished for women, and so I made beautiful women appear as far as the eye could see".
"They're pretty bog-standard wishes. I thought you said he made some strange ones".
The second genie replied, "He did - his last wish was to be strangled!".
The first genie remarked "That is strange! How did he word it?"
The second genie said: "He said he wanted to be hung like a black man". - A man was walking down Brighton seafront after a blazing row with his girlfriend. In his fustration, he kicked an empty bottle on the floor and out popped a genie.
"Thank you!", said the genie, "I have been trapped in there for ages so now I shall grant you a wish; what would you like".
"I want to go to Barbados" said the man, angrily. "Its hot, and miles away from here".
"No problem!", said the genie, "I'll put you on the next flight!".
"Oh you can't do that!", said the man, "I'm afraid of heights".
"Oh. Ok", said the genie. "I'll put you on the next luxury cruiseboat!"
"Oh you can't do that either", said the man, "I get very seasick".
A little irritated now, the genie said "Well how do you want to get to Barbados then?"
"I want to drive", said the man. "I want you to build me a motorway all the way to Barbados!".
The genie replied "Sorry I just can't do that. It will take ages and there are all sorts of costs and everyone will find out about my special powers and I'll never get any time to myself. Please just wish for something else instead.".
The man was disappointed, but a bit calmer now. "Ok" said the man, "I wish I would understand women so I can understand why my girlfriend is cross with me".
Quickly, the genie said "Would you like five lanes or three?" - Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Slyvester Stallone were all sitting around a table when a director walks in.
"Right you lot!", says the director, "I want you guys to help me out in making a film all about the Great Composers". They all agreed that this was a good idea and all voluenteered to take part.
"Ok guys", said the director, "Who would you like to play?".
Stallone grumbles in his growling voice "I want to be Mozart".
Van Damme goes "Well I'd like to be Beethoven".
Arnie leans over the table and says "I'll be Bach"