How to stay below BCF 100
(or 1400 elo)            

Do you find that sometimes, just sometimes, you capture more pieces than you lose?

In congresses, do you find yourself having to make that long walk to the controllers table to hand in yet another win?

Is your grade climbing with no signs of ever falling again?

Well this page is for you!

Say goodbye to triple figure bcf misery!
Get your elo grade down to an amazing three figures! 
Regain the respect of your fellow patzers!

Read through the rules below and collect your lifetime's membership of the Novices section!!

  Clocks - Yes, that's right, your preparation begins even before you get to the board. A true patzer will always ferociously examine the clock. Now, don't rush to pick it up, no sir. Approach it slowly, look at it with a puzzled sort of scowl on your face. Then lower your head down to the board and minutely examine the minute hand. Once these two stages have been completed, you may then safely pick up the clock. Screw one eye up completely as you adjust the minute hand a couple of microns one way or the other to make sure the time is atomically accurate. Remember, every second is precious, after you have blundered your queen in the first five minutes you will be grateful that you have the full four hour time limit, and not one second less,  to try and turn the game around. 

But our workout with the clock doesn't stop there - remember the clock must be wound! How many times have we played in a game, or witnessed one where it all ends in chaos because the clocks stop halfway through it and the players don't notice. So it is vitally important to wind the clock. Not just a couple of turns - go for it! - wind that baby up until the winder just wont turn any more, and then give it a twist until the winder starts to buckle. If you pick up a clock and it seems fully wound, i.e. the winder won't move, it may just be stiff so pump those arm muscles and really force that winder round just to make sure. Years of vigorous clock shaking and winding will give you a physique to be proud of, and you will soon be able to stand up to those train spotters who call you a chess geek!

En passant - you must ALWAYS capture en passant. This shows your opponent that you know the rule and so gives the impression that you are a good player. En passant moves must also be made immediately, as they 'go cold' if you sit and think over them for too long. If your opponent has to wait for longer than one minute for you to move and then you capture en passant, he can then claim it is an illegal move. You can then dispute this. You can only resolve the dispute by returning to the score sheet and examining the past few moves, but every true patzer should always have a score sheet that is hopelessly wrong after the fifth move. 

 Combinations. Be on the lookout for these. Combinations win games by winning material. So always capture a piece if you can. If your mate-with-two-pieces plan doesn't work, then you can always win on material. Remember to be on the lookout for combinations from your opponent, the trick is to remember that the piece that moved last is the threatening piece. Concentrate all your attention on that piece!

               The unexpected move.  If your opponent gets his head down and starts thinking, try tutting and rolling your eyes as if the next move is totally obvious and why oh why are you stuck here having to play this patzer. If he insists on having a big long think and then plays an extremely strong move that you haven't seen, then here's what to do. Don't be phased!  Bang out your move as quickly as possible as if you had seen it all along. If he then plays another crushing move, again, bang out your reply instantly, hey! we're not going to be pushed around here! Repeat the procedure until checkmated.

Fianchettoed bishops. These are rubbish. Never fianchetto a bishop. Fianchettoing just puts them out of the game, they are buried on b2 and g2 and as we know, the centre is always choked up with pieces so there is no way the bishops can get active. If you find your self playing against fianchettoed bishops you can just ignore them and use the two tempi that your opponent uses to really get your attack going.

Attacking, do it quickly and do it first! Go for your opponent right from the start. Two pieces is enough to mate, so that's all you need, I recommend a queen and a bishop delivering mate on the f7 square.

Openings. Dead easy these , just play whatever Kasparov plays or at least as many moves as you can remember! Don't be afraid to try a different move order, or even better, why not try a completely new move that you've just thought of.

Scoresheets.  Some players write their games down, then use their scoresheets to replay the game and study it, often with the help of a stronger player. Don't fall into this trap! As previously mentioned, your scoresheet should be hopelessly wrong after about five moves, so it should be of no use to you when you take it home, However I have found that the best policy is to play safe, don't take your scoresheet home in the first place, leave it next to your board, along with a banana skin and empty Lilt can. If all else fails, just throw it on the floor and wipe your feet on it.