Smile !

I now spend so much time on this computer, my wife Susan has installed this new seat for me ! Is she trying to tell me something ?

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any !

Two television aerials meet on a roof, fall in love then get married.

The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant !

Patient  -    "Doctor, I can't stop singing "The green, green grass of home ".

Doctor  -     "That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome ".

Patient  -    "Is it common ?"

Doctor  -    "Well . . . . . . . . . . .It's not unusual . . . . . . . . . !"

One evening, a family bring their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her there, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and seat her by a window overlooking a flower garden. She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once again bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
They ask, "So Mum how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

When it comes to the tourist game, nobody tops the Scot.

The Italian, the English, and the French attract thousands of visitors every year to see things like the Spanish Steps or the Tower of London, or the Champ Elysee. Not the thrifty Scotsman. He has built his tourist industry on things that don't exist !

Instead of the Mona Lisa ( which costs money to keep housed, cleaned, guarded, etc. ), the Scotsman tells you to come to the Highlands and NOT see a mythical village called Brigadoon, a make-believe place that emerges out of the mists every 100 years or so for a single day and then disappears again.

The advantages of Brigadoon are obvious. Since it doesn't exist, the Scottish Tourist people can say it doesn't exist in any of several locations throughout the countryside. But the French with their Mona Lisa are stuck with Paris as their chief tourist centre. They can't say the Mona Lisa is in Calais, when any darn fool knows it's in the Louvre.

Besides a village that doesn't exist, the Scots have built a brisk industry around a monster that doesn't exist - the Loch Ness monster - I myself have detoured hundreds of miles out of my way on the way home from London where I saw Big Ben, Westminster Abbey and the rest, in order to tell the folks back home I went to Loch Ness and didn't see the monster ! Not only didn't I see the Loch Ness monster, I spent two days not seeing him, which is longer than I dallied in front of Rembrandt's Night Watch in Amsterdam.

The best place not to see the monster is a place called Urquhart Castle, where the guide

( after I had spent the admission fee ) admitted he hadn't seen the monster either !

That's the awful part of the Scot - his honesty !
He doesn't even pretend there's a Loch Ness monster, not after you've booked a room or bought a boat ticket !!

Besides a town and a monster that are non-existent, the Scots are particularly proud of their scenery, which is also a figmant of some tour guide's imagination. Oh it's probably there alright - but nobody sees it because of the weather.
We were on a tour bus on Edinburgh's harbour on a foggy afternoon, and you couldn't see the driver at the front of the coach. That didn't daunt him, "Ladies and Gentlemen." he began, "you are looking at one of the finest views in the World. If it wasn't raining at the moment and very misty, you'd see a wee island just where my finger is pointing" we couldn't even see his finger, "another one over there, and behind them, some of the most marvellous hills in the World !" We all craned our necks, "There are probably beautiful ships in the harbour right now, and the water is so blue and clear it looks like a jewel." I thought I could see the water through the windshield wipers, but it turned out to be the rain, not the harbour.

Unfortunately I also missed the view from Edinburgh Castle ("unequalled in Europe on a sunny day". I did see the house where John Calvin may, or may not have lived during his teaching career ("If he didn't live in this house, he lived near this house.")

There are so many things NOT to see in Scotland.
It took me over a week not to see them.

Scotland sure knows a tourist attraction when it doesn't see one !

A woman rings her husband at home to tell him she's won the jackpot on the lottery and that he'd better start packing.
"Darling that's wonderful !" he shouts with glee. "Where are we going ?"
"I'm not bothered," she replied. "Just make sure you're gone by the time I get home."

Flo's husband dies and because he was such a popular fella, she decides to put an announcement in the paper. But not having much money, she tells the local newspaper she wants to keep it as short as possible. "Just put 'Ben Potts dead'."
"Actually Madam, you can have up to six words for the same price. Is there anything else you would like to add ?"
Flo thinks for a few moments, then says, "Yes, OK, can you add 'Ferret for sale'?"

Ireland's worst air disaster happened last night when a small two seater plane crashed into a cemetery near Dublin.
So far rescue workers have recovered 1896 bodies and expect the number to rise as digging continues into the night.

A rich couple lost all their money, and were trying to think of ways to save money. The husband said to his wife, "If you learned to cook, we could get rid of the housekeeper."
And she retorted, "If you were better in bed, we could get rid of the gardener."

During World War Two an officer walked over to a soldier and asked him if the Australians had arrived yet, the soldier replied, "yes, thats them over there". The officer walked over to the Australian group and said to one young soldier, "soldier, have you come here to die", the young soldier replied, "no, I came here yester-die".

BAR JOKES

This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to drink. As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a little man about 12" tall. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.
The bartender says, "wow", he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?"
The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.."
So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?"
The guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."
So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.
She says, "I will grant you one wish, and one wish only."
So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."
The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks."
And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"

A guy walks into a pub with a giraffe under one arm. He walks over to the bar, places the giraffe on the floor, and orders a beer. The barman gets the guy his drink and then says "You can't leave that lying there!". At this comment the guy replies "It's not a lion it's a giraffe."

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.

Unfortunately, one was a salted !

Woman walks into a bar with a dog under her arm

barman - Where'd you get the pig?
woman - That's not a pig, it's a dog!
barman - I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the dog.

MEDICAL JOKES

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor "is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?" So the doctor says "yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".
"Viagra" says the poor guy, " how will that help my sunburn?". "It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"

A Scotsman was marrying an English girl and mindful that he did not want to upset the guests from south of the border, he decided to wear something under his kilt.
He went along to the outfitters and bought six yards of his own tartan which were to be made up into special tartan underpants.
The day before the wedding, the pants were ready and delivered to his home. "You bought too much," said the seamstress, "so there's three yards over which you can keep until you need it."
The day of the wedding dawned. The Scotsman was unbelievably nervous. So much so, that he forgot to put on his brand new tartan underpants. Anyway, it didn't matter. The day was a great success.
That night, once the festivities were over, the newly married couple retired to the honeymoon suite. The groom was fairly drunk by this time and lifted his kilt high in the air to show his new wife his brand new tartan underpants --- forgetting that he hadn't put them on that morning.

"What do you reckon to that?" he said proudly. "I bet you've not seen anything like that before?"
She gasped with delight.
"Oh lovely!" she said.
The groom smiled with satisfaction.
"Well" he says, "there's another three yards of this at home !"

I had just arrived home with my brand new car, my family came out to have a look, then it happened, a seagull flew over and made a massive deposit on the roof of the car.
The utter silence was broken by my son who said, "I'll go in and get some toilet paper Dad " -- I said " Don't be stupid, the seagull will be miles away by now " !

I Can't Remember !

Just a line to say I'm living
That I'm not among the dead
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And mixed up in my head.

I've got used to the arthritis
To my dentures I'm resigned
I can manage my bifocals
But, God, I miss my mind.

For sometimes I can't remember
When I'm standing on the stair
If I must go up for something
Or have I just come down from there.

And before the fridge so often
My poor mind is filled with doubt
Have I put some food away
Or come to take some out.

And there is a time when it is dark
With my nightcap on my head
I don't know if I'm retiring
Or have I just got out of bed.

So if it's my turn to write to you
There's no need for getting sore
I may think that I have written
And don't want to be a bore.

So remember that I love you
And wish that you were near
But now it's nearly mail time
So I must say goodbye my dear.

Now I stand beside the mailbox
With a face so very red
Instead of mailing my latest letter
I have opened it instead.

How to know you are growing older.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eye is from your bifocals.
You feel like the night before, but you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing cards.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You join a health club but don't go.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You need glasses to find your glasses.
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair, but can't get it going.
Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You have too much room in the house, but not enough room in the medicine chest.
You sink your teeth into a burger and they stay there.

Did you here about the man who entered his prize sheep at the local pet show ?

He got three months !

The Mother Superior, and a young nun are driving back from the village one night, when the Devil jumps onto the bonnet of their car. The Mother Superior grabs for the chain round her neck, and says to the young nun "Quick, Stick your head out of the window and show him your cross !"

So the young nun winds down the window, sticks her head out and shouts,

" Get off my bonnet you Bastard !"

Just for the ladies, seasons greetings. (select "OPEN") and take your pick.

This is truly beautiful, Under water birth. (select "OPEN")

Both Files Require Microsoft Powerpoint Application

And Finally -- Show some Pity --- " The Unfortunate "

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