| He said, "I'm going to chop off the bottom
of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I
thought, "That'll be turn-up for the books." |
| Apparently, 1 in every 5 people in the world are
Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's not me and I don't reckon it's my mum or my dad. Maybe
it's my older brother Colin. It might be my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu,
but I think it's Colin. |
| Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to
the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" |
| I saw this bloke in the high street and the back
of his anorak was flicking up and down, and people were chucking
money to him. I said "Do you earn a living doing that?"
He said "Yes, this my lively hood." |
| Somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "PARKING
FINE." That was nice. |
| Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one
and let the other one off. |
| The pet shop owner told me that only one of the
budgies was for sale. I asked him why and he told me the others
were all on higher perches. |
| If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos,
then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness
of the situation. |
| A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly
responded, "Now, settle down; you'll just have to be a little
patient." |
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on
his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made
him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. |
| I rang up a local building firm, and said 'I want
a skip outside my house tomorrow.' He said 'I'm not stopping
you.' |
| The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the ability to reach it. |
The landlady leaned out of the upstairs window.
I called up, "I want to stay here the night!"
"Stay there then," she said, and shut the window. |
| One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. |
| Two fat blokes where in a pub, and one said to
the other "your round." The other one said "so
are you!" |
