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| "Death of a
Director........" A
famous director, having died of late, arrives at the Pearly Gates. He is greeted by St.
Peter, who is delighted to see him.
Peter: Great! We were waiting for you! God's producing a
show, and we need a director.
Director: No, no, no! I am done! I have been directing for
thirty years and I want to rest. Eternally. Get someone else.
Peter: But you don't understand. We have a script by
Shakespeare.
Director: Sounds great... I'll see it opening night. I won't
do it.
Peter: Our set design is a collaborative effort between
Leonardo da Vinci and M.C. Escher.
Director: Well, I really do need some time off. Maybe next
time.
Peter: It's a Bach score! C'mon, you've gotta do it!
Director: You tempt me, Peter...
Peter: Here's the clincher. You've got an open budget, a tech
crew known for getting stuff in early, and all the audition material you could dream of.
Director: Okay, okay. I'll do it. Where's the stage manager?
Peter: Over there. But first, there is something I have to
tell you. You see, God's got a girlfriend, like, and she sings... |
| "Changing
Rooms.......?" A
Stagehand and a Lighting Designer stood under the same falling truss, and both were
killed.
They arrived in heaven together (all techies go to heaven...), and
at the doorstep, St. Peter shook their hands and asked for their last wishes.
The LD was the quickest of the two, and said:
" In all my life, I've always dreamt of the
complete darkness. Could you please turn off all the lights for just one second?"
St. Peter said that it might be difficult, but
he turned on his headset and asked God if he could take down the grand master for a
second. Fortunately, God was in the mood that day, due to enough coffee at the
light-console, so he tapped the DBO key. It went far beyond dark for a single second, but
when the light turned back on, heaven was gone as the stagehand had changed the scenery... |
|
| "Terms of Engagement...?"
In is down, down is front
Out is up, up is back
Off is out, on is in
And of course-
Left is right and right is left
A drop shouldn't and a
Block and fall does neither
A prop doesn't and
A cove has no water
Tripping is OK
A running crew rarely gets anywhere
A purchase line buys you nothing
A trap will not catch anything
A gridiron has nothing to do with football
Strike is work (In fact a lot of work)
And a green room, thank god, usually isn't
Now that you're fully versed in Theatrical terms,
Break a leg.
But not really. |
Panic Guarantee....!!! 1/3 of the way through the opening show, very softly, no
emotion, no sarcasm, not sure which headset it came from........ This comment is sure to
put the Stage Manager in panic.
"....................................uh-oh" |
Signs
You've Been in the Theatre Too Much: |
1. Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday.
2. "Q" is not just a letter.
3. National holidays that fall on Monday seem pointless to you.
4. You know more than one theory for the origin of the name "green room."
5. You can only read from a light that is blue.
6. You consider the red part of the stoplight the "standby."
7. You can't remember what daylight looks like.
8. You feel naked without your keys attached to your belt loop, or your belt without your
Maglite, Leatherman, and Gerber.
9. You know tie-line has several uses---shoelaces, belts, ponytail holders...
10. 95% of your wardrobe is black.
11. You watch the Super Bowl, waiting for intermission, not half-time.
12. You tell more stories of what went wrong on shows you've done than what went smoothly.
13. You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop.
14. You know anything can be fixed with gaff tape, Mortite, sculpt-er-coat, a sharpie,
tie-line, and a safety pin. |
15. Your diet consists of fast food or microwaved food.
16. Your Halloween costume in some way utilizes running blacks and gaff tape.
17. Varying your diet means ordering the #2 instead of the #3 or eating with your left
hand instead of your right.
18. You understand the jokes in Forbidden Broadway.
19. You insist on spelling "theatre" with an "re" not an
"er".
20. People recognize you by the sound of your keys jingling down the hallway.
21. Going to a restaurant means ordering and sitting down in McDonald's rather than the
drive-thru.
22. You'd heard of Mandy Patinkin before he was on Chicago Hope.
23. "Practical" and "flat" are nouns.
24. Instead of saying that you're leaving, you say you're "exiting."
25. At home, you "strike" your dishes to the kitchen.
26. If someone asks you what time it is, you respond with something like, "Half hour
'til half hour." |
|
The
Abbey Theatre & Arts Centre
