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Things you shouldn't say .........!
1. Why are the lights not coming on?
2. Does anyone remember where I got this fuse from?
3. Well I have a safety chain and a wingnut left over. Can anyone see a problem here?
4. I have just spilt coke on the lighting desk.
5.What does this "delete scenes" thing mean?
6. You remember that key for the light dimmers that we were going to duplicate,well its too late now.
7. You do know you are taking 26 amps from a 13 amp socket.
8. Is that hum supposed to come from the PA when the lights turn on? Oh dont worry its stopped now.
9. You know that no-colour blue - it's green.
10. You know we just spent two days rigging 86 lights? Well everytime I turn on the lights it trips the circuit breaker.
11.Don't panic but.....
12.Oh - I knew there was something I had forgotton.

.....or that you WON'T hear said......!
At The Technical Rehearsal

13. It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
14. Take your time setting back.
15. There's plenty of room for more lanterns over here.
16. We've been ready for hours.
17. The head-sets are working perfectly.
18. The cue lights are working perfectly.
19. I can't hear the band.
20. The band have no complaints.
21. The whole company are standing by whenever you want them.
22. That didn't last long.

By The Actor

23. Don't let's talk about me.
24. I really think my big scene should be cut.
25. This costume is so comfortable.
26. I love my shoes.
27. No problem - I can do that for myself.
28. No problem. I have a fantastic agent.
29. I have no prospects of wrok for the forseeable future.
30. Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.

By The Stage Crew.

31. That lantern is not in the way.
32. It may take a moment - I want to be sure the booms haven't been knocked.
33. We'll get in early tomorrow and do it.
34. No, no. I'm sure that's our job.
35. Anything I can do to help?
36. All the tools are carefully locked away.
37. Can we do that scene change again please?
38. It's a marvellous show.
39. I don't need this many on the crew.
40. Thanks, but I don't drink.

By The Electrics Crew.

41. I must mend the kettle in the publicity office.
42. This equipment is more complicated than we need.
43. Of course I can operate sound from here.
44. Be sure to keep that lantern away from the flying pieces.
45. No problem.I'll do that straight away.
46. All the equipment is working perfectly.
47. That had nothing to do with the computer - it was my fault.
48. I have all the equipment I need.
49. Thanks, but I don't drink.
50. MACBETH.

Pecking Order!

Producer:

  • Leaps Tall Buildings In A Single Bound
  • Is More Powerful Than A Locomotive
  • Is Faster Than A Speeding Bullet
  • Walks On Water
  • Gives Policy To God

Director:

  • Leaps Short Buildings In A Single Bound
  • Is More Powerful Than A Switch Engine
  • Is Just As Fast As A Speeding Bullet
  • Walks On Water If The Sea Is Calm
  • Talks With God

Playwright:

  • Leaps Short Buildings With A Running Start
  • Is Almost As Powerful As A Switch Engine
  • Is Faster Than A Speeding BB
  • Swims Well
  • Is Occasionally Addressed By God

Actor:

  • Makes High Marks On The Wall When Trying To Leap Buildings
  • Is Run Over By Locomotives
  • Can Sometimes Handle A Gun Without Inflicting Self-Injury
  • Dog Paddles
  • Talks To Animals

Technicians:

  • Runs Into Buildings
  • Recognizes Locomotives Two Out Of Three Times
  • Is Not Issued Ammunition
  • Can Stay Afloat With A Life Preserver
  • Talks To Walls

Chorus member:

  • Falls Over Doorsteps When Trying To Enter Buildings
  • Says, "Look At The Choo-Choo!"
  • Wets Self With A Water Pistol
  • Plays In Mud Puddles
  • Mumbles To Self

Stage Manager:

  • Lifts Buildings And Walks Under Them
  • Kicks Locomotives Off The Track
  • Catches Speeding Bullets In Teeth And Eats Them
  • Freezes Water With A Single Glance
  • IS God!
And a few things overheard during actual performances....

House Elec: "What are they going to do next?"
Road Stage Manager: "Hell if I know"
-----
"My boyfriend taught me about lighting. You need six dimmers."
-----
"Oh, Oh. They sold the spit seats. I mean the pit seats."
-----
"Owww! It's shocking me!"
"Well don't touch it again."
"Owww! It's shocking me!"
-----
"It's easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission."
-----
CRASH! "Oh great! Now they know were back here!"
-----
"My God!! There's blood everywhere!"
-----
"Go to Frame zero."
-----
"If you don't know what it is you can't sit on it."
-----
"How much electricity can there be?"
-----
"So you don't do much rock and roll lighting, do you?"
-----
"They're on Chinese time. Five hundred years isn't that long."
-----
"We knew what we were doing. We just did it wrong."
-----
"If you cut them one at a time, it doesn't matter"
-----
"We need adult supervision!"
-----
"If you use two it will make it fuller"
-----
"The homeless guys will have dinner tonight"
-----
"There's always room for more gobo's!"
-----
"I like that you talk and never think!" from Neil Simons' Proposals.
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"The crew finally got it all put together. The problem is they forgot where they put it."

 

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Last modified: 15-Jul-2008