Hello and welcome,

My name is Adam and I have the great honour of being Ian’s best man on this joyous occasion. A wise man once told me that a best man’s speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love………thank you! (Sit Down )

Just kidding; and there are plenty more where that came from. Firstly on behalf of Ian and Penny I would like to thank little Olivia. Can I just say, Olivia you look beautiful and I am sure everybody in the room will agree when I say you have done a fantastic job today and I would like a dance later… if mummy says it is okay.

I have known Ian now for almost five years. We first met when Ian decided to return to College from the Navy to continue his education in order that he may achieve great things. I don’t know if it was coincidence, fate or simple bad luck on my part that we both choose the same subjects and lessons forcing me to see him six hours a day, every day.

Give or take a few hours towards the end of the course, actually, give or take six hours!

Despite the fact we had grown up in the same community together, attended the same junior and senior schools this was the first time we had crossed paths and I can honestly say that I am glad we final did, Ian.

I don’t know if it was shared interests, similar age, the fact we lived so close, or the fact Ian needed a role model around which to base his life but in the early days of September 1998 a friendship was born. This friendship has blossomed over the last five years and I anticipate it may have a few more years to come.

After five years however, the asset that is our friendship has begun to mature, and with that maturity comes dividend. Not only do I get Mr Mills but now there is also Mrs Penny Mills, and I am sure you will agree when I say Penny, you look one in a million today, and Ian, won in a raffle.

Ladies and Gentlemen like an Asda Price two for one special offer I can’t help but feel like one of the luckiest people in the world. You will have to agree with me when I say, like sweet and sour they are quite a wonderful match.

When Ian asked me to be his best man I did not take the role lightly, oh no! I have spent hours researching my role and other speeches from which to cut and paste. After the first hour, or five, of trawling through the internet I finally found what I really wanted, unfortunately I can't talk about it here because of the children present. But if you would like a list of those sites see me at the bar later.

From my research I have concluded several things; firstly I am responsible for a lot more that was first told, secondly I had a responsibility to make sure Ian was ready and looking his best for the three o’clock ceremony and thirdly a 50% success rate is not that bad!

The following items are an apparent must for the best man;

1) Bring a cheque book or credit card to cover any unexpected payments. Unfortunatly I have just finished University and my credit card would be no use in an establishment such as this my friends. This is why, ladies and gentlemen, should you see this envelope (a big envelope with “donations” written on it was shown) at any time during the night, you will realise that such an unexpected payment has occurred and I ask you to all give generously.

2) Ensure the groom is smart, looking his best and stays clean and tidy throughout the day– Here I would like to quote from Mrs Trish Mills – “Rome wasn’t built in a day”, or as I say, in Ian’s case – “Bognor will never be Rome!”

3) Make sure the groom has his fly fastened – I’m afraid that’s a level to which our friendship does not stretch

4) Ensure all ex-girlfriends are kept at bay – I am reliably informed that Dolly is out grazing in the field at the moment, blissfully unaware, Ian, that you are getting married

Now, I am unsure how much Penny’s guest know about Ian, and also Ian’s guest know about Penny so I feel it is my duty to serve a short introduction too them both and perhaps give light to a few things you might not otherwise have known.

Ian Jeffrey Mills was born January 21st 1981 in Sandton Clinic located in Randburg, South Africa and I am reliable informed he was fully potty trained by November 1982.

Ian was a child of happy disposition often spending hours around the pool and eating BBQ’s with his parents and friends in the South African sun. His love of nice (often expensive) things was first aroused during his attendance at the Ferndale Private Day Nursery. Indeed Ian always had an eye for the lavish luxury’s in life, he was often absent from his parents humble red boat as he opted for riding in the bigger, faster speed boat owed by the neighbours.

Coupled with Ian’s lavish tastes was his embellishment in the truth. Jeff related a memory to me of a new car he had purchased; a Jetta with fuel injection and low profile tyes. Ian spotted his dad’s new toy and quickly related it to his friends, unfortunately the message got a little confused along the way and Ian could be heard proudly announcing to his mates “my dad had a new car with fuel injected tyres”.

Ian, Samantha, Jeff and Trish all returned to the UK for the final time in 1990 where Ian begin his new life in Mickleover and began attending Ravensdale Junior School. During this time, the influence television had had on his life, was beginning to show. Among his favourite programs were the Simpsons, McGiver and the ‘A’ Team. Ian was once reprimanded at the front of class for saying to his teacher “Don’t have a cow man!”.

Throughout his late childhood Ian had always wanted a McGiver Knife. As a quick reminder, this was the knife that could make anything, even a nuclear bomb. If we consider Ian “new” car this seems like a sensible tool to have!

Like many children it was often never Ian’s fault. This of course was a difficult excuse to uphold when Ian once inscribed his own name with a sharp objective into the side of his Dad’s car.

Ian never did quite have his head above water and after his time and Landau Forte College he joined the Navy as a submariner and that ladies and gentlemen should have you up to date.

Trish, Jeff and Samantha wish Ian, Penny and their new family all the love and luck in the world. Trish in particular sees this matrimony as a blessing as for the first time ever, after Ian had met Penny, did she receive a real bunch of flowers on Mothers day instead of her usual bunch of carefully picked daffodils from the local common that Ian retrieved on Mothers Day morning whilst walking the dog.

Now, I did promise you a small introduction on Penny and SMALL it is! Penny seems to have close bunch of friends who secrets are closely guarded as I was unable to uncover much dirt. I was however able to find out this; Penny Goodwin was born July 27th 1981. She was born in Babbington Hospital in Belper. Penny spend her early years in Heage a small village between Belper and Derby.

Penny described herself as the perfect the child, never any trouble, although it does seem like she was the type of child who liked to get her own way. Are you taking note of this Ian?

Penny related to me a memory of the time her little pet guinea pig had bitten her, so like the good disciplinarian that she was, she starved it! Now, my mother used to breed guinea pigs and I know that the biggest ones are no more than a foot in length and I find it difficult that such an animal could pose such threat to a human. So I warn you now Ian, it is important you remember always the three little words that a women needs to hear… You’re right dear.

Penny’s friends have described her as a caring, conscientious, family orientated person. Although the arrival of Olivia came as a bit of a surprise Olivia is now Penny’s world, she is indeed her everything. With the addition of Mr Mills into the equation, friends believed Penny has never been happier.

Indeed the same can be said for Mr Mills, whom I have never seen so happy and if we consider Penny and Olivia it is not hard to see why. It is customary that during such a speech I offer some words of advice and although I don’t have any personal experience in this area I may have found a little poem that might help.

The poem describes the difference between a man and a women, it is called Mood’s.

MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk; At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, but most of all, she'll love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN
Horny.
Hungry

My only other piece of advice is, Ian, if you want an easy way to remember your wedding anniversary, forget the first one!

Anyway on a serious note I’d like to say a few words about some very important people without whom today just wouldn’t be the same… Ladies & Gentlemen , please raise your glasses to….The bar staff!

Ladies and Gentlemen, before we make the toast I would like to read out a few cards and messages which have been sent to Ian and Penny today:

(Messages were read from those unable to attend)

And a final message for Penny….

Dear Penny,
Good luck on your wedding day, and hope you spend many happy years together. But I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently.
Love George Clooney

And now a final one for Ian….

Dear Ian,
Always remember the good times we had, and who knows maybe we will get the chance to do it again some time?
Love George Michael

Now I apologise if it seems I have been a little soft on Ian today but I may need him to return the favour one day and he expressed his concern about me relating stories such as the time we walked back from Time Night Club, let me tell you, the grass didn’t need watering for a few weeks after that!

It doesn’t take cupid to spot the love and happiness in the eyes of those sitting in front of you today, Ian and Penny, I like everyone else would like to wish you all the future happiness in the world and Ian, thank you for giving me the opportunity of being your best man.

Finally, along with the bride and groom I would like to thank Trish, Jeff, Martin and Joan for their help and support in organising this special day. Once again I would like to thank Olivia for a wonderful job, and don’t be forgetting that dance!

With out further ado it now gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Ian and Penny, the new Mr and Mrs Mills. Ladies and Gentlemen.

The Bride and Groom.