POINTLESS VIEWS

When you're as perfect as the BBC keeps telling us it is, you should of course never get complaints. Yet, for some strange reason, there are still people who write into the BBC and dare to be less than complimentary about their output. Do they think they're paying for it or something? This memo, parts of which are already in operation, shows the BBC plan for dealing with such ingrates.

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From: Gavvy (gavyndavies@tonyscronies.com)

To: Gregsy (gregdyke@tonyscronies.com)

Subject: Getting rid of Points of View

Dearest Comrade,

Delighted to see you at Chequers last weekend - at least, to see you when we both got our tongues out from our Leader's rear orifice. I have finalized the plan for dealing with that annoying legacy from the days when the BBC (sometimes) listened to people, namely Points of View. To drop the programme outright would be very unpopular. I suggest the following method of slow strangulation:

1) Give the programme a new presenter, one who no-one takes seriously. I suggest some idiot like Terry Wogan.

2) In case people get used to their new presenter, send him on regular holidays (at licence-payers' expense, just like ours). Replace him with loads of different nonentities.

3) Put the programme into the Sunday afternoon graveyard slot.

4) Make sure it's never on at the same time two weeks running.

5) Take it off the air any time anything unusual is on (live sport, for example).

6) Extend the programme to 15 minutes, but then arrange frequent overruns of the programme before, so it always has to be shortened.

7) Make sure lots of ads - sorry, trailers - are broadcast before and after it, cutting into its 'extended' timeslot.

8) Only feature letters about programmes we want to adver.. er, inform the public of the exciting opportunities to watch and enjoy.

9) Put in a trailer/clip of each of these wonderful programmes. A long one.

10) Only feature letters of complaint if they are really badly-written and/or inane.

11) Have our producers go on the show occasionally to explain why things are as they are (but only for things we have no intention of changing anyway).

After a few months, viewing figures should be so low that we can justify taking it off the air! As simple as Tony!

See you at the next No.10 bash. Long live our glorious Leader - and her husband!

Comrade Davies

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