THE OPEN ROAD

Many Americans think that England starts and ends with London. A few wise ones, however, hire a car and decide to drive around the country. The unwise ones try to drive in London, and are never seen again. For those who plan to explore our great little island, here is some useful information about travelling (or even traveling) by road.

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You do the math!

The UK has a population that is about one-fifth that of the USA, crammed into an island that is about one-fortieth the size. That means the population density (the number of people in a given area, not how thick they are) is EIGHT TIMES that of the States. Imagine your roads with eight times the traffic... and without any extra lanes above the standard three for the busiest roads! The variations between the four home countries are even greater; England, which makes up just over half the area of the UK, has around 85% of the total population. Thus journey times have to be revised up, and the effects of roadworks (which of course happen primarily in summer) and accidents are far greater.

London

Don't even think about driving into London in a car - unless you actually enjoy spending hours in the same traffic jam. There is now an added deterrent, an £8 ($15) charge for anyone driving into the 'central zone'. This zone was expanded westwards recently, though the extended area is due to be reduced back to its original size soon. Be aware that Transport for London have very sneakily blocked some roads so that people who get too close to the zone find themselves driving into it because they have no choice. Drive instead to some nearby town such as Slough, Wimbledon (both from Heathrow), Croydon, Crawley (both from Gatwick) or Bishops Stortford (Stanstead) and take the train from there. You can buy good value travelcards for one day or longer that allow you to use any underground train, tram or bus in the Greater London area (includes Croydon and Wimbledon). Be warned about the Oyster card; this offers cheap travel for longer periods, but records all your travel movements, something TfL somehow 'forgot' to tell anyone until a nosy journalist ferreted it out. London's Underground and the rail network as a whole shut down parts of their systems on weekends for engineering work. BBC Radio Five and local radio stations also give traffic advice, mainly during the rush hour.

London is enclosed by the M25 motorway, also known as the London Car Park. This crosses the River Thames east of the capital at a toll bridge.

Road types

Apart from the letter codes, a general rule for road types is that the fewer digits there are in the road number, the more important and better-kept the road is likely to be. There is no east-west or north-south sense to the numbers as in the States; instead roads take their initial number from the main road out of London which they lie anticlockwise of. So for example roads between the A2 (London-Dover) and A3 (London-Portsmouth) road include the A272, B2149, A29, A24, A27 and A281. The other primary roads, with their destinations from London continuing clockwise from the A3, are the A4 (Bristol), A5 (Shrewsbury), A6 (Derby) and A1 (Edinburgh). Note that the government sometimes reclassifies roads up or down, although of course 'upgrades' never come with any extra money.

Motorways are mostly three-lane interstates, with a shoulder (the 'hard shoulder') on the left and a crash barrier on the right (wide medians are rare). The speed limit is 70 unless otherwise stated. You cannot drive on the hard shoulder unless so directed at times of congestion. New motorway signs are becoming prevalent, with such dazzling insights as 'Don't Phone Whilst Driving' and 'Take A Break' (one driver who obeyed the latter and pulled into a lay-by was prosecuted by the police, who were most annoyed when a motorists' organization got the case overturned on appeal!). One failed experiment in place is the bus lane on part of the M4 (London-South Wales) motorway, which is never used except by the occasional coach and ministerial cars. NEVER, EVER, EVER on any account even consider stopping at a motorway service area; petrol prices are a rip-off and the 'food' is environmentally friendly - it'll soon be recycled! Avoid motorways around big cities, particularly the M25 around London, during the rush hour; unlike in America these are usually not widened, and tend to seize up completely. The first tolled motorway opened in 2003 (M6 Toll, Birmingham by-pass) and despite proving unpopular, more are set to follow. Several signs around this toll motorway have been taken down or replaced to trick more people into using it. Quite a few bridges require payment of a toll to cross; curiously the two Severn Bridges only charge you if you're going from Wales into England. Then again, if you've seen Wales....

Entrance to and exit from the motorway is almost always on the left, as is the slow lane. Unlike in most states, British lorries (trucks) tend to use the slow lane, but they also tend to need five miles of road to get past each other when overtaking. Junction exits are numbered according to order, not to mileage; also, because some junctions were planned for but never built, sometimes the sequence 'misses' a number (e.g. the 'lost' Junction 6 on the M27) or an extra junction for a new road (e.g. Junction 11A on the M5) appears. Be warned that some motorway junctions have restricted entrances or exits (indicated on some maps by a pink and/or a crossed circle), and that most motorway exits lead to a roundabout (rotary), which thus far I have only seen in a few places in the whole of the States. A nasty new trick to try to curb speed is to design modern exits off motorways and other main roads with sharper than expected exit curves, which resulted in a predictable increase in accidents and an equally predictable expensive rebuilding of said junctions. British road-planners tend to come in two types; brain-dead and thicker. The run-in to junctions is nearly always marked by 1-mile and ½-mile warning signs, then three blue rectangular signs with white bars on them showing yards to go to the exit, denoting 300, (3 bars), 200 (2 bars) and 100 (oh come on!). The last of these is usually the point where the driver to your right suddenly remembers this is their junction and takes out your front end in order to reach it. More junctions seem to be acquiring 'slip lanes' where the inside lane or an extra inside lane is marked for exit only. Of course many people ignore that too. Drivers also often fail to recognize their speed when leaving a motorway, and drive full-tilt to a roundabout before stamping on their brakes. You traverse roundabouts clockwise, and give way to the right. In theory. Larger roundabouts also have marked lanes (you have to be in the correct lane to exit) and traffic lights. Not everyone can cope with these, which can make roundabouts an interesting experience for visitor and native alike.

An increasing number of motorways and A-roads have chevrons (arrows) painted on them for short distances, with signs telling drivers to stay two chevrons back from the vehicle in front. It is alleged that in 1973 one driver actually took notice of these, but this has never been proven. Motorways also have their own small distinctive dot-matrix road signs, renowned for their ability to predict such dangers as fog up to within two hours after it has actually cleared. They most commonly indicate queue ahead, which could of course have been solved by spending the money wasted on the signs on an extra slip lane. A general rule is that roadworks with 1 mile or less advance warning are usually just the hard shoulder closed off, whilst those with 3 miles advance warning will cause major delays. Be aware that, in an attempt to make more money, roadworks speed limits are now being reduced to as low as 40, which has caused many more accidents as people brake sharply on reaching them. My own force, Hampshire, once got caught out trying to make contractors delay finishing roadworks because they were making so much money from them. British police are what is technically known as stupid, greedy and incompetent. On a good day.

A-roads can vary wildly, being anything from a narrow winding country lane to a dual-carriageway road with a narrow median. Surprisingly the term 'median' is rarely used in the UK, most people calling it 'central reservation' or 'that bit in the middle of the road that really dumb people picnic on'. Oh yes they do! Thick black lines either side of the road on a map mean it is a dual-carriageway. Most maps color the more important A-roads green, and lesser ones red. A-roads and suburban roads are the hideouts of mini-roundabouts, which are often totally ignored by the natives who drive right across them without noticing. Alternatively, everyone sits there for ages before all deciding to try to enter the darned thing at once.

A variation on the A-road is the single-track A/B road with passing places found only in remoter parts of Scotland and Wales. This is denoted by a dashed color line. These are basically unclassifieds with regular passing places, 'upgraded' to attract tourists to beautiful but unfrequented areas. Allow double the usual time for exploring these roads, and be prepared to give way. A lot.

B-roads are single-carriageway freeways that serve smaller communities, colored yellow on modern maps and orange on older ones. In theory their speed limit is 60 m.p.h., but because they usually pass through a large number of villages (limit 30, speed cameras often present) and are often winding, it's best to allow more time when traversing them. These are also prime places for traffic calming, which varies but often includes places where bollards and islands close off one side of the road so you all have to use the other, and give way accordingly.

Unclassifieds can be anything from a poorly-tarmacked farm track to a declassified A-road through a by-passed town. Take great care in traversing them particularly in the country; visibility is often limited, and chances are that the corner you hurry round will be the one with a farm tractor backing onto the road. Many of them also retain old-fashioned finger-posts, which are harder to spot (but a lot better-looking) than modern signs. A few odd areas of the country do have C-roads, which are just unclassifieds with pretensions.

Speed limits

The national speed limits (which surprisingly few of the natives realize!) are, unless otherwise stated:

70 m.p.h. for dual-carriageway roads and motorways

60 m.p.h. for divided- and single-carriageway roads (the government wants to reduce this to 50)

30 m.p.h. for 'built-up' areas, loosely defined as areas with street lighting (the government wants to reduce this to 20

The median is the key to speed limits, and it's something many native drivers get wrong. Of course the police strive not tell anyone about the difference as it allows them to make money from the confusion. If there is a median or barrier, then the road counts as an official dual-carriageway, and the speed limit is 70. But if you merely have three or four lanes divided by a white line, that (amazingly) counts as a divided carriageway, and the speed limit is 60. Police make a large share of their income from drivers who fail to understand this technical difference.

Road signs and markings

As in the States, brown signs indicate tourist attractions. Yellow signs usually indicate detours, special events or other unexpected warnings, except for HR signs which denote a Holiday Route. This means scenic but often full of caravans crawling along at 20 m.p.h. Now I come to think of it, I have not seen caravans in the States (though I did spot one in Canada), so if they are new to you, think half-size campervan on two wheels, towed behind underpowered car, driven by cerebrally-challenged cardigan-wearing Neanderthal. Okay, that was a bit unfair on Neanderthals, but they're extinct, and one day hopefully the same fate will befall caravan drivers. These things are a menace on the roads in summer, either crawling round country lanes or dawdling up motorway gradients at 40 mph. Most are only usually taken out once a year, and are barely roadworthy.

Red signs denote military establishments, so don't blame me if you get shot for driving past one of those! There are also mysterious orange signs with shapes on them denoting North, South, East and West. Unfortunately no-one knows which is which, so we all ignore them. Celtic note: direction signs in Wales and parts of western and northern Scotland are twice as large as normal, as they feature place names in English and Welsh/Gaelic, like in parts of eastern Canada. A few colour-code them so the foreign name is in green, but most are all in black. It can get very confusing. Best not go there.

British road signs come in a bewildering range. Basically there are three types you need to be aware of, based on the color/shape of their surround, plus a few odd ones and the yellow lines. Here are some current U.K. road signs/markings which I think could prove confusing, based on my travels in both countries. Apologies if they seem obvious to some of y'all Over There; if in doubt I included it.

'Loose chippings' means the local authority has decided to repair a minor road on the cheap by just dropping small stones on it, most of which will be hurled into the side-ditches by passing cars but not before they have scratched or damaged your paintwork. Even if you're driving a hire car, take care. I have never actually seen a minimum speed limit sign in England, but I assume they exist somewhere.

Be aware that British traffic lights are different. For normal junctions, after red (cross if it's just changed from amber, otherwise stop) there is an additional red and amber (rev engine and prepare to go) setting. On one infamous edition of the quiz show Who Wants To Be A Millionnaire?, of the ten people who had to put these settings in the correct order, the number who got it right was – none! Pedestrian crossings with lights ('pelicans'; PEdestrian LIght Crossing LocAtioNS) replace this with a flashing amber light, meaning proceed if you can do so without knocking down doddery old lady who has just started to totter across. Zebra crossings, black and white stripes across road, with flashing Belisha beacons (striped pole with flashing orange ball at top, named for past British Roads minister Lord Hore-Belisha) on both sides, did seem set to be phased out, but have enjoyed a recent renaissance, though the government prefers Pelicans as they tell people what to do (even though a suppressed official study showed Zebra crossings were safer). On these you have to stop if someone wants to cross. There are also increasing numbers of dual flashing amber warning lights (not traffic lights) outside some fire/emergency stations and schools, warning of danger. One important difference: you should NEVER turn through a red light under any circumstances. Hmm.

Rules - and Dangers!

Speed cameras (scameras) are a common occurrence, often placed secretively in areas where they try to encourage you to speed. A 2003 law meant that local councils should paint them bright colours, but this was later quietly repealed in the hope no-one would notice. Ministers are stupid like that. Police vary between areas on how well they enforce speed limits. The Home Secretary (government minister in charge of this policy) at one time encouraged police to clamp down on anyone doing just 1 m.p.h. over the limit. He was then caught doing 103 m.p.h. in a 70 zone; naturally he granted himself an exemption from prosecution, 'because someone might have been chasing him'. What in, a b***** Stealth bomber? Some time ago the police in Newcastle-upon-Tyne set up a dual trap, prosecuting people who flashed their lights in warning to other drivers approaching the main trap. Other 'successes' have included prosecuting a woman for eating a chocolate bar at traffic lights, another woman who drove whilst holding a dangerous implement (an apple!), a man for drinking water in a traffic jam, a man who was done for not switching off his fog lights less than 100 yards after emerging from a fog bank, and a paramedic who was rushing a liver to a hospital for an emergency transplant (saving lives is no excuse!). When one Yorkshire man dared to complain on behalf of a friend about his local force, a team of officers turned up and spent three hours examining his car, before handing him a ticket for low windscreen fluid. This was only rescinded when this story hit the national headlines, and only then with much bad grace and, of course, no apology.

Of course the police don't prosecute everyone. A police car which sped through a 30 limit at 48 was never tracked down (strange!), a policeman caught drink-driving by a colleague had the case covered up until some bloody awkward journalist found out and most unfairly told everyone, and the Chief Constables of at least two forces have used their positions to evade paying speeding fines. One policeman did 159 on a motorway and 84 in a 30 zone, and was of course praised by his judge for his 'good driving' (this tells you all you need to know about both British judges and British police!). A police officer who did 60 in a 40 zone also got let off, after a judge accepted he was on an emergency – to fetch a Chinese meal for a birthday celebration! Lincolnshire Police put up a sign in the village of Belton proclaiming '1,292 speeding motorists caught this year', and were less than pleased when locals plonked a sign under it saying, '0 burglars caught this year'. The truth hurts. Police frequently fail to understand why they are so unpopular. Yes, they really are that stupid! There are now several organizations dedicated to destroying speed cameras, with the full support of motorists everywhere. Unlike US sheriffs none of our police officers are elected, and they spent much public money in a 'successful' 2008 campaign to ensure things stayed that way.

It's worth mentioning at this point that recent times have seen a new and unwelcome addition to our streets, namely the Police Community Support Officer. Nicknamed Plastic Plods (the Plastic Association has objected to this), they too have scored several successes, such as hiding behind trees whilst someone is being mugged, and locking themselves in a room when faced with a kid throwing a tantrum. However, they are brilliant at enforcing saft rules. In 2008 one openly abused two American Christians for their nationality, having told them that distributing Christian leaflets in a predominantly Muslim area of Birmingham qualified as 'a hate crime'. These plastic plods aren't supposed to stick their noses into roads – but they do.

Undertaking (overtaking on the inside) is technically illegal but, because some foreign lorry drivers have only a passing acquaintance with the inside lane, fairly common. There is no rule about passing school buses in the U.K. (they come in all colours though increasingly yellow is the preferred one, and nearly always have a sign in with a picture of two children on). Although it's unlikely you'll be driving at this time, avoid built up areas around the 'school run' in term time (0800-0900, 1430-1545), as roads around schools become totally impassable. Police patrol school areas often, watching out for dangerous drivers and parents who can't control their SUV's. Or speeding Chief Constables, so they can ignore them. Locals in one area were amazed to find that what they thought was a bush on fire was in fact a policewoman smoking whilst she waited to catch an unwary parent (personally I'd have thrown a bucket of water over the bush just in case!). Other areas currently 'hot' for police attention are roadworks and the approaches to built-up areas. In 2000 the government passed a law enabling police forces to keep some of the money raised by speeding and parking fines - so naturally it was in their interests to catch as many people as possible (except Chief Constables). Eventually the government realized just how much money they were missing out on and in 2006 changed the system giving police forces and scamera partnerships an annual grant and keeping the surplus for themselves. Several forces now also have mobile cameras which, of course, they disguise, but are easily recognizable because they are always parked illegally. These are known, for obvious reasons, as Talivans.

British cities are more difficult to drive in than American ones for another reason. As well as a spreading plague of bus lanes (also monitored by money-raising cameras, which have recently been prosecuting people for driving just a couple of yards across such a lane when turning), there are also many more turning restrictions. So even if you know where you want to go, getting there can involve much more time and distance than the most obvious route would suggest. I have long ceased trying to drive through my own city, Southampton. It's insufferable. High-Occupancy Vehicle and Multiple-Occupancy Vehicle (HOV and MOV) lanes have just started to appear, and a new law is on the way requiring lights to stay on all day 'for safety reasons'. Or was it 'for saft reasons'? The latter seems more likely.

Parking in most British cities, it might be said, is a lot easier than in American ones. Unlike some states I could mention in the south-west, we seem to have invented the sign-post! But it's also a lot more expensive, and potentially dangerous. Larger towns and cities (particularly the tourist traps) have park and ride schemes, which are cheaper and should be used when available. Be aware that, contrary to what many English folk believe, ANY yellow lines (broken, single or double) indicate a parking restriction, denoted on a tiny sign up to half a mile away (naturally you are expected to find it). Larger cities also sometimes have red routes (double red lines painted on the side of the road), which are basically normal no-parking more strictly enforced. In other words, stop to empty the rubbish out of your car and you've got a ticket. One man was recently given a ticket for stopping to save his wife's life when she was having a heart-attack. The local council thought this was a piffling excuse, and again only backed down when the case hit the national papers and they ended up looking as stupid as they really are.

Some car parks also have different rules for different times of the day, which are listed by the parking machine. In letters one nanometre tall. Be very wary about parking in what seems like a free car park; there is usually a sign warning that your car will be towed away to a car pound. Naturally this sign is 20 foot up behind a tree. The term 'pound' is a British joke, as you often have to part with well over 100 of them to get your car back. There are no 'rest zones' on A- and B-roads like in the States, but many do have lay-bys, which are just basically car parks with few or no services. A few A-roads even have motorway-style service stations. Unfortunately. Be aware that it is technically illegal to put your pay-and-display ticket upside down or on the wrong side of the car - and yes, people have been prosecuted for these heinous crimes!

The rules of the road are codified in a book called 'The Highway Code'. Technically this is a legal document and all its provisions are law, although if the police ever decided to enforce every single one of them, we'd have empty roads (apart from speeding Chief Constables and Home Secretaries) within the week. Some new rules, however, are being enforced in some areas. In 2003 the government added a law about using mobile phones whilst moving, so you now have to have a hands-free kit. And some motorists who have carphones actually do.

Be wary about level (railroad) crossings. These are mostly gated, and nearly always have triple lights like outside fire and ambulance stations. Many British trains are fast passenger ones, which move a lot quicker than your standard U.S. goods train. Whatever else you do wrong, never try to cross on amber as when the red lights start the barriers will descend. Each year there are always a few people who misjudge it and get their vehicles (and their remains) wrapped around the front of an 140 m.p.h. express.

Oh yes. Don't forget, drive on the left. That's quite important too.

(You're) Welcome to The Old Country!

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