AC MMIV

A page to be updated annually, listing the twelve people I'd volunteer to be on the first spaceship to Alpha Centauri if it were launched just after the end of 2004. One-way, of course.

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12: PETER MANDELSON

Arch-creep now doing his best to destroy this country from Brussels, the man who more than most made us cynical about politicians who couldn't spot the truth if they fell over it. It's a depressing thought he's only 12th in the table, but I'm sure he's working on that.

11: ROWAN WILLIAMS

That this man is head of my Church depresses me, because after the last idiot I hoped they couldn't possibly find anyone worse. How wrong I was.

10: RICHARD BRUNSTROM

The Hitler of North Wales, it says something about our 'modern' police force that he is their chief spokesman on motorist matters. He is so dreadful that this year I started up a web page dedicated to covering all his cock-ups here.

9: JOHN PRESCOTT

So nice of Two Jabs to remind us that the man who beats up protestors and drives a few hundred yards so his wife's hair doesn't get disturbed has his finger on the nuclear trigger whilst Tony's away. And you thought nothing could make you wish Blair well?

8: BENJAMIN ZEPHANIAH

A man who writes incredibly dire poetry, the sort to make you believe slitting your wrists was the right option after all. He hates us English, and the feeling is mutual.

7: 'LORD' CHARLES FALCONER.

The man who charged through our constitution, and proved that the Millenniun HubCap wasn't his only monumental cock-up. Tony Blair's contempt for parliament is amply demonstrated by his 'elevation'.

6: ''LORD' CHIEF JUSTICE WOOLF.

The prat who proposed reducing the sentences of murderers by a third because of his liberal 'values' Only allowed on board provided he takes half the judiciary with him. Make that 90%.

5: KENNETH CLARKE

Haven't heard much from him this year (thankfully), but this moron not only still wants to sell us to the EU but also brought down John Major and is thus responsible for us now being lumped with Tony Blair. Thanks a lot!

4: TONY BLAIR

A man without honour, who only survives because we all know the alternative, at least within his own party, is infinitely worse.

3: 'SIR' TREVOR PHILLIPS

Head of the Commission for Racial 'Equality', a man with two brains. Unfortunately one is lost and the other is out there looking for it. Another ennoblement without any justifiable cause.

2: ORLA GOERING/CAROLINE HAW-HAWLEY

Counts as one choice because I've never seen them together, and they are both 200% depressing and virulently anti-Semitic. Wouldn't know impartiality if it bit them. Goering shed tears at the death of terrorist Yasser Arafat this year, which really says it all.

AND THE 'WINNER' IS.....

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1: ABU HAMZA

Why is Captain Hook still here? The man hates this country and all it stands for. Send him to America, where they have the death penalty. A few thousand volts will send him to join Arafat where they both belong.

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