AC MMV

A page to be updated annually, listing the twelve people I'd volunteer to be on the first spaceship to Alpha Centauri if it were launched just after the end of 2005. One-way, of course.

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12: ANDREW DISMORE MP (Last year: Unplaced)

A friend to criminals everywhere just like his fellow red Stephen Pound, Mr. Dismore spent three hours talking out a bill that would have allowed householders to defend themselves against burglars. So I'm afraid my advice remains unchanged. After you shoot them or bludgeon them to death, don't call the police. Just bury the body.

11: THE NATIONAL LOTTERY (Last year: Unplaced)

Still dolling out tens of thousands of pounds to travellers and illegal immigrants, whilst refusing to fund any groups that might actually support English culture. The sooner this shambles is closed down, the better.

10: BEN BRADSHAW AND DEFRA (Last year: Unplaced)

The so-called Countryside Minister spent the whole year desperately trying to avoid countryfolk. But there was a reason. He was scared of what they might do to him. One only hope his luck runs out early in 2006.

9: BARONESS WARNOCK (Last year: Unplaced)

Having secured an inflation-proof pension and a comfy seat in the Lords, this witch suddenly decided that her liberal education ideas, which have wrecked our schools for decades, were all wrong. Sorry, what did you say? Apology? Are you mad? She's a LibDem. Obviously it was all our fault for 'misinterpreting' her ideas.

8: ALAN DOYLE (Last year: Unplaced)

A man who proved his mouth was commodious enough for both feet. Head of the inaptly named Council for Arab-British Understanding (i.e. I understand that's a bomb under your burqa?), he chose this year to call for the scrapping of our English flag, saying 'it upsets Muslims'. And his reason is...?

7: SHAMI CHAKRIBATI (Last year: Unplaced)

Head of the Terrorists' Rights organization Liberty. Obviously I'm getting on; I can remember when such organizations were actually interested in the rights of non-terrorists.

6: YASMIN ALIBHAI-BROWN (Last year: Unplaced)

English-hating journalist, but unfortunately not enough to leave (shame!). This years she told us not to celebrate our historic Ashes victory at cricket. Fortunately the country treated her request with all the respect it deserved. Bugger all!

5: ORLA GOERING/CAROLINE HAW-HAWLEY (Last year: 2)

No, they're still as bad as ever, particularly Haw-Hawley, who is clearly working flat out for the Iraqi terrorists – she prefers the word insurgents, I'd prefer her to implode with her own bile. Unfortunately it's been a bad year, and even worse are....

4: 'SIR' TREVOR PHILLIPS (Last year: 3)

A racist who tells everyone not to be racist, then finds it hard to understand why we all ignore him. Yes, he is that stupid.

3: JOHN 'TWO JABS' PRESCOTT (Last year: Unplaced)

A bad year for the Bruiser (though he managed to avoid hitting anyone this time), who is set to lay waste to the south of England and destroy thousands of old houses in the north because of his socialist vision of utopia. And I wish he'd stop reminding us that when Blair's away, it's his finger on the nuclear button.

2: TONY BLAIR (Last year: 4)

The man who would definitely not negotiate away the British rebate, and did just that for nothing more than a French 'promise'. A traitor. Can't leave office soon enough.

AND THE 'WINNER' IS.....

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1: ABU HAMZA (Last year: 1)

Why is Captain Hook still here? Twelve months on and he's no nearer the door, despite the fact his terrorist friends have murdered over fifty people in London. Bung him on the first plane to America, where they have the death penalty. Since he believes he's headed for 72 virgins, let's help him get there with all speed. And any judge, terrorists' rights campaigner or other legal parasite that objects can join him!

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