AC MMVII

A page to be put out annually, listing the twelve people I'd volunteer to be on the first spaceship to Alpha Centauri if it were launched just after the end of 2007. One-way, of course.

This was a particularly bad year, so many names who would other wise have made it failed to reach the Top 12. Names pushed off the list include Holocaust-denier David Irving, Tony Blair, Stephen Pound MP, Mark Malloch-Brown and John 'Two Jabs' Prescott.

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12: POLLY TOYNBEE (Last year: unplaced)

Beating off strong competition from the likes of traitorous former UN representative Mark Malloch-Brown and our outgoing but not soon enough premier, this self-styled journalist seems to be increasingly under the delusion she is actually capable of being right. In the unlikely event of either this happening or Hell freezing over, we'll let you know, Pol.

11: KEN LIVINGSTONE (Last year: 6)

This nasty piece of work continued to do his damdest for our capital city, and only the 'efforts' of even more desirable traitors to our country resulted in his dropping down the table. But don't worry, Ken – we've kept you a seat!

10: SIR TREVOR PHILLIPS (Last year: unplaced)

What to make of the former High Priest of Mylticulturalism, who has abandoned that particular sinking ship afer the damage it has done to our country? The sooner he packs up and goes the better.

9: MEREDYDD HUGHES (Last year: unplaced)

A year of achievement for the police 'service', as they score not one but two seats on the spaceship. Seat 9 goes to the head of South Yorkshire Polcie, caught doing 50% over the speed limit in the patch of another strong contender (if we can get a bigger spaceship) Dick Brunstrom. Med then cost us even more when he failed to turn up in court, claiming he hadn't had enough time to find legal representation. He was finally banned for a pathetic six weeks.

8: SIR WILLIE WALSH (Last year: unplaced)

Another knighted nobody, Little Willie this year showed ow not to run a large company when he took on employee Nadia Eweida over her decision to wear a Christian cross at work, and not only lost but then suffered a spate of bad news stories. Like government ministers, Little Willie showed he just couldn't apologize.

7: BENJAMIN ZEPHANIAH (Last year:unplaced)

If you ever decide to end it all, don't bother with a revolver and bullets. Just read some of Mr Z's dire 'poetry'. Throwing yourself under a bus will suddenly come as a blessed relief.

6: GORDON BROWN (Last year: Unplaced)

Our new premier showed that wanting to be prime minister is one thing, but doing the job is something else – and he can't. Bet he wishes he'd gone for that early election now!

5: SHAMI CHAKRIBATI (Last year: 7)

Head of the Terrorists' Rights organization Liberty, dear old Shameless has 'improved' her position despite strong competition this year. She continues to support terrorists everywhere.

4: INAYAT BUNGAWALA (Last year: Unplaced)

Head of the Muslim Council of Britain, or the We Really Are Unfairly Picked On, And It's Just A Coincidence That 100% Of All Suicide Bombers Are Muslim Council Of Britain. A man who should learnt that silence is golden, and silence from his would do his credo no end of good.

3: ROWAN WILLIAMS (Last year: 2)

Narrowly pushed back by the Blair we're still stuck with, the words 'the Archbishop of Canterbury has said' struck terror into Anglican hearts, as they would always be followed by something which would make us wonder if he was on the wrong or too much medication, and just when he was going to resign. Oh for a lighning bolt.....

2: SIR IAN BLAIR (Last year: 3)

The Blair that just won't go, the head of the Met had another dreadful year. He went into hiding when his force was found guilty of health and safety failings (i.e. killing an innocent Londoner), then boasted openly that he could not be sacked. Sadly he's still not the worst, Because.....

THE 'WINNER' IS.....

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1: ABU HAMZA (Last year: 1)

Captain Hook still here? The Americans still want him, but he was tried and found guilty. In 2007 permission to extradite him was finally given, though unfortunately he cannot face the death penalty because of.... the European Union! Now of course we have the appeals process, so.....

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