GENESIS
GENESIS
If you're really into the European Union - GET A LIFE!!! Still, if you want to know how this institution came about, here's a complete history of its creation, which gets periodically updated as it evolves slowly but inexorably towards a Fourth Rei ... er, fully democratic United States of Europe.
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43 AD: Following lengthy 'negotiations' with the Roman Empire, which has gradually 'persuaded' most of Europe (except the Germans) to join its growing federation, most of Britain is forcibly admitted to the First Union. Scotland, as ever, proves ungovernable and is left to its own devices, the Union's rulers wisely building several large walls to keep the Scots out.
410: First Union collapses when Rome is sacked, and troops withdrawn from Britain. Various Germanic tribes pour into Britain, determined to get their towels on the beach first. The Scots, who always complain they get the thin end of the wedge, ravage the north of England.
800: King Charlemagne (Charles the Great) of France creates the Second Union by conquering Germany and large parts of Italy. England, currently split four ways between the Germanic tribes (who finally got off the beach), ignores it. This Union duly collapses when Charles dies, and his empire is split three ways between his sons, although in what will one day be Germany an idea of Union survives called the Holy Roman Empire (because it isn't holy, not an Empire and has no links with Rome whatsoever).
1588: Third (Austro-Spanish) Union reaches its high noon when an armed takeover of England by King Philip II of Spain fails due to a lethal combination of British seamanship and British weather. Spain ceases to perform any future role in European history, and never forgives the English.
1697: England, having borrowed a Dutch king (William III) because it couldn't stand its own (James II), crushes the Fourth Union under King Louis XIV of France by making him sign the Treaty of Ryswick. The French never forgive the English.
1783: Europe bands together to help the United States defeat the British, but the Brits outwit everyone in the peace treaty and come out on top again. The French are so broke they eventually have a revolution, which leads to ....
1805: A combined Franco-Spanish attempt to 'persuade' Great Britain to join the Fifth Union fails when negotiations held off Cape Trafalgar in Spain result in the unregrettable annihilation of the Union fleet. The French and Spanish never forgive the English.
1870: The newly-united Germany invades France - shortly after everyone had said they would never invade. French give up immediately.
1914: The Sixth Union under Kaiser Wilhelm II is such a disastrous failure that even the French refuse to join willingly. Great Britain eventually defeats Germany in the Great War. The Germans never forgive the English.
1945: The Seventh Union, under A. Hitler of Germany, collapses after coming tantalizingly close to persuading all Europe (even Great Britain) of the benefits of National Socialist rule. No-one in Europe can ever forgive the English.
1946: Winston Churchill makes a famous and often-misquoted speech in which he calls for a union of sovereign European countries (and not a European Union!)
1951. Germany, France, Italy and the Benelux group set up ESCS (the European Coal and Steel Community), a protection racket that allows them to trade with each other and stop outside countries' imports. Germany is delighted to be readmitted to the human race just six years after annihilating a large part of it. The others are delighted with the cash.
1957: The Treaties of Rome, which turn the ESCS into a prototype Common Market.
1961: Great Britain, Eire and Denmark all apply to join the Common Market. President Charles de Gaulle of France (yes, the same de Gaulle who hid out in Great Britain during the war) says non.
1965: The worst crisis yet faced by the organization when de Gaulle adopts an empty chair policy for seven months to get his own way. This results in the Luxembourg Compromise, which no-one is sure actually exists (don't think about it).
1967: Great Britain, Eire, Denmark and Norway all apply to join. President de Gaulle says non (encore).
1973: With de Gaulle dead, Great Britain, Eire and Denmark are finally let in. Edward Heath gives up all British fishing grounds, but somehow neglects to tell anybody. Unfortunately the Norwegians make the mistake of asking their people what they think, who say no (in Norwegian).
1979: Creation of the European Monetary System (the 'Snake'), the precursor to ERM and a single currency. Also the first direct elections to the European Parliament.
1980: After two very bloody conferences, the new British prime minister Margaret Thatcher upsets all the other members by refusing to keep paying for the Union (the 'Great Handbagging'). She gets a bigger rebate. Everyone hates the British even more.
1981: Greece joins the European Community, primarily to annoy Turkey but also for the huge subsidies.
1985: Spain and Portugal make it twelve.
1986: The Single European Act, designed to secure a single market by 1992. Well, it was a nice thought.
1992: FEBRUARY: Eleven countries agree to the Maastricht Treaties, designed to move towards political union. One does not. Yup, us.
1992: JUNE: Oops! The Danes make the mistake of consulting their people, who reject Maastricht. A French referendum only succeeds by under 1% after the pro-campaign is heavily bankrolled by the Union.
1992: SEPTEMBER: Oops again! ERM collapses when Great Britain is driven out, and the Germans refuse to help bail out the pound as they had promised. Bank of England some £16 billion out of pocket.
1993: After more Eurofunding, the Danes are finally brib ... persuaded to vote yes to Maastricht. British economy booms now the pound is out of the system.
1995: Austria, Finland and Sweden join, making it Fifteen. Norway once again consults its people, who ignore their government and say no (in Norwegian) again. Norway then annoys the Union further by prospering outside it, whilst neighbours Sweden and Finland wilt.
1996: Mad Cow Crisis, an excellent opportunity for the E.U. to do to the British beef industry what it's already doing to the lamb and fishing industries. Great Britain refuses to adopt the Social Chapter and the minimum wage, on the flimsy grounds that it would cost thousands of jobs.
1997: New British government signs up to Social Chapter. New work regulations soon follow. E.U. Commissioners vote to abolish duty-free - for the plebs, not for themselves, of course.
2001: Oops again! After the Treaty of Nice allows for further moves towards a superstate, the Irish government makes two bad mistakes. Firstly they allow their people to have a vote, and secondly they decide not to campaign as they're sure the people will vote Yes. The people, they say NO! Other EU leaders say they will ignore this unwonted outburst of democracy and press ahead anyway.
2002: The Irish are forced to have another vote (and another, and another, until they get it right!). The EU passes a law stopping states from leaving. One MEP suggests military action against any state that tries.
2004: Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Hungary, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Slovenia, Malta and half of Cyprus all join the EU. Stupidly the EU said the Greek Cypriots could join whether or not they accepted the island's reunification plan; of course this encouraged them to reject it out of hand.
2005: Oops! The EU constitution is out to a vote in France, after President Chirac hears that 80% of French people support it. The EU spends billions campaigning for it, with the result that it is rejected by 55%. Eurocrats say they will ignore this unwonted outburst of democracy, but are then hit by an even bigger rejection in another founder member, the Netherlands.
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