THE
OFFICE
THE
OFFICE
Office Rules
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes and carrying a £600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We no longer accept doctor's notes as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive a minimum of 104 days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan 1st, Aug 26th and Dec 25th.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE FOR YOUR OWN DEMISE
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose name begins with A will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose name begins with B will go from 8:20 to 8:40, and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this swap in writing three days prior to the event.
In addition, there is now a strict three-minute time-limit within the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal-sized people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Overweight people get five minutes for lunch, enough time to drink a Slimfast or take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Any questions, comments or complaints should therefore be kept to yourself.