FRANCE

French jokes

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"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals."

---Mark Twain

"France has usually been governed by prostitutes."

---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."

--- General George S. Patton, showing why America did so well in WW2

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Some sickening but true information. In French 'history' books, D-day isn't mentioned at all. And in the 60th anniversary commemorative booklet, there was only a brief mention of the Allies on page 18, and no mention whatsoever of the Americans!

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, on the seventh day, the Archangel Michael found him resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are lakes, rivers, streams, and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance!"

God replied wisely, "wait until you see who I'm putting next door to them in France!"

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"During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French happened to capture a British major. An officer brought the major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the major for wearing 'that stupid red tunic.' The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you?" The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said,"That is a very good idea", then turned to his orderly and said, "from now on all French officers will wear brown trousers."

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An Englishman was rowing a boat down a river and singing, "Rule Britannia". He had sung the first line, "When Britain first at heaven's command ...", when some aliens saw him.

The aliens decided to conduct an experiment, so they removed half his brain, and put him back into his boat. To their astonishment, he continued to sing, "When Britain first at heaven's command...".

So, to continue their experiment, they removed half of the remainder of his brain, so he had a quarter of his brain left. They were further astonished when the man continued to sing, "When Britain first at heaven's command..."

After discussing further, they removed the final part of his brain and put him back in his boat. He continued to sing, "Allouetta, chantez allouetta ..."

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The last time France asked for more evidence, it rolled over them in Panzer tanks carrying the Nazi flag.

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Two guys, an Englishman and a Frenchman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The Frenchman said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'pow!' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "before I make my wish, please tell me more about this wall". The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Oh. Then my wish is, fill it up with water!"

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There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and top model Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The Englishman must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

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CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title. In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong’s hotel room. The 3 substances banned by the French, that were found in his hotel room were as follows:

(1) Toothpaste
(2) Deodorant
(3) Soap

During a search of another building, French officials found several other items which they had never seen before including a testicle and a backbone…

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