EQUAL
RIGHTS
EQUAL
RIGHTS
Following petitions from the teaching unions, the government today finally caved in and agreed that teachers should be granted equal rights to their pupils. The Department for Education has produced a ten point action-plan, to be implemented at once:
1) No teacher shall ever be criticized. Ever. Teachers will be assessed as before, but their assessors will not be allowed to write down or say anything either openly negative or which has any negative connotation whatsoever.
2) Anyone who does criticize a teacher will face immediate disciplinary action, which will almost certainly result in their dismissal.
3) Teachers who break rules shall be subject to identical punishment to children. This will involve five minutes doing absolutely nothing whilst everyone else works. Any of the teacher's own work that was to be done during this period must not be done at some other time, but must be abandoned.
4) Teachers who feel hurt by the comments of anyone are entitled to Quiet Time, at their own discretion and with no warning to the head. Teachers may do any leisure activity of their choice during this period, which lasts as long as they feel like. They are of course expressly forbidden from doing anything that constitutes work. Heads are advised to maintain a sizeable number of back-up teachers 'just in case'.
5) Any teacher displaying special educational needs must have the amount spent on them tripled, at least.
6) Teachers cannot be sacked unless the head is prepared to fill out hundreds of forms and attend loads of meetings in their own time. At the end of this process, a committee who knows nothing about the situation will automatically reinstate the teacher anyway.
7) Teachers must be allowed to pick what lessons they want to do. Anyone trying to frustrate this right will find the teacher immediately asserts their demand to Quiet Time.
8) None of the teacher's assessments shall be done in red ink. It upsets them.
9) Teachers reserve the right to sulk and not co-operate with anyone else. They are not required to give a reason for this, and no action may be taken against them as a result.
10) Local Educational Authorities, which are perfectly happy to spend taxpayers' money on sending kids of tight-fisted parents on school trips, will be required to pay for one holiday of not less than two weeks each year per teacher.