PREMIER DISORDERS

For those who insist in watching the Premiership, presumably because their search for a life has failed, here is a list of all those terrible afflictions which affect the 'stars' they so adore. Note that there is only one cure for most of these afflictions. It's called relegation.

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Pes haesitaris (Fumblefoot): A strange affliction which can strike anywhere on the pitch, but is particularly prevalent in the penalty area. Wearing a Manchester United shirt greatly increases the risk of affliction, as does coming from Portugal or anywhere 'abroad'. Symptons are rapid arm waving and sprawling on the floor in a manner most clowns would find embarrassing.

Trudens (Hustling): Related to Pes Haesitaris, except for some unknown reason it affects all other players in the team. Causes them to rush up to the referee and demand action against the person who dared to tackle/stand remotely near/breathe at their comrade.

Oculans singularis (One-sightedness): The third of these related diseases, this one only affects managers, but lasts throughout the whole period of the game. It renders them incapable of seeing offences by their own side, but doubly capable of spotting offences by the opposition.

Oculans nihilis (No-sightedness): The certain belief, common amongst top clubs, that life does not exist outside the Premiership, or if it does, it shouldn't. It can only be cured by a short sharp dose of relegation, though sometimes this comes close to killing the patient.

Denariphilia (Love of the rich): A disease which somehow affects the footballing press. It renders them incapable of covering anything outside the Premiership with more than one paragraph, whilst giving twenty pages to the Premiership.

Denariphobia (Fear of the rich): A referee's disease, which means that 99% of all decisions go to the richer side. In extreme cases, referees will even change decisions to curry favour with the bigger club. A frequent side-effect is that victims always insist they are scupulously fair.

Carrollus rollus (Carroll's Disease): A goalkeeper's problem, unique to those wearing a Manchester United shirt. It renders the victim incapable of knowing when the ball is several miles over their own goal-line.

Plebius plebius (Plebs' Disease): The terrifying fear, affecting all big clubs, that a small or (gulp!) non-league club will defeat or draw with you, proving that all your players are vastly overpaid and generally useless.

Manus elevans (Arms In The Air Disease): Related to trudens, a disease which, when one player of a big team clearly kicks the ball off the pitch, forces him and all his team-mates to claim for the throw-in/corner anyway. Unfortunately some referees and linesmen, as with trudens, are bullied into giving it to them.

Tempus elasticus (Manchester United Injury Time): A disease found at most big clubs but particularly in the one that bears its name, this causes referees to allow the richer club as much injury time as it needs to equalize or win.

Nullis spina (FA disease, a.k.a. Jellyfish Syndrome): An extreme form of managerial incompetence affecting governing bodies, making them back down from any conflict with big clubs and then take it out on smaller clubs. It also renders them totally blind to any forms of justice or common sense.

Mereris optima (Entitlement Syndrome): The belief amongst certain 'big' clubs that they are entitled to a place in the top division. Totally unfounded, totally irrational and totally inarguable.

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