Movies, DVD and That

- coming soon - in your nightmares -

StarStrip Trouper

An unknown actress plays an eight legged stripper with three hearts of gold, who works on an illegal seedy spaceship. Trouble lurks when an alien TerraFed (an unknown actor) falls in love with the stripper - they have to dismember and eat thousands of people for energy-giving food before their forbidden love can be consummated. Paul Verhoeven makes the actress uncross all her legs one by one in an explicit, but eventually very boring, interrogation.

The Flugelhorn

Jane Campion returns to form in this moving study of repressed sexuality. An asthmatic (Jodie Foster) finds the titular Flugelhorn abandoned in the Gobi desert - Daniel Day Lewis encourages her to blow. Film's release overshadowed by tabloid reports of copycat recitals by the medically unwell, predictably resulting in nothing but trouble.

Jesus Christ!

The film that has already enraged middle America, Disney's 43rd animated feature portrays Jesus as a feisty female, whose twelve disciples are all cute fawns. Revisionist history is given a boost - and traditionalists given a knock - when Jesus is not resurrected, but reincarnated as the kid of the donkey she rode a week earlier. Songs by the Spice Girls.

Dirty Painting

Set in Butlins in the 1950's, Michael Caine plays a maverick leather clad painting instructor. Chart topping teen sensation Billie plays the giggly love interest who drops her pastels for his forbidden acrylics, and then matures suddenly by getting Caine's friend a hip replacement. In a historically dubious but stirring finale, they introduce the old timers to the world of computer graphics as they make art in VR suits, finally finding self-expression.

Guts

David Cronenberg's controversial and provocative drama set in Smithsfiled market. Andrew Michael Hall and Winona Ryder get their sexual kicks from gutting fish - fellow fetishist Heather Graham prefers only to smell. Banned in Oklahoma for its perversion, and because they are cruelly land locked. Cronenberg - "Face reality - everyone loves carp".

Bullimore: Special Edition

James Cameron's eagerly awaited follow-up tells the true tale of Stephen Bullimore, trapped in a capsized boat off Antarctica. With a budget of $400m, Cameron's legendary 10,000% scale model of the boat, with a 60ft high animatronic survivor created by Henson's creature shop, all appear in this 24 hour version for the first time. Available on 6 DVDs sometime around 2004.

Back To The Future

Ken Loach directs this politically motivated remake of the 1985 whimsical crowd pleaser. Paul Nichols plays a school leaver with only short-term contracts head of him, but his mad scientist friend (William Hurt) builds him a time machine out of a moped. Nichols is transported back to the 1984 miner's strike, where he is horrified to learn that he is the love child of a couple of scabs making out in the back of the coach (Julie Walters and Gary Oldman), while bricks are lobbed through the windows.

Jurassic Park 3: Batgirl vs the Velociraptors

In a bizarre franchise melding mess, Alicia Silverstone dons her cape once more to rescue Rachel Weisz (Jeff Goldblum's prostitute), who has discovered no less than twelve hitherto unknown dino-infested islands. Batgirl and Batman (David Schwimmer) bring a group of sweet Sunday School children to teach them that 7-day creationism is crazy talk, and - in a surprising twist - most of them are nearly eaten. Instead, a fat geneticist is.

Kit / off

Bruce Willis plays an evil plastics factory owner - Danny DeVito is an unemployed machine operator. Seeing stripping as his only financial hope but humiliated by his pint-sized frame, he swaps skin with Willis and grows 3 foot in a pioneering operation. John Woo's final dance routine is in slo mo, with I Dream Of Jeannie playing over a ballet of big guns and gonads.

Naked Gun 2000

The wacky Airplane team return to send up send ups. Frank Drebin is called in to solve the mystery of why none of over 1,000 sight gags are not remotely funny, with hilarious consequences.

Birth Of A Nation 2

Officially the biggest gap between original and sequel, the 1915 racist story is taken up by Oliver Stone. The Ku Klux Klan meet a lengthy demise in Vietnam, under a military operation headed by Lee Harvey Oswold (Michael J Fox). Alaska, meanwhile, is revealed to have never even existed ("Crap" - Washington Post).

Zut Alors!

A French college professor and oldest living man at 112 (Gerard Depardieu) falls in love with a teenage nymphette cellist. They have emotionless sex constantly until they both go blind, whereupon they bump into things in their mansion whilst reciting poetry at each other. They die in the end. Running time - approx 1 1/2 days.

Goodness Me!

Loose American remake of Zut Alors! starring Leonardo Di Caprio as a Harvard lecturer and Christina Ricci as a stripper with a heart of gold. They give birth to Jonathan Lipnicki in the end. Running time - 82 mins.

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